It’s the second Tuesday of the month, when the association of Nigerian witches have their monthly meetings. At these meetings, they get updates on the goals set the previous month, address concerns and come up with new ways to cause chaos. These meetings are from 1 – 2 a.m., and there’s always plenty food involved.
The five heads of the association are Shege, Village People, Semo, Nigerian Aunties and Femi. They each handle special departments.
Shege: Good midnight, everyone. Welcome to the first monthly meeting of the ANW in the year 2023.
*Everyone choruses “Good midnight”*
Shege: On the agenda today, we have:
- Change of names
- Goals for the month
Village people: Femi, did you bring akara as I asked?
Femi: No. I was busy with work.
Village people: How does work affect you conjuring food? It would literally have taken five seconds.
Femi: No vex.
Village people: I was really looking forward to…
Shege: It’s enough! Village people, you like food too much. Eat what’s available; there are plenty of other options. Have you tried my spaghetti?
Anyway, moving on to the first item on the agenda. Change of names. What’s the problem?
Semo: Why do I have to be called semo?
Shege: Because people hate you so much, and everyone here is named after someone or something people hate.
Femi: Wait, so why am I called Femi?
Village people: Are you really asking? Femis are the most wicked among all the Yoruba men. Their method of heartbreak will leave you in tears for years. Out of five people, four have been served breakfast by a Femi.
Femi: Where are you getting these statistics?
Village people: Trust me, I know.
Semo: Okay, but Semo doesn’t get that much hate, so I think we should change my name.
Femi: Is that a joke? Have you seen the way Semo is dragged on and offline? Bro, they call it trash and say it tastes like ass.
Nigerian aunties: But many Nigerian aunties are loved.
Shege: How many? With all the fat-shaming, marriage pressure, condescending comments and never minding their businesses, who is loving them? The nice ones aren’t called Nigerian aunties. They’re either “rich auntie” or just “auntie”.
*Nigerian auntie rolls her eyes*
Shege: So we’re all good with names?
Shege: Good. On to the next. Goals for the month. Femi, over to you.
Femi: Okay so, Semo, your goal this month is to get more weddings to serve semo and other trash foods: fufu, white rice and stew, pap and hard ponmo. The goal is for people to be miserable at these weddings, especially those who weren’t invited.
Semo: How is this a way of torturing people?
Femi: Nigerians like food and enjoyment. Once you ruin that for them, they’ll start shedding tears. Oh, add ogbono soup to the list.
Femi: Village people, your job this month is to make sure people don’t hear about their visas till just before they’re supposed to travel.
Village people: Why not just outrightly deny them the visa?
Shege: That’s not fun or creative enough. When they’re waiting for the visa, and it hasn’t been denied yet, they’re overthinking, worrying, crying almost every day and barely sleeping. THAT’s how to be wicked to someone.
Village people: Oya, let’s do this.
Nigerian auntie: Shege, you sabi this thing well.
Femi: Shege, you have three goals:
- Make sure people always have problems with their network
- Make sure people’s bank apps frustrate them five times before working
- Drink up people’s data every two days.
Shege: Why is my own more than the others?
Femi: Have you heard your name? Shege. Your job is to constantly put people in extreme and unpleasant situations. Besides, you’re not doing it alone. You all have team members working. You can do this.
Shege: Na wa. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, I guess.
Femi: Nigerian auntie, I need you to get as many Gen Z children into trouble with their parents this month. Report every single thing they do, down to what they post on social media. We need them annoyed and frustrated.
Nigerian auntie: Let’s goooo.
Femi: And as for me, my job is to break as many Edo women’s hearts as possible.
Semo: Ah! Edo women? Is that even possible?
Shege: Even me, I’m afraid of Edo women. Their own wickedness pass our own sef
Femi: It’s going to be tough, but no heartbreak is too big a challenge for Femi.
Shege: Can’t wait to hear about it at next month’s meeting.
Semo: Moving on. I’ll be addressing the setbacks. Our main setback is using manual brooms. They’re slow and barely work. We were supposed to buy electric brooms last month, but the dollar rate has gone so high, we can’t afford them.
Nigerian auntie: Honestly, Buhari is making things hard for us.
Femi: Please, make sure you vote during these elections o. Has everybody collected their PVCs?
*Everyone choruses yes*
Semo: Maybe next month we’ll be able to buy the electric brooms.
Village people: But even when we buy the brooms, where do we want to find fuel?
Semo: When the time comes, we’ll figure it out.
Shege: Okay, is there anything else we need to talk about?
*Everyone choruses no*
Shege: Alright then, the meeting is adjourned. Everyone fly back home fast before they notice you’re gone.
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