Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old heterosexual man. He talks about how exploring unconventional forms of sex and chasing excitement helped him find sexual liberation.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old heterosexual man. He talks about how exploring unconventional forms of sex helped him find sexual liberation.
What was your first sexual experience?
It was with a neighbour. We were in SS1 but in different schools. We also went to the same lesson classes. One day, we found ourselves in a room together and started touching each other. I don’t think there was sexual attraction, it was just a case of opportunity and curiosity.
Did it happen just once or… ?
Oh no. It happened for years. We never talked about it — it just happened. It progressed from touching to humping to sex. I was about 15 around this time.
Why did it stop?
No reason. It just did. The same way it started was the same way it just stopped.
How did your sex life progress?
Afterwards, I started having feelings — puberty and stuff. You know how when you’re writing WAEC in a Nigerian school, there’s a bit of freedom that wasn’t there before? That period was a sexual awakening for me. I would stay back after school to kiss girls and sometimes do a bit more. It was an exciting time. But it didn’t kickstart till perhaps university.
What was the university like for you?
Fascinating, stressful, awful, liberating, humbling.
That’s a lot.
University was a whole new world. I had freedom like never before. I felt like a responsible adult, but I learned that being a responsible adult was tiring.
At home, I couldn’t even bring a male friend home. But at uni, I had a shared apartment and could bring home male friends and even female friends.
I hooked up with people and started doing casual sex as well.
Did you enjoy the sex?
Yes. It was pretty good. I’ll be honest; I’ve always had a good sex life. I think I’m good looking, people think so and I’ve always been able to get the girls.
At this point, I was having casual sex often enough. Then I got into a short-lived relationship.
Why was it short-lived?
The babe was annoying. It was stressful, especially since I was in a stressful environment — a Nigerian university. God forbid. So I ended it.
After this, I had a casual-sex-only period, then entered a long relationship. This one ended because I cheated on her. That was on me.
Why did you cheat?
I was bored. That’s not a valid reason for most people, but it’s the truth. I wanted excitement. A few months into the relationship, I was tired. I wanted sexual excitement, I wanted to be on my toes. Cheating had a bit of danger and a change of pace, so I did it. The cheating sex wasn’t all that, but that touch of danger was everything. She eventually found out because there’s nothing like a secret in Lagos.
How did that feel?
Awful. I did not want to hurt someone I loved. People never want to hear what the cheating person has to say, but I genuinely didn’t want to hurt her.
But you wanted sexual excitement?
I wanted danger and excitement in my sex life. Which by the way, was a thing I found out was essential to my sex life.
Can you explain?
I like penetrative sex. However, I easily get bored of it. It doesn’t wow me; it’s just like “6/10”. For a while, I didn’t quite know what was missing, but I knew I needed something to spice it up.
Did you find it?
Yeah, but I like to believe I’m still finding it.
It started with a bit of BDSM and role-playing. I dated this girl who was into it, and I realised I wasn’t as repulsed by it as I thought. So we gave it a go: she dominated me, I dominated her. That was when I first thought, “Yo, this is good.” After that, I started pushing myself. I stopped saying no to “unusual” forms of sex. It’s taken me a long time, but there are very few things that I can not get into. My main exceptions are things that involve waste products — knives, guns, creepy age play and rape play. I don’t do those.
What do you do?
Roleplay is a personal favourite. Pegging, BDSM, spanking, bondage, and frankly, most things. Like the saying goes, I’m here for a good time.
What’s your sex life like now?
LMAO. It’s popping. I have always had a good sex life, but now? Great. The best part is how I know myself now. In the past, I never explored. I just did what I thought was expected of me.
If someone had told me that one day, I would be okay getting dominated or having someone use a dildo on me, I would laugh and probably throw up. But I’m glad I explored myself and found my limits as well as my sweet spots.
What about relationships?
A lot of women don’t want to push the boundaries. They find a man who wants to do something, and they run for the hills. That leaves me with a very small dating pool. I’m okay with that. It’s a good way to filter people. I’ve been single for the past year, but before that, I had great relationships with women who were willing to explore themselves as well as explore me.
Do you feel like more men should try non-conventional forms of sex?
Absolutely. One hundred per cent. Not everyone is for it, and that’s fine. However, there’s nothing wrong with trying stuff out. How do you know it’s not for you if you’ve never tried it? Vanilla sex is great, but there’s so much more to life and sex.
How would you rate your sex life?
8/10. Great sex, but I do wish it happened a bit more and the pool was bigger.