Sex Life: Navigating Love & Sex As A Polyamorous Man

May 2, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual man who has been polyamorous for about 2 years. He talks about dating multiple women at once, his insatiable sexual appetite and his adventurous streak.

What was your first sexual experience?

Does kissing count as a “sexual experience”? I suppose it should, right? 

Yeah, I think so. 

Alright. So, that happened when I was about 10. I kissed one of my crushes in secondary school. In hindsight, it wasn’t that great, but since then, kissing has been one of my favourite things.

When did you first go beyond just kissing?

I think I was in SS 2. It was my first makeout session. Sure, I’d already kissed, but this was different. We made out for a long time. Our hands went everywhere and we tried to explore everything. We didn’t have sex, but that experience was magical to me. 

So when did you have sex?

I know this is supposed to be like a landmark event, but I can’t fully remember. I know I was about 17, and she said something like, “big things really do come in small packages’. I wasn’t sure if she meant I had a big penis, or I had a small penis that delivered a big experience. 

Lmao. Do you remember anything else about the experience?

I had done some research beforehand, but I was still shocked. I remember how it felt to be inside a vagina for the first time, and let me tell you: tales of its glory were not exaggerated. My goodness. I knew I wanted to taste it right then, but I didn’t ask. 

You did like proper research?

Yeah. I was curious and wanted to know what it would be like. I mostly had my raging teenage horniness under control, but the lack of any sort of proper sex education was very frustrating. So, I did the work myself.

Smart. So, what’s your sex life like these days?

Underwhelming. Not in terms of the experiences themselves — those have been very good, bordering on incredible — but in terms of frequency. I have a ridiculous appetite, so having sex 4 or 5 days a week is what I’d prefer.

How often would you say you have it now?

Maybe once or twice a week. That’s not even a given, because I sometimes go weeks or even months without having sex at all. That, for me, is the worst possible outcome, but I’ve learned to deal with it.

Do you masturbate to ease the tension during these periods?

Not always. In my case, masturbation doesn’t ease any tension. If I masturbate and I’m still awake, I get horny again soon after. It actually makes it worse, and I soon start wanting to eat vagina — wanting isn’t even the word, more like craving.

Wait. Giving head alone would be enough to satisfy you?

Well, a sexual experience without penetration would not feel incomplete to me. So, yeah, considering how much I love giving head, it would be enough. I wouldn’t use the word “satisfy” though.

Why not?

Every sexual experience is enjoyable, but I don’t know if I’m ever satisfied. Like, I’ve never given head to the point where I thought I’d had enough. I can always keep going, but no matter where we stop, I’m fine because vagina tastes good.

Lmao. Wow. The women you date must LOVE you.

I’m actually polyamorous (the practice of engaging in multiple sexual and romantic relationships with the consent of all the people involved). So, while I haven’t had much success in the sense of sustained relationships, I’ve had a lot of beautiful experiences. 

How long have you been polyamorous and what made you try?

I’ve been actively polyamorous for about two years. I genuinely believe that humans have the capacity to love/experience multiple people as fiercely as they can love/experience one person, so that’s why I decided to give it a shot. 

What’s the experience been like for you?

It’s been beautiful, painful, illuminating, difficult and gut-wrenching. There are many times that I’ve wondered if I was simply deceiving myself, and of course, a lot of people have tried to convince me of my foolishness for even attempting.

When it works, however, it’s like being in multiple, loving monogamous relationships at the same time, which might sound familiar to some, but the “without lying about that fact” is an important difference.

Lmao. What’s the highest number of people you’ve dated at once?

Three.

How was that?

They all knew about each other, but they hardly interacted. I would’ve liked if everyone interacted, but there was some apprehension. That’s one thing I’ll do differently next time. I won’t try to force interaction.

I do think there’s a level of ease that comes with that level of familiarity though. Personally, if and when they decide they also want other partners, I am definitely interested in having a level of familiarity with them.

That makes sense. 

In my mind, it’s not a competition. It’s not either me or them, so I think the experience would be better for everyone if it feels more like a connection. I’ve never really been a jealous person, so this comes easily to me. I do understand that it doesn’t come easily for everyone though.

How did you share your time amongst all three partners?

To be honest, my time-sharing skills were not as good as I’d have liked. Didn’t see some people as much as I did others. So, while I feel like everyone got a lot of my time, I believe the management could’ve been better. I recognize that now.

What part has sex played in these relationships?

It’s a big part, like many other relationships. The important thing is getting tested. Regular and consistent testing. Outside of that, sex has been pretty good. As I said, I have a massive appetite, so I can usually keep up with all my partners. 

Is it easy to convince Nigerian women to try polyamory?

I actually don’t like to convince anyone to try it. I always want people to do what they think is best for them. So, if someone I like isn’t interested in polyamory, there’s nothing to convince them about. Our relationship doesn’t have to be romantic and that’s okay.

Nice answer. So, would you say you have an adventurous sex life?

It depends. My adventures might be quite tame compared to others. Personally, I quite enjoy cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else) and exhibitionism (getting watched while you have sex). Cuckolding is actually fantastic.

I also love having threesomes. I think threesomes with two guys and a babe are massively underrated. Whenever I get to do those, I also make out with the guy, as well as other sexual activities.

Really? 

Yup. I mean, it’s sex and sexual organs are involved. Sexual stimulation doesn’t stop simply because it’s a guy. Also, it’s a threesome. Why rob myself of a pleasurable experience simply because I’m straight?

Have you tried anything with a guy outside of a threesome?

Yes, I actually have. I’ve had sex with a guy outside of a threesome, but because I’m straight it didn’t really work as well. Granted, it was still a pleasurable experience, but I prefer being with women.

Fair. Do you typically sleep with people outside of your relationships?

Generally, no. When I’m in relationships, I tend to stay within the relationships — only a few exceptions have occurred. It’s not a rule though. I personally don’t care who my partners sleep with. I even love hearing them talk about it. But for me, I tend not to. 

So, how would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’m going to say 6.5.

Why 6.5?

8 for quality, but 5 for frequency.

What would get it up to a 10?

Some new experiences. I definitely want to try getting pegged soon. 


Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

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