No long talk. We’re tired of seeing real alpha males waste their lives being mediocre. To make the best of your life, use this template and don’t deviate from it. We got it from Adam.
Wake up, king. There are important things for you to attend to and not enough time in the day for you to do them. The first thing a real man does when he wakes up is to fear women. Don’t press your phone or brush your teeth. Just lay in bed and meditate on the evil women have done and are capable of in this life for the next two hours. Take it all in, so nothing catches you off guard in the course of your day. If you don’t do this, anything your eyes see, take it like that. You’ve been warned.
It’s time for your daily 10km run. Get out of bed and start running. Are you trying to be fit, training to run from responsibilities or away from people trying to get you to cheat? All join.
Image source: Idoma Voice
It’s time for breakfast. What’s that? You can’t run 10km in 25 minutes? This article is for men, please. If you can’t do 10km in 25 minutes, then read this.
Back to the men. Homemade pounded yam without soup is for breakfast. If you’re not fortunate enough to have a partner to make it for you yet, you have to do it yourself. That’s kuku how you work out your arms. Eat and be merry. Wash it down with straight gin. Any other thing, and you’ve failed.
It’s time for your daily 1k push-ups. This will aid in the digestion of your food and building of your chest. You need chest.
As a man, why haven’t you bought your Z! Fest tickets? We’re expecting you this Saturday.
Go about your day. Do what you do best, king. Obviously, this means working for yourself, and not someone else. You can’t be calling someone else “sir”, or even worse, “ma”.
No. We didn’t forget bathing. Real men don’t baff.
Men deserve breaks too. Use yours to hunt for your lunch. People who sit in their houses to order food off their phones are the problem with humanity and the reason we won’t survive if the earth was ever in danger.
Back to work. No food for lazy man.
It’s time to find your missing rib. A king needs support because the crown is heavy. We won’t teach you how to search for a partner o. Do whatever you do best. If you want to go about lying about how much you earn, do it. If you want to steal another man’s partner, do it. Just find a way. But if you fail, there’s always tomorrow.
You’re hanging out with your guys soon. Quickly pop into your backyard farm to harvest some wheat to brew the beer you people will drink. If you have some bush meat left over from lunch, even better. If you don’t, no dinner for you because you lack discipline.
Your guys are around. It’s time to watch football, drink aforementioned beer, play FIFA and argue Messi vs Ronaldo, boobs vs ass and Wizkid vs Davido vs Burna Boy.
Before they leave, kiss them goodnight, lips to lips. But very importantly, don’t forget to say #NoHomo.
Taekwondo or boxing classes. Of course, you’re the teacher. Other — younger — men need to learn how to protect their homes and families, and you must teach them.
Pee all around your house to assert your dominance, so another man doesn’t become the man of your house before you wake up the following morning. Very important.
Apply your beard oil. Wait? You don’t have a full beard? Why are you here. Again, this article is for MEN.
Go to bed, but not before kneeling before the picture of Shola in your room and praying to him to watch over you. Don’t forget to apologise for any slip-ups you might’ve had during the day. For example, politely asking a woman for her number instead of demanding it.
Go to bed.
Wake up, look in the mirror and remind yourself you’re the man. Then go back to bed.