Before you read this article, here’s a fact: Zikoko never lies. Everything you see in this article is true. After studying Nigerian men for years, we can finally publish tell what their hairstyles say about them.
Go ahead, see for yourself.
You have been serially heartbroken. The beard? You started growing it when they shattered your heart even though you thought you were nice. The hair? You kept it as a result of the heartbreak that almost ran you mad. Now? You’re turning your heartbreak into beauty and babes are calling you handsome. Hmm, they don’t know.
2. This fine boy cut
You’re a Christian brother who is starting to become a child of the world and this is the first step. Small time, you’ll do full dada.
3. Travis Scott
You think you’re a musician— the best in Nigeria. These other artists don’t understand you and they can’t come near you. You have five mixtapes, but you’ve not dropped them because the world isn’t ready for your music. Your guys, they don’t like your music too. But you’re not worried. They’re the ones with bad taste.
4. Low cut
You cheat— or at least you try to. Your wife knows you cheat but there’s nothing she can do about it. The people you’re trying to move to always air your messages, but the one time you get lucky, all your friends will hear about it nonstop. You don’t think you should be in Nigeria. You think you should be in the USA. That’s why you watch the NBA and not that smelling thing called football. You have a Camry.
5. Coloured hair
This one is not even about the hairstyle. It’s the colour. You want to be a marlian and a bad boy, but you aren’t fully there yet. The only thing that motivates you is peer pressure, but you also don’t want to disappoint your parents. You have an iPhone 8 Plus with a broken screen.
6. This big daddy hairstyle
If this is your hairstyle, daddy please contact me. People that have hair like this? They have bastard money. And you won’t know by just seeing them o. They like forming. Me I won’t use my own hand to insult my own helper. Hmmm. Battery wey full go still low, battery wey low go still full. Our prayer be say make charger no spoil.
7. High fade
You went to the UK one time when you were 4 and now we won’t hear word again. It’s always “bruv” or “innit”. Mayowa, tell me, where did you get “innit” from?
Sometimes, you’re a creative, other times, you’re a tech bro. When you’re not being harrassed by they police because they think you’re a criminal, we can catch you listening to Frank Ocean’s Blonde for the millionth time, and feeling like you’re the coolest person in the room. You’re single, and we know why.
9. Ladder ladder ladder ladder
If this is your hairstyle, we don’t have anything to say to you. Please leave here, because you’re a very unserious fellow.
10. Plain baldness
You have seen a lot of things in this life. You don’t have time for such things as hair and fashion anymore. You still have to pay school fees, pay your employees and all that. Hair? Nope.