Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “Dealing With The Witchcraft In Your Father’s House”.
Pretty much the same thing self-proclaimed witch hunter and honourary Winchester-sister, Helen Ukpabio, promised to to do with this program.
The author starts the book saying that there is a strong umbilical cord attaching everyone in existence to their ancestors. He also says that the deeds of your father’s house (i.e wicked acts stemming from witchcraft) shape your destiny and that your lack of this knowledge is what causes you to suffer.
Translation: Japa’ing to another country won’t fix your problems because your problems are tethered to you.
Your problems confronting you after you’ve moved to Canada.
Ancestral Household Wickedness And Influence
This chapter tells the story of a guy named Kayode. The story starts with the line, “Even though Kayode knows the definition of peace, he has never in his life experienced it”. A line that, I can’t explain why, made me laugh like crazy. Kayode is brilliant and hopes to become a doctor someday but the chances of that happening are slim as hell because he’s written and failed both WAEC and NECO five times.
One year, Kayode refuses to register for either exam because he’s sick of failing. But in a fucking hilarious turn of events, he still receives F9 parallel results from both WAEC and NECO, even though he didn’t write the exams.
The next year, he registers for his WAEC at a “special centre” and finally passes. That doesn’t stop an F9 parallel result from coming alongside his actual result though.
If you think this made Kayode wonder if the people at WAEC and NECO were messing with him, it didn’t.
Kayode goes to university and has an even shittier time than he did in secondary school. (Missing exam scripts cause him to spend eight years in uni.). Failure to get a job after graduation leads to him returning to his village to work on his aunty’s farm. And just when you think his life can’t get any shittier, this happens:
Oh, it gets worse.
I haven’t seen a more unfortunate series of events since that Mexican telenovela, Maria La Del Barrio.
However, the man who almost turned Kayode into roadkill is a super Christian or something and has a Raven Baxter-style vision containing the reason why Kayode’s life has been straight up diarrhoea. It turns out that the day Kayode was born, his “glory” was stolen and “hung up on a tree in the world of darkness by the person who bathed him for the first time.”
The same aunty whose farm he worked on? Did she wreck his glory (hole) because she wanted free labour? Damn.
Dealing With The Evil Powers And Witchcraft Of Your Father’s House
There’s something to be said about how the author talks about pepper sellers and gatemen but I’m not going to say it.
This is followed by a super depressing paragraph about how the richest places on the planet are cemeteries because of “the millions of unused glories” left behind the dead. There’s also something about not entrusting your child’s care to just anyone because they may be Satanists looking to steal and/or destroy glories.
The battle line has been drawn?
The book finally delivers on its promise by revealing the secret to overcoming ancestral curses. The secret is…you guessed it…giving your life to Christ and submitting yourself to a super dramatic deliverance session.
There’s also a paragraph about sprinkling your children with the blood of Jesus if you don’t want their glories destroyed. And it’s like, I get what he’s saying but it also sounds hella creepy because he used the word “sprinkle”, making the instruction sound literal. The chapter ends with classic mother shaming.
Has The Ancestral Household Wickedness Manipulated Your Glory
This chapter lists out 20 ways the evil ones could be holding your glory (hole) hostage. Also, take this as the apology for the glory hole jokes I scattered around this article.
Why is no. 4 so specific?
People are out here stealing foreskins now??
The author lists no. 12 like he’s damn sure there’s a marine agent disguised as nurse/doctor at everyone’s birth.
Does no. 16 imply that people offer their glories as payment to sex workers?
The book ends with the prayer to be recited if you feel like your glory (hole) has been compromised.
Rod of fire. Lol
Until next week. ✌️
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.