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  • This Zikoko’s guide was written to help younger siblings make our lives easier because one day you’re an only child and before you know it, your parents create a couple of freeloaders called siblings that spoil all your plans.

    1. Stop asking for money. 

    Let our spirit lead us to remember you, besides we did not give birth to you. Thanks and God bless. The association of ATM firstborns are tired. 

    First born in their minds

    2. Don’t eat the last meat. 

    We came before you for a reason. We came not to oppress you but to eat the last meat. Let us have it or else…

    You have been warned

    3. Stop being an aproko.

    We are tired of bribing you. Nigerian politicians no do reach this one oh, abeg.

    You better grow up

    4. Don’t grow taller than us.

    We don’t know how you’ll do it but don’t try it. It’s disrespectful.

    Zikoko's guide, man squatting
    This will be you when we ask you kneel down all the time
    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    5. Don’t get married before us.

    We will not hear the end of it, please. Love is everywhere and it will find you again.

    Zikoko's guide
    Take things easy

    6. Don’t be finer than us

    This is how people attract curses to themselves. Better tell your face to respect itself.

    Must we beg you?

    7. Ask about our lives too. 

    Not just because you want to collect money but because you care and mean it and yes we can tell.

    8. Don’t do better than us in school 

    All the good genes, beauty, parents undying affection and good luck have already gone to you. The least you can do is let us have this.

    This Is your final warning

  • One of the most fascinating things about life is how people strut around, confidently saying shit about shit they know nothing about. That’s exactly how these 10 pieces of “advice” came about and spread like wildfire.

    It’s great to find work doing something you genuinely enjoy. But if you go into it thinking it’ll never feel like work, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s going to feel like work and you’re going to get exhausted at some point. Know this, before you find yourself digging up your grandfather so you can scream at his rotting corpse for lying to you.

    No. You decide who family is. Family isn’t always by blood. Don’t let people off the hook for treating you like shit just because a potential offspring resulting from both of you would have webbed feet.

    Let me tell you something. If you jump into the wrestling cage of holy matrimony without the cushion that is money to support you, your marriage will be the inspiration for ‘Marriage Story 2: Divorce Delight’.

    Hear ye, hear ye! Entrepreneurship is hard as shit. Don’t let “Dinner with Jay-Z” Twitter deceive you. If you don’t have the mind for it, stay in your job and be earning your salary jeje.

    Fuck that shit. When they go low, go subterranean.

    Who do you think I am? Pocahontas? My heart is noisy as hell. I can’t hear shit.

    Usually said in regards to romantic relationships.

    To quote social media comedian, Lala Milan — in that video where she dresses up as Areola, Ariel the little mermaid’s lesser known cousin — “Niggas ain’t shit. On land AND in water!” The dating pool is tiny as hell and full of piranha disguised as goldfish. Beware.

    If you subscribe to this ideology because you saw it on Twitter, you’re an idiot. Of course, you owe people shit. You owe people basic decency. Stop being a douche to everyone because some 13-year-old white girl said so.

    Picture this.

    You’re fighting for your life. Your hooded attacker has you pinned to the ground and is stabbing you repeatedly. As you lay in the street dying, you look up at your attacker and ask, “Why?!”. Your attacker removes his hood and reveals his identity. It’s Ted Bundy, and he quietly replies, “Because it makes me happy.”

    Enough said.

    A wise queen once said, “I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it”. If you see something that you want, GO FOR IT.

    [donation]

  • Domestic Violence is a serious social issue.

    And after many years of it being swept under the carpet, Nigerians are finally facing it.

    Thanks to social media, we’re hearing of more cases, speaking up about those cases and even getting justice for the victims.

    But as much as social media has served as a platform for advocates to speak up against Domestic Violence, it has also served as a means for different people who feel like they know shit to come and spit what they think is “wisdom” in our eyes.

    Suddenly, everybody thinks they know the golden rule to stopping domestic violence once for all.

    So when Pete Edochie’s son, Yul Edochie, also started dropping them tips like it was hot eba, the Internet went:

    In the gospel according to Yul, Domestic Violence can be stopped if the woman learns to “zip up”, among other things:

    But we’re having a hard time understanding what he is saying.

    Is respect not supposed to be reciprocal?

    And how about we stop using that “We are Africans” thing as an excuse for nonsense?

    Can we NOT use culture to hide our wrongdoing?

    Why does it have to be the woman’s job to keep the peace?

    And really, if keeping quiet worked for his mother, it doesn’t mean it’ll work for every woman.

    In finality, his advice is really not wanted.

    More Zikoko!

    https://zikoko.com/list/8-things-everyone-who-used-to-be-the-teachers-pet-will-immediately-understand/
  • SATIRE! SATIRE! SATIRE!

    1. First of all, if you are a woman, marriage is the most important thing in this life (for you)!

    Not your education, personal happiness, spiritual life or growth as an individual.

    2. As for you Mr man, remember that by marrying any woman, you are doing her a favour.

    As a kind and generous man!

    3. As a Nigerian man, you cannot say anything if you are struggling financially. Suffer in silence.

    Are you not a man? Let the stress kill you.

    4. Ladies, even if you have money to help out financially, don’t!

    Who said marriage is about partnership? Please it’s not that type of partnership oh!

    5. Woman, your husband is more important than anybody, including you.

    Yes. Who are you?

    6. As a man, you are the most important member of your household.

    The king.

    7. If you see your husband doing something wrong, keep your opinions and suggestions to yourself.

    It’s better like that!

    8. As man, even if you know you are doing something wrong just continue.

    No defeat, no surrender!

    9. Ladies, cooking for your husband and stomach-related activities are what should consume your mind: day and night.

    Food. Food. Food.

    10. As a man, it’s important you never learn to feed yourself because that is what women are there for.

    Yup!

    11. If your husband loses weight, even for health reasons people will blame you and what can only be terrible cooking.

    Do better ma.

    12. If your wife gains too much weight, she is obviously not taking the marriage serious.

    See stress.

    13. Ladies, don’t have friends oh, they will spoil your marriage.

    See them, busybodies.

    14. Guys make sure you spend as much free time as possible with your guys, to help you relieve the tension of being in a stressful marriage.

    It’s important!

    15. If you have problems, a good wife doesn’t tell anyone that can help. Only God.

    Remember to pray for one hour sharp! If not it won’t be effective.

    16. Once she does anything wrong, make sure you report her to anyone who has ears.

    Next time she will not try such!

    17. As a married woman, If your in-laws are being wicked to you, enjoy it.

    It’s very delicious.

    18. A visual representation of what happens when a Nigerian husband sees his in-laws:

    See no wahala, hear no wahala, speak to no wahala!

    19. Even if you are working, your husband’s contribution to the children is purely financial.

    Taking care of them is fully your work.

    20. If your wife asks you to watch the children, spend time with them and help them with their homework, simply unlook.

    You are not on seat oh!

    21. If he cheats on you, as a good Nigerian wife you should be like:

    “Honey please I’m sorry that you cheated on me!”

    22. When you see your wife smiling with another man.

    Such betrayal!