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People say, “If you’re not making money, keep your opinions to yourself, blah blah blah”. But where’s the evidence that rich people have or give the best advice?
Sometimes, you can tell they don’t “know ball” in the manner they ask you to pay attention to the following:
Work for passion, not money
No lies, if you enjoy the work you do, it won’t feel like work. But think about it; will you survive on the passion you’ll eat during these agbado times?
Swing at big risks
Most risks will hurt you more than they will help you. What’s hilarious is that your wealthy advisor has a big cushion to fall on if everything scatters. But you, that has only “God abeg” to fall back on will see shege that’s mixed with pepper.
Reduce spending
There’s really not much to reduce in this current Nigeria if you think about it. Also, the rich won’t spend less than what they want or think is necessary.
Don’t leave Nigeria
When the wealthy tell you “japa isn’t patriotic”, tell them to use their money to fix the country.
If Nigeria isn’t working for you, it’s not by force to stay.
Save for retirement
This sounds good. But for a struggling Nigerian, retirement isn’t necessarily about financial security, it’s just an age.
Also, inflation is dragging your money with you. Expensive food prices and fuel won’t let you rest. You’re not even sure you won’t touch and finish your savings before 2023 ends?
We don’t advise you to not plan for retirement sha.
Avoid your comfort zone
See, you shouldn’t let someone that’s comfortably seated on their couch tell you to get out of your comfort zone. It’s good advice, but you shouldn’t kill yourself. After all, Nigeria isn’t comfortable for anyone right now.
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According to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics, a week hardly passes on Nigerian Twitter without firstborns being the subject of one joke, drag, hot take or the other.
Everyone always has something to say about firstborns, and as advocates for the common man, we had to give firstborns the floor to share their thoughts.
The ones who are just tired
“I’m the olóríẹbí (family head), and as a Yoruba man from Ijebu, it means I always have to take the lead, especially in finances. I’m at the age when there are a lot of family weddings, burials and namings. But I’m not rich. No one cares if I take loans. Try to send olóríẹbí money too.” — Pa Gbade, 64
“They say I act like their junior mummy, but I can’t help it. They can make it easier for me by not waiting until everything has scattered before reaching out to me. I don’t have money for everything you need, but it’s not until EFCC arrests you for internet fraud that you’ll tell me you need money. Help me help you.” — Janet, 31
“Firstborns need check-ups too. Let us know you’re looking out for us. Not every time billing or thinking we’re fine. Also, sometimes. I need space. It doesn’t mean I hate you.” — Harvey, 25
The ones who want you to know you’re on your own
“I don’t have the solutions to all your problems. Emi gan mo need help.” — Tolu, 25
“I’m not your role model, please. I don’t have it all figured out.” — Uduak, 26
“Don’t do drugs. There is madness in our family, and I will leave you on the road if you craze.” — Stephanie, 26
“The same piece of advice I gave them when they were about to get their first jobs is what I want them to always know: Be responsible for every and anything you do.” — Abisola, 33
The ones who are tired of billing
“Don’t text me to “check on me”. Just ask for the money you want straight up.” — Ore, 26
“There’s no special allowance for firstborns o. It’s like you think money appears in my account as per birthright. Let me be a baby boy, please” — Joshah, 23
“The day I go broke, I’ll come back to you for urgent ₦2k. There’s no law against begging your younger ones.” — Grace, 28
RELATED: 7 Nigerians Talk About How Much It Costs to Be a First-born Child
The ones who really want their siblings to stay winning
“My sister is much younger, so I’d tell her to believe in herself. Think about how far you can go, then reach higher. Dare to dream.” — Stephan, 45
“I may be hard on you, but it’s because I know you’re capable of so much. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You can blow, and you will. And maybe then, you’ll stop billing me.” — Harmony, 27
The ones who want you to remember they’re human
“I’ve made mistakes, and I’m not perfect. I’m not always the best sibling, but all I do is out of a place of love. Be kind.” — Anne, 24
“Sometimes, I don’t want to pick calls or respond to your requests. No, I’m not being wicked. I just have a lot going on. You’re lucky to have someone older to rely on. I don’t. But adulthood and capitalism don’t discriminate. There’s only so much I can do.” — Joel, 35
“If I give you advice, and you take it, but it doesn’t produce the desired results, remember I’m not God. I advise because I care for you, but I’m not always right. And I don’t carry respect on my head. I deserve it because my eyes constantly see shege. It feels nice to be recognised for all the sacrifices I make.” — Tosin, 28
NEXT READ: My Parents Thought I’d Become Wayward Overnight, but I Was Just a First Daughter Looking for Freedom
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First of all, the girlies are always right — take it up with your neighbour if you disagree. But every once in a while, we seek advice from others, either because we want to reinforce just how right we are, or we actually want a second opinion.
Every girl is at least one of these ten people when seeking advice.
The one who just wants confirmation
She’s seeking advice, but in reality, she knows what she wants to hear. All she wants is for you to confirm what she already knows — she’s always right.
The O in “opposite”
She has a degree in doing the exact opposite of the advice she just received. Like, girl, why waste both of our times when you know you won’t even try to take the advice?
The last resort
She’ll only reach out for advice when she’s tried everything, and everything has scattered like undone eba on her head. Pro tip: Don’t try to advise this babe because chances are the issue is now unsolvable.
The one who might get you jailed
She’ll only ask for advice on stuff like how to bury a body or plant a tracking device on her boyfriend.
Did you hear about the party we’re hosting for the girlies? Zikoko is bringing all the hot babes to the yard for the hottest babes-only festival. Get your tickets here.
The one who just asks for asking sake
She’s probably asking for advice because everyone has dragged her for never wanting to hear someone else’s opinion. You can tell because she’ll likely stare at you with a faraway look in her eyes as you speak and just nod at intervals. Save your breath; what she wants to do is in her mind already.
The unicorn
She asks for advice and actually takes it. She also knows exactly what she wants to eat at a restaurant. She’s a real-life miracle.
The fighting queen
She doesn’t have time for nonsense. Give her advice she doesn’t like, and you’ll probably never hear from her again. She’s also really good at throwing subs and ghosting.
The time waster
She comes for advice every two market days, ranting about the same problem every time. You’ve given every piece of advice you can think of, but things never work out as planned. It might be better to just commit her to God’s hands.
The “never mind”
She comes seeking advice, but in the middle of baring out her soul, she slams you with “never mind”. If you check it well, she likely has an ex-friend who spread all her dirty thongs in public when they had issues.
The advice shopper
If she doesn’t ask at least six different people’s opinions on one matter, she won’t rest. Then she’ll get confused about the final decision to take. Why won’t you be confused, Bisi?
NEXT READ: A Short Story: “Say the Full Thing”
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As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, you should be certain of two things. One: If you have light for three consecutive days, look for NEPA’s office and beg them to take the light. There’s a problem somewhere.
Two: Typical Nigerian bosses are never wrong. Like, never.
The key to winning every argument is by using Nigerian boss tactics, and this article will teach you how.
Make a decision
For top points, pick the most unreasonable decision or opinion possible. For example, of course, one person should be able to do the work of five people without complaining. Are you asking for too much, or are they just not putting in the effort?
Stand by it
Channel your inner mountain and absolutely refuse to change your stance. It doesn’t matter if everyone around you is crying. You’ve made your decision, and changing it means you lose the argument. We don’t want that.
Never accept defeat
Even if the points against your argument are as bright as the Kaduna sun, refuse to be defeated. If they do too much, tell them, “I’ve been an expert in this field since before you were born”. That’ll show them.
Intimidate others into silence
Directly or indirectly threaten to show them shege if they dare question your authority. They’ll accept your every word as law.
Play the boss card
If it looks like you’re losing, just say, “Do you know more than me?” but don’t even give them the space to answer. Just keep repeating that question.
It’s like you know more than me, abi?
RELATED: 9 Appropriate Responses to the Frustrating “Do You Know Who I Am”?
Tell them you’ll consider it
If the person has coconut head and still insists on making their opinions heard, tell them you’ll consider it. Then proceed to never think about it again.
Say, “It’s against policy”
And don’t bother to explain what policy you’re talking about. The point is, you know more than them, and they need to shut their face.
Or just sack them
How dare they question your irrational ways? If you can’t sack them because you’re not a Nigerian boss in real life, sack them from your life and keep it moving.
ALSO READ: 9 Unmissable Signs That Your Nigerian Boss Is Clueless
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You might have forgotten your New Year’s resolutions, but we know exactly what you should be doing more of this year.
Take the quiz to find out.
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Dating is not for the fainthearted. Let us help your life. Take this quiz and we’ll give you the dating advice you need.
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Growing older means having friends scattered far away, and in some cases across the world. If you’re looking for ways to help you maintain those long-distance friendships, you’ve come to the right place.
Save their country’s time zone and national holidays on your phone
For people trying to navigate long-distance that cuts across time zones, you should try saving the country’s time and holidays calendar on your phone. That way you have an understanding of some references they bring up. Lass lass, if the friendship eventually scattered, you’ve learnt something new.
RELATED: 6 Reasons Why Friendship Breakups Hurt More Than Anything
Sync your calendars and create a mini schedule of their day
Have a general idea of what they get up to during the day so you’d figure out times to catch up that doesn’t require your schedules to clash. Imagine trying to video call your friend as they’re about to perform surgery?
Don’t miss out on any free time
Whatever opportunity you both have to spend together either virtually or physically should be snatched up like dollars. They won’t come as often as you’d like, but when they do, hoard it like Nigerian officials hoard palliatives.
Schedule check-ins with each another
Sometimes, there just isn’t any free time, so the best bet you have is to make some. It could be anything from five minutes to one hour of your day, but the sacrifice is worth the time.
RELATED: #ToHer: Our Friendship Feels Like Drinking Garri on a Hot Day
Pick a method of communication that works for both of you
You should choose apps that you both spend enough time on and can communicate seamlessly. This way, you can stay in touch.
We have the internet, use it
There are so many hacks, links and plug-ins that allow you to share content with the people you care about. You can watch videos with them, play games and also share the music you’re currently listening to. If data prices are going to keep rising, might as well make spend it on your friendship.
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Dates can be super expensive, and sometimes money is being saved for other things. That’s why we created a list of six fun and cheap activities you can do with your partner.
Cook together
Both of you should go to the market and buy ingredients to cook your favourite meals. That way, you learn how to make something your partner adores in the way they love it, and you don’t have to buy food that day. Play some music while in the kitchen and have an impromptu karaoke session with plantain as your microphone.
RELATED: 12 Food Questions to Ask Your Prospective Partner
Help your partner move
A moving date can be many things, from helping them repaint the walls to arranging the furniture. You find things in their boxes that allow you learn new things about them. If your partner’s love language is acts of service? They’d enjoy this even more.
Bind and cast your enemies
If your partner cares about you, they’d ensure your enemies are no longer after you. That’s why binding and casting dates are essential. You help each other secure your futures while keeping your enemies at bay.
Reading date
You can either read each other’s favourite book or pick a new book to read. When something ridiculous happens, you can share your excitement with them. Once you’re done reading, you both can talk about the book.
RELATED: 9 Green Flags to Look Out for in a Partner
Puzzles
Buy two identical puzzles and set a timer. Whoever finishes first wins. It’s healthy competition, and a prize can even be attached. Puzzles aren’t that expensive, and as you both try to sabotage each other, you’ll get a few laughs out of the situation or even declare war. The choice is yours.
Scary movie night
Buy like 5 GB of data and bingewatch a bunch of scary movies neither of you has seen. The twist is that you both try to predict the characters that’ll survive and which ones will die. The movies are less scary this way, and you find yourself rooting for certain characters.
RELATED: 6 Ways to Choose the Perfect Partner From a Long List of Options
Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.
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When people talk about acrylic nails, people usually only mention how hard it is to use your hands after fixing them. But there’s more, and we’re here to tell you other things people don’t tell you about fixing acrylic nails.
1 They’re addictive
When people talk about addiction, they forget that getting acrylic nails can be an addiction. The sound your nails make when they tap your phone, how elegant flipping a bird is and the way they take your hands from 0–100 makes you want them all the time. If your bank account can finance this addiction, we’ll eat you when it’s time to eat the rich.
2 They leave your nails looking ugly
When you finally remove your acrylic nails, your nails don’t look particularly pretty. All the glue they used in fixing the acrylic end up making your natural nails unsightly . It’s worse if/when the acrylic breaks off.
3 You need to be creative while removing the acrylic
If for some reason you need them off sooner than expected, you don’t have access to nail dissolver, then prepare to suffer like this babe. And
Why? Because the nearest place that sold the nail dissolving solution was far, and your babe’s fingers HURT 4 You lose some feeling in your fingers
Having acrylic nails means the tips of your fingers lose some feeling. You’ll feel numb, as though you’ve been lugging around blocks of cement with your fingertips.
5 Never get your acrylic nails with long natural nails
If you grow out your nails and you’re not prepared to cut them, then acrylics aren’t for you. If you’re stubborn and enjoy brutal pain, then you can go ahead and fix the them. Removing them will hurt but at least your vocabulary of cuss words will expand.
6 You will have to reorient your brain
Things you’ve gotten used to doing will have to change because of your new… appendages. You can no longer just pick your card from the table.You’ll have to learn a new way of contorting your body to do the simplest tasks. Stressful.
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