The Nollywood Bible

We’ve proven time and time again that old Nollywood had a certain je ne sais quoi that was wild, unhinged, and, most importantly, unintentionally hilarious. It came across in everything about the movies from that era: the acting, the wardrobe, the stories, the soundtracks, etc. And you know the sad part? All those things were products of their time, which means that they can never be properly recreated.

However, thanks to the good folks at @yung.nolly and @nolly.babes – who are doing the Lord’s work by using social media to immortalize old Nollywood – I picked 5 clips that perfectly convey the raw madness old Nollywood was full of.

1) Sandra’s Monologue:

This clip showed me how passionate Sandra Achums was as an actress. That being said, there’s something way off and thigh-slappingly hilarious about the way she delivers her lines in this scene. That, along with the insane early 2000s fashion and the fact that no actual human talks like this (weapon of love? honey pot??) perfectly encapsulate the pure chaotic energy of old Nollywood.

2) Keep being the bad gyal you are:

In 2003’s Blood Sisters, Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde and Genevieve Nnaji play sisters, Gloria and Esther respectively. At some point in the movie, Esther is jealous of Gloria’s romantic relationship so when Gloria’s boyfriend comes around when Gloria isn’t home, Esther feeds him lies of Gloria secretly being the Whore of Babylon incarnate. This leads to Gloria’s boyfriend leaving the most unintentionally hilarious breakup letter (and voice-over) in the history of film, which he ends with the now-iconic line “Bye…and keep being the bad gyal you are.”

3) Rita Dominic’s inner agbero:

I don’t know where this is from but I LOVE the energy. Rita Dominic (looking deranged) walks up to a guy who’s seated on a couch, reading a newspaper and smashes a beer bottle on his head. The rush of it all makes me giddy but in a good way. The 3-second long clip has become the go-to meme for when someone wants to “scatter the place.”

4) This scene from Stolen Bible:

Everything about 2004’s Stolen Bible was a fucking riot. The entire movie is a string of hilarious hijinks, but this scene takes the loony cake. Apollo (the main character, who suffers from a case of spiritually-induced kleptomania) is praying in front of a statue of Jesus when it – because of the magnitude of her sins – comes to life, expresses shock, and chases her away. It’s later revealed to be a dream sequence but the sheer lunacy of it makes it the high point of the movie.

5) This Accident Scene:

The clip is amazing because the series of events in it get wilder with each passing second so that your jaw is on the ground by the time it ends. The editing alone is enough to make you dizzy. Tack on the practical effects and the victim’s performance, and you have a batshit trifecta.

RECOMMENDED: 4 Nollywood Characters Who Brought About Their Own Misfortune
I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about how many Nollywood protagonists get away with doing stupid shit because they suddenly remember – at the movie’s climax – that God exists and rush to church for a hot deliverance session.

I’ve thought about this so much that I’ve decided to call out these fictional characters and drag them for filth because I hate nonsense behaviour.

1) Andy Okeke from ‘Living In Bondage‘.

Andy, right before he makes the decision to sacrifice his wife at the altar of satan for a shit load of money.

Andy “Motherfucking” Okeke (Kenneth Okonkwo) has a good life. He has a loving wife, Merit (Nnenna Nwabueze), who adores him and he has no problems with employment (he talks about getting and quitting 5 jobs when the movie starts). But Andy wants more. He wants endless supplies of wealth so he can rub shoulders with his friends. So he ends up using Merit for money ritual.

Pissed because she was his ride-or-die and still got sacrificed, Merit’s angry spirit begins haunting the shit out of Andy, La Llorona style. When it seems like Merit’s spirit is about to get the revenge she deserves, Andy is taken to a church. A half-assed deliverance session later, all his sins are forgiven, which I can only assume leaves Merit’s angry spirit even more pissed of because what the hell is she supposed to spend eternity doing now?? #JusticeForMerit

2) Dolly from ‘Missing Angel‘.

Dolly, straddling a dude who couldn’t possibly be (and act) less human.

I understand that constantly hustling and yielding nothing is super frustrating, but leave it to Dense Dolly (Stella Damasus) – the protagonist of 2004’s Missing Angel – to wish death upon herself if she hasn’t made it by her 25th birthday. Dolly’s life does turn around before her 25th birthday (she wins the lottery) but unfortunately for her, Satan took her up on her stupid vow and decided on a no take-back policy. He sends his angel of death (Desmond Elliot) to collect her soul, who shows up and slowly infiltrates her life for some reason.

However, Dolly meets the angel of death, likes what she sees, and then HAS SEX WITH HIM, despite him being absolutely terrible at pretending to be human. When she figures out who he is and why he’s there, she gathers her family and friends in a church to cast and bind. The only reason Dolly doesn’t get dragged to hell is that the angel, having caught feelings for her, decides to sacrifice himself in her place.

3) Chidi from ‘Diamond Ring‘.

Piece of shit privileged asshole, Chidi, has everything. His father is loaded AF and is willing to give him anything he wants. Yet, this idiot still goes to university and joins a GRAVE-ROBBING CULT, causing the spirit of the woman whose crypt he pillaged, to curse him with a serious illness. To save his life, his family has to travel halfway across the world looking for the dead woman’s diamond ring he stole and sold. After that, she makes them retrieve her casket (that someone else stole) and gather her children who hate her (and each other) so she can talk to them one last time.

Fuck Chidi.

4) Nnamdi Okeke from ‘Living in Bondage: Breaking Free’.

Nnamdi Okeke (Jide Kene Achufusi) is dirt poor when Richard Williams (Ramsey Nouah) shows up out of nowhere and starts showering him with money and opportunities. In one scene that showcases their strong sugar daddy/sugar baby dynamic, Nnamdi says this naive shit:

And Richard ominously replies with this:

But Nnamdi has clearly never seen 1997’s ‘Devil’s Advocate’. Because he willingly joins a cult and is somehow shocked when he’s asked to sacrifice someone he loves, even though he witnessed a human sacrifice during his initiation. It just makes you wonder what he expected would happen after joining the discount Illuminati.

As a prize for getting to the end of this, here’s a version of the above scene edited to prove my point that Richard and Nnamdi’s interactions had sugar daddy/sugar baby energy:

I rest my case.

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1) Beyonce & Rihanna:

Nadia Buhari and Omotola Jalade Ekeinde play Beyonce and Rihanna respectively (I shit you not), pop superstar divas who hate each other’s guts. They also happen to have eyes for the same man, a music producer who goes by the name, Jay. If it feels like you’ve heard this story before, it’s because you have. This was the narrative of the alleged beef going on between the real Beyonce and Rihanna in the mid to late 2000s.

Watch this and be amused by all the cheap wigs, Jim Iyke’s Jay Z impression, and all the lip-synching that made the movie feel like a Beyonce and Rihanna greatest hits compilation. The best part comes at the end of part two when both characters are set to perform in a competition against each other but Beyonce passes out on stage because she overdosed on energy drinks.

Then they tell you to watch out for part 3 & 4.

2) Blackberry Babes:

A group of young women do everything possible to get their hands on the (then) latest Blackberry phones because their social statuses depend on it. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have expected much from these movies because they were made by the producers of Beyonce & Rihanna.

In one of the many sequels, there’s a scene where a girl uses juju to turn her sugar daddy into a Bold 5 and then runs off with it, leaving the super expensive SUV behind!

3) Stolen Bible:

Kate Henshaw plays Apollonia, a girl who steals a bible and gets cursed with the spirit of Kleptomania by the person she stole from. The movie is a string of hilarious hijinks caused by her inability to stop stealing. After her mother ships her off to a convent to get help, Apollonia gathers a few friends to join her in stealing money from a babalawo’s shrine. He curses them with elephantiasis and cancer. That’s when the movie gets super gross.

4) White Hunters:

Sadly, this movie isn’t about a group of women hunting white men for sport. It’s about a group of girls who have made it their life’s mission to shack up with rich white men so they never have to work another day in their lives. I remember it being marketed with the cringey tag line, “We have broken into Hollywood!” and watching the movie because of this, only to see Phillipino and Lebanese “actors” scattered in it. This movie is why I have trust issues today.

RECOMMENDED: The Zikoko Guide To Becoming A Nollywood Sugar Mummy
Around the start of the 2010s, Nollywood trailers got an upgrade, which meant no more “51 Iweka road onitsha! Grab ya copy nooooow!” It was refreshing. It seemed like the movie industry had picked up a few tips from their foreign counterparts.

However, it’s been years now and nothing has changed. All the trailers now look the same because of certain recurring elements. So if you plan on making a Nollywood-style trailer of your own, here are those recurring elements.

1) Drone/Crane Shots.

ALL THE DRONE/CRANE SHOTS! Throw in many drone/crane shots that makes everyone watching feels nauseous by the end. A quiet conversation at a restaurant? Crane shot. Someone doing laundry? Drone shot. Sex scene? Drone AND crane shot.

2) Make the background music so loud that people struggle to hear what the characters are saying.

Whoever said mood music is supposed to be subtle lied. Take a dramatic song and blare it at the loudest volume possible. Who cares if the viewers aren’t able to hear the bits of dialogue meant to help them understand what the movie is about? WHO CARES??

3) Steamy scenes.

If your movie has sex scenes, put them in the trailer. People have to know that you were willing to “go there.” Remember that Omotola movie from 2017 titled “Alter Ego?” The only reason people remember it is because of the sex scenes (especially the one that took place in the back seat of a car). Don’t dull.

4) Party Scenes

If the Wedding Party and Chief Daddy movies have taught us anything is that Nigerians will lose their minds if you throw any film at them with a big, flashy party in it. If your movie has this, put shots from it into the trailer. Be sure to show off the cast members in pretty clothes trying (and failing) to replicate popular dance moves.

5) Make the entire trailer one long sequence of rapid cuts.

Your trailer has to feel like a jigsaw puzzle. Have so many rapid cuts that viewers will be crazy dizzy by the time the trailer is over and will have no idea what the hell they just watched. People will flock to watch your movie because everyone loves a good mystery.
1) First things first, take your husband from being the main character in your life to being a minor recurring character.

Either that or you just get rid of him altogether. How you choose to do that is entirely up to you. *wink wink*

2) Get a much younger lover.

Very important.

3) And fuck them up if they ever try to end things with you.

How fucking dare they??

4) No matter where you are or what you’re doing, be dressed in a ridiculously flashy Iro and Buba.

That or a pant suit. Either one works.

5) Serve ancient Chinese demon realness with your makeup.

And slay everyone’s fucking existence at the same damn time.

6) Even with the insane amount of money you have, buy and wear only the most fabulously insane wigs in existence.

Only the cheapest, stiffest, driest wigs will do.

7) Talk in the weirdest accent you can muster.

https://twitter.com/yungnollywood/status/1272131832386129921?s=19

Sound like your attempting numerous accents at the same time and failing terribly at all of them.

8) Own a boutique full of sales girls who hate you.

They will try to poison you and seduce your husband. Shine your eye.

9) Have a group of other sugar mummies you hangout with.

So you can keep each other updated on what’s new in the sugar mummy community.

10) Lastly, have a sugar mummy who you really fucking hate and proceed to have sugar mummy battles with her whenever you cross paths.

Good luck!

Shoutout to @yungnollywood on Instagram for the pictures and videos.

Recommended Reading: 13 Wigs From Old Nollywood That Are Just Fabulously Insane
1) Order fried rice, chicken, and juice at a restaurant and then proceed to feed each other while smiling sheepishly.

Whether or not you include salad in your order is up to you.

2) Go to a forest and chase each other around a tree.

Just watch out for soldier ants or falling fruit.

3) Go to the beach and ride a horse together.

It HAS to be at bar beach. I know bar beach isn’t really a thing anymore but I don’t care. Find a way to make it happen.

4) Go on a picnic and feed each other ice cream.

If you both are feeling particularly caucasian that day, you can feed each other grapes instead.

5) Go to a park and push each other on the swing while giggling.

Never mind the growing group of children crying all around you because they want a turn on the swing. Fuck them.

6) Go on a shopping spree at a ridiculously named boutique.

Just pack a ton of shit off the racks without checking their prices. You’re love and that’s all that matters.

7) Then finally, bring things full circle with one round of fully-clothed sex.

I don’t know how that works either. Don’t ask me.

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Those who know me are aware of the fact that I’m obsessed with movie wigs. I had a Twitter meltdown after the trailer for Aquaman was released and I saw Mera and Atlanna’s wigs. Famke Janssen’s lace front being hella visible throughout the entirety of X-Men: The Last Stand stressed me TF out. And it’s only a matter of time before I get thrown out of the cinema for screaming at the screen during every Halle Berry movie.

When it comes to old school Nollywood, I tend to give them a pass because there wasn’t much they could do with a ₦50,000 budget and a movie production time of three days. So I just watch and laugh my ass off.

Here are 13 of the wildest ones I’ve seen recently. Shoutout to @nolly.babes and @yungnollywood on Instagram.

1) This frizzy wig.

I can’t explain why but it makes perfect sense that Patience Ozokwor would be caught wearing a Bride of Frankenstein-inspired wig. Just add stripes of white dye at both sides and the look is complete.

2) This blonde wig

Clarion Chukwurah (much like fellow actress and style icon, Eucharia Anunuobi) has always been adventurous when it comes to fashion, so I knew she’d definitely be on this list. The wig’s stiffness, coupled with the fact that I can see her real edges made this even more delicious.

3) This brunette mess.

“Excuse me, ma’am? Mufasa and Simba called. They want their manes back.”

4) This platinum wig.

Regina Askia stole this wig from the set of the X-Men movies and you can’t tell me otherwise.

5) This Daenerys-inspired wig.

Enough said.

6) This snake hair wig.

I’m so sad because I know they had to behead Medusa to make this wig.

7) What even is this?

The perfect representation of “classy in the front, garbage fire at the back.”

8) The spiky wig.

Middle-aged women in the civil service took this wig and ran with it. They still haven’t given it back.

9) This (probably dead) moderately-sized forest animal moonlighting as a wig.

I keep expecting the wig to squeak and jump off her head.

10) This wool wig.

She came ALL the way through serving Raggedy Ann realness and you know what? She served hard. I have no choice but to stan.

11) THIS WIG!

Me: (In Michelle Obama’s voice): “Hey queen! Girl, you have done it again. Constantly raising the bar for us all, and doing it flawlessly. I’d say I’m surprised but…”

12) Whatever the hell this is on Emeka Enyiocha’s head.

The wig looks like a tangled mass of fat shoelaces and I’m so confused.

13) This braided bob wig with FRINGE.

Leave it to Eucharia (and Clarion Chukwurah) to make the bold fashion statement no one else will. QUEENS OF STYLE.
There’s probably something to be said about the fact that Nollywood has spent the better part of its existence churning out movies about the supernatural, featuring witches, each one more grotesque than the last.

There’s something to be said. I’m not going to be the one who says it, though.

What I’m here to do today is honour the most iconic witches Nollywood has given us; those witches that damaged an entire generation of children by taking up residence in their subconscious and haunting their dreams.

Let’s get into it:

1) Regina Askia’s character in Full Moon

To be honest, I’ve always considered this character more of a Marvel mutant rip-off than a Nollywood witch. This is because she wasn’t evil (like other movie characters with mystical powers at the time). That being said, I think she deserves a spot on this list for that time she set a rapist on fire and that other time she turned her evil stepfather into a statue/pillar of salt.

2) Liz Benson’s character in Diamond Ring

I get that the movie never told us what this character was like when she was alive (except that she was filthy rich). But how else can you explain her ability to reach into the land of the living (from the afterlife) and fuck shit up? She caused a car accident (that killed Bimbo Akintola’s character), struck Teju Babyface’s character down with an illness, and still found the time to appear in RMD’s living room to fuck up his light bulbs and raise Shola Sobowale’s blood pressure. I STAN A DEAD QUEEN OF VENGEANCE AND MULTITASKING.

If you haven’t clocked it yet, I have huge crush on this character.

3) Nneka The Pretty Serpent

Nneka the Pretty Serpent was the first in a long line of Nollywood movies that featured marine spirits coming on land to fuck up the lives of men unfortunate enough to have sex with them. Nneka solidified her bad bitch status in a beach-front fight with a pastor at the end of the first movie. She lost, but she lost gracefully.

4) The witches in Koto Aiye

From blood sacrifices and killings to stylish meeting outfits and choreography, these women served us all the things we didn’t even know we needed from a coven of murderous witches.

5) Karishika

As the official queen of demons (Lilith, who?), Karishika came to Earth with a 20-inch weave, stylish early 90s clothes, and her own theme song! She walked out of a graveyard, took a huge bite out of the neck of the first man she saw, and stole his car! LMAO!

6) Willie Willie

Willie Willie’s sexually ambiguous nature made me wonder whether it deserved a spot on this list or not. But that doesn’t matter because it’s 2019 (inclusiveness for all) and Willie Willie’s M.O of murdering children that sang about it is so badass.

7) The witches from WITCHES

What I love the most about this movie (even more than the witches’ long acrylic nails and theme song) is how the makers made the decision to not stress themselves over naming the movie. It’s kinda like how Ridley Scott made a movie about aliens and named it Aliens.

8) Sakobi

Another marine spirit sent to wreak havoc on Earth, Sakobi made her grand entrance into the world as a giant snake, turned into a beautiful woman (played by Susan Patrick) on a busy road in broad daylight, and set off on her quest to destroy the destinies of men with her vagina.

9) Alex Usifo as Beelzebub in End of the Wicked

I know that he’s not a woman. But this character, who I recently learned was named Beelzebub (after the Philistine god and later demon), gave Dracula a run for his money by spending the better part of the movie’s runtime drinking blood. For that alone, he deserves a spot here.

10) Patience Ozokwor in everything she’s ever been in

Each new character she plays is more wicked than the last. How do you explain that?
Whether you own a Netflix account strictly for Netflix and chill or you are squatting in someone’s account because you don’t want to pay for it. Here are 8 Nigerian movies you should watch on Netflix instead of watching Suits again.
Fifty

With Dakore Akande, Ireti Doyle and Nse Ikpe-Etim on the cast you already know this movie is going to be amazing. Fifty follows the surprisingly entertaining lives of four women about to turn 50 over the course of a week.
The Wedding Party

Yes, we know you already watched The Wedding Party, maybe even two or three times but what’s the point of having a Netflix account if you don’t take the opportunity to watch it again. You already know it’s worth your time.
Mummy Dearest

Mummy Dearest is the perfect tearjerker for you to watch home alone on a rainy Friday night. Veteran actress – Liz Benson gives a stellar performance in her role as a dedicated mother trying to connect with her kids. It’s not like you expected anything less from her.
When Love Happens

Looking for a feel-good romantic movie to get you all up in your feels? Or to remind you that you are a singu pringu looking for bae? When Love Happens is perfect for that.
Invasion 1897

Imagine getting a history lesson while cuddled up in bed with bae or well your pillow, Invasion 1897 gives you a bit of drama and a trip down history lane to 1897. Which was when British Colonial forces tried to depose the ruler of Benin Kingdom.
Taxi Driver (Oko Ashewo)

Legendary and actor and Nigeria’s meme king – Odunlade is in this one. Do you even need to know any more about it before adding it to your list?
The Duplex

Finally, a Nollywood horror movie where the ghosts are not wearing white cloth with dusting powder on their faces.
Road to Yesterday

If Genevieve Nnaji’s performance in Road to Yesterday doesn’t make you shed at least a tear or two then we owe you one beer.
Lunch Time Heroes

Lunch Time Heroes has the perfect combination of humor and drama that makes a really good feel-good movie.
The Visit

Nse-Ikpe-Etim makes another appearance on this list and shows us why she has been nominated for so many AMCVAs with her performance in The Visit. What Nollywood movie would you love to add to your Netflix list so you can watch over and over again?
Nollywood has always depicted Nigerian society in different crazy ways, but nothing compares to how they depict exactly how Nigerian wives should behave. It’s amazing and highkey hilarious, honestly. Let me give you a few examples.

These people will just be making marriage to be fearing somebody. Where’s the nearest convent, abeg?
1. Marry as a virgin

But on your wedding night, bust several moves. Shey the knowledge comes with the ring, at least for women? Men have to get their knowledge the more… manual way, obviously.
2. Throw it down in the kitchen

Looking like this, no less. If you’re not Martha Stewart mixed with The Kitchen Butterfly, are you even worth marrying? You will just push your husband into the hands of the next woman that can cook! Shey, it’s food cooked by someone else he came to use his life to eat.
3. Get pregnant in the first few months.

In fact, if you don’t get pregnant on your wedding night there must be something wrong. To Nollywood, any good wife will birth a son first, so act accordingly. It’s simply common sense and a little biology. Also, don’t forget to keep having babies till your husband can no longer afford them, but never ever add weight, look tired or complain.
4. Never accuse your husband of cheating even if you catch him red handed.

And if it’s paining you too much that your husband fell into the orifices of another woman, you need to apologise for not being enough and performing your duties to satisfaction. If he should continue, get your Bible or Quran and pray because it must be jazz.
5. Be obedient.

If your husband says ‘jump’, you better pack your breasts and start jumping.
6. Always look good.

Even if you’re just leaving the delivery room. As soon as that baby drops, the weight should drop too. In fact, leave that place with your baby, makeup and heels. After all, you don’t want to push him into the hands of another woman.
7. Be more forgiving than Jesus.

If your husband slaps you, just grab his collar, call him by his name and say “you slapped me?!” Then go ahead and insist that he kill you without delay. And when he should get on his knees, shed two tears and insist that the devil made him do it, forgive him. You’re a good wife.
8. Clean the house like that’s what you were born to do.

A Nigerian husband can only survive in the cleanest of homes and environments, so of course, it is your duty as a good wife to make that happen. The house must always be sparkling!
9. Always always look sexy.

But only in the house! So you can titillate his senses as you bend down to perform every little task. You have to stay on top of that sexy game!
10. Don’t bother him unnecessarily. Even when you think it’s important, it’s not important to him.

Even if you also have a job, you must always remember that your husband has had a long day, so you must never ask him to help around the house, help with the children, or even inconvenience him by falling sick. Don’t make him look outside the home for complete laziness.
11. Respect his family. He doesn’t have to respect yours o but you must respect his family.

Even if his younger siblings are younger than the last born of your family, you must always call them ‘sister’ or ‘brother’. Show that you have home training if you don’t want to go back to your father’s house that they weren’t chasing you from in the first place.
12. You had better get out of bed first in the morning.

You must never let your husband wake up after you. What kind of wife are you?! You should have been doing “one or two things” before he opens his eyes. This includes but is not limited to cooking, cleaning, and preparing the kids for school. You get up before him on weekends even, to handwash his underwear.
13. Ensure food is always fresh and hot.

Whether you have a job or not, all food your husband eats must be fresh and hot. Don’t ask me how you’re supposed to do that – I’m not married to your husband with you.
14. Please what else did we leave out?

Drop a comment below!

Fifty

The Wedding Party

Mummy Dearest

When Love Happens

Invasion 1897

Taxi Driver (Oko Ashewo)

The Duplex

Road to Yesterday

Lunch Time Heroes

The Visit

Nollywood has always depicted Nigerian society in different crazy ways, but nothing compares to how they depict exactly how Nigerian wives should behave. It’s amazing and highkey hilarious, honestly. Let me give you a few examples.

1. Marry as a virgin

2. Throw it down in the kitchen

3. Get pregnant in the first few months.

4. Never accuse your husband of cheating even if you catch him red handed.

5. Be obedient.

6. Always look good.

7. Be more forgiving than Jesus.

8. Clean the house like that’s what you were born to do.

9. Always always look sexy.

10. Don’t bother him unnecessarily. Even when you think it’s important, it’s not important to him.

11. Respect his family. He doesn’t have to respect yours o but you must respect his family.

12. You had better get out of bed first in the morning.

13. Ensure food is always fresh and hot.

14. Please what else did we leave out?