Beyoncé is back and the internet is freaking out. After a six-year album hiatus, Queen Bey is back with a new album, Renaissance, on the way, and a new single out, Break My Soul. On the house-heavy song, Beyoncé complains about capitalism — despite charging an arm and a leg for merch — and asks us to forget our jobs, go outside and have a good time.
But what will you do after you quit your job for Queen Bey? We’ve got you.
Become a tech founder
This is one of the most straightforward jobs in the world! All you need is a cool name, cool headshots in a black t-shirt — or turtleneck if you really want to make a statement — a MacBook, a couple of hot takes on Twitter, some tattoos or interesting piercings and a company that ends with “cash” or “pay”. If all these tech bros can do it, so can you. After all, they don’t have two heads.
Start a Beyhive branch on your street and collect registration fees
Members of the Beyhive are rich! Don’t take our word for it, look at all the people that paid over $100 in these Buhari times for a box when they didn’t even know what was inside. So imagine how much they’d pay monthly to be a part of a Beyhive club? You’ll be swimming in money doing what you love.
Start doing runs
They won’t break your soul — just your back.
Become a dancer because why not?
Since you want to dance to Beyoncé during office hours, you might as well become a professional dancer. The career options are broad and flexible (from strip clubs to dressing up as Barney at children’s birthday parties).
Start selling akara or Titus sardines
We’ve said it before, and we’ll repeat it, akara is the new tech. With people making over ₦30k daily from selling akara and Titus sardine prices now rivalling crude oil, these sound like good investments you can make once you obey Beyonce’s command.
Become a TikTok influencer
This might be a bit tough if you’re a millennial or older, as those transitions and dance moves can be complicated AF! And if you fail, the internet will definitely turn you into a meme. But don’t lose hope. Keep pushing and one day you’ll make it.
Nollywood said it best: “Use what you have to get what you want.” In this case, all you need to do is show a little nakedness and charge people dollars to watch. Think about it this way, Adam and Eve were naked before the devil showed up, so technically, we were all supposed to be naked. Plus, you can dance naked to Break My Soul for your subscribers and get even more money.
Work for Zikoko
Hmmm. We won’t break your soul, and you even get to write articles like this. It’s also not a conventional 9 to 5, and you get to go on leave every time Beyoncé drops a new album, which is like once in every six years. The only downside is that Nigerians will always assume you’re on crack. Smh.
Seduce a rich Nigerian man
If all fails, find a rich man and settle down. Being married to a rich man is a career. Don’t let these basic bitches tell you otherwise. A note though: competition is stiff.