Every day we wake up with one argument or the other about what masculinity means.
And with media hot takes constantly demanding that we strive to be more manly, I’ve come up with some things you need to do to prove that you are a modern manly man.
Let’s get it, gents!
Volunteer to go to war
I miss the days when men exerted their energy positively by marking territories and fighting wars. Now, so much time is spent arguing on Twitter or working out at the gym with fancy equipment. So you can deadlift 200KG weights? Nice one, dear. How about you refocus your energy and join the troops in Sambisa forest to prove you’re a real man?
Build houses from scratch
Technology has made men lazy. Our ancestors built their houses from scratch while battling typhoid, malaria and spiritual attacks from the people they were dragging land with. But in 2022, men are out here hiring architects and construction workers. What are men turning to?
Wear thongs often
Honestly, I don’t know why this is here, but thongs are sexy, so I’ll stand by it. After all, you must be strong to have a permanent wedgie all day.
Stop being an employee
How will you be the head if you’re currently working for someone else? Men are natural-born leaders, so it doesn’t make sense for you to spend your time following someone else in the name of employment. Resign from your job today and start your own company. The last time I checked, Timi Ajiboye and Tomiwa Aladekomo don’t have two heads.
Delete all your social media apps
Why are you, a bearer of ball sacks uploading videos on nstagram Reels, arguing about gender wars or dancing to “baby make I fire you with my machine gun” on TikTok? Reason it with me, sir. This isn’t the life you were destined to live as a man. You don’t need to socialise when you’re working on your empire.
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Hunt wild animals in the bush
The bible says, “As a man If you don’t hunt, you shouldn’t eat.” Now that I think about it, I may have made up that quote. Either way, it’s something the Old Testament could’ve said. We need to go back to the days when men carried their spears and went into the bush to hunt squirrels. It’s not every day, “Nice nice,” from Chicken Republic.
Avoid dreaming at night. Or don’t sleep at all
Sleep is for the weak. Are you a weak man?
Also, what are you dreaming of? The problem started when you, a man, decided it was wise to sleep. Your mates are out here reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad and 48 Laws of Power while you’re spending your time in bed. After all, if you don’t sleep, you won’t dream, and dreaming is very unmanly.
Stop splitting the bill on dates
A real man should show that he’s a provider from the start. When you go on a date, pay for everything. In fact, you need to offer to pay your date’s rent, so they know you’re serious. Please and please, stop running away from your responsibilities as a man.
Walk around naked
How else will you mark your territory in life if your dick is hidden so far away in your boxers? Show us what you’re blessed with. Make sure your balls get some fresh air so they don’t start having moulds. That’s a bit unsanitary if you ask me.
No, but seriously, why are you even breathing? It’s a very unmanly thing to do.