Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Boxer Shorts and Singlets are very popular birthday gifts for men. This is an interesting phenomenon, especially when you consider that these items are originally underwear.
How do these items feel about being used as cheap birthday gift ideas? How do they deal with this newfound fame? Today on Interview With, Boxer Shorts and Singlet tell us all.
Zikoko: Hello, welcome to Interview With! It’s so good to have you here today.
Singlet: It’s good to see you too. But if I may ask, what are we doing here? Why did you call us into your office?
Boxer Shorts: Maybe a king was born today in their office.
Singlet: I doubt it. These Zikoko people are earning big money. If a king was born today, it’s not our type they will call.
Boxer Shorts: Oh please. Have you forgotten who we are?
Singlet: How can I? I’m just saying that if somebody’s son will be receiving us as a gift today, they would have bought wrapping paper to put us in.
Boxer Shorts: True, sha. Oya tell us, Mr. Zikoko, what are we doing here?
Zikoko: Allow me to first appreciate your presence in our interview room today…
Singlet: Shey you will talk fast abi you will not talk fast?
Boxer Shorts: Today is Friday, and we have many places to be. Many kings were born today, and we are going to be presented to them as gifts. So, if you waste our time, you don’t know which relationship you might scatter.
Zikoko: Oh really?
Singlet: The entire palace will crumble.
Zikoko: But who are these kings you speak of?
Boxer Shorts: Nigerian men. Specifically Nigerian men in relationships with Nigerian women.
Zikoko: Okay… How did they become kings?
Singlet: You didn’t hear it from me, but word on the streets is that Nigerian men are cheap.
Boxer Shorts: Ahan, put it nicely, abeg.
Singlet: Okay, okay. Word on the streets is that Nigerian men are low maintenance.
Boxer Shorts: Haba. That’s harsh. The interviewer is a man too oh.
Singlet: How else do you want me to say it?
Zikoko: Don’t worry. I am trained to not pick offense on this job. Say it anyhow.
Singlet: Okay, I have found the right way to put it.
Boxer Shorts: Give it to us.
Singlet: Word on the streets is that Nigerian men are grandmasters of giving a lot and receiving very little in return.
Zikoko: Does this also apply to the men who can make women orgasm?
Boxer Shorts: They usually remove us before they do that kind of thing, so we really cannot speak to that area.
Zikoko: Alright, alright. Singlet, please continue.
Singlet: So, on their girlfriends birthday, Nigerian men will rent saxophone, send money, order cake and even give birthday sex.
Zikoko: In this same Nigeria that we are in?
Boxer Shorts: I’m telling you!
Singlet: Anyway, when it’s time for the man’s birthday, the girlfriend buys me and Boxer Shorts, puts us in a wrapping paper and sends to her boyfriend with the note, “A king was born today. How can I even begin to celebrate you.”
Zikoko: Wow. That’s bad oh.
Singlet: Same thing we said when we heard it.
Zikoko: But how did you two come to be roped into this kind of shady business?
Boxer Shorts: Shebi we were kuku on our own when they dragged us into it. It started like a joke oh. And then one Valentine’s Day like that, this lady came and picked us up. She added handkerchief, one roll on and a greeting card that she wrote, “What can you give to a man who has everything? Please appreciate this as a token of my love for you”. Next thing, we found ourselves in the boyfriend’s house.
Singlet: We even thought the boyfriend would reject us, but he didn’t.
Boxer Shorts: You should have seen the way this man rushed to tear our nylon and put us on. Later when we heard that he took the girl out to a restaurant for Valentine’s dinner, we wanted to scream.
Zikoko: Scream about what?
Singlet: Why are men so cheap?
Boxer Shorts: The bar is very low. See ehn, this lady did not even pick quality. She chose Tommy Hilfiger boxer and BYC singlet. Aunty, look at 3-in-1 LUX singlets nau. Look at 3-in-1 GUCCI briefs in front of you.
Singlet: And because the man did not complain, when his birthday came, she went and bought him the same thing.
Boxer Shorts: And still had the guts to tweet “A king was born today.” May the king’s palace burn down.
Zikoko: Ahan, why the curse?
Singlet: Please let us curse. We deserve to. Do you want to know why?
Zikoko: Tell me.
Boxer Shorts: Nigerian men deserve all the singlets and boxer shorts they get. Some of them kuku don’t bother washing us.
Zikoko: Um, that’s TMI.
Zikoko: No, Too Much Information.
Boxer Shorts: Oh, so Nigerian men do know there is something called Too Much Wearing? You better talk to them. How can a man wear me for three days without washing me? And when he removes me and I think I am finally going to stop inhaling stale pubic hair, you know what he does next?
Zikoko: You tell me.
Boxer Shorts: THIS MAN TURNED ME INSIDE OUT AND WORE ME FOR ANOTHER THREE DAYS.
Boxer Shorts: Some of them like to keep the Boxers Shorts on and remove their—
Zikoko: Alright, let’s keep it moving.
Singlet: Don’t move anything, please. I have not spoken.
Zikoko: Even you? What did Nigerian men do to you?
Singlet: I want to clarify that it’s not all Nigerian men oh.
Zikoko: Alright. #NotAllMen.
Singlet: I just want them to let me rest. These men will wear me till I slacken and change colour. And even then, they still won’t let me go. When their girlfriends ask for shoe rags, they offer me to them. A whole me? Ah, I have suffered.
Boxer Shorts: It is why these men are eager to accept singlet and boxer shorts from their girlfriends. They know they don’t wash us properly. “A king was born today” is an opportunity for them to renew their stash.
Singlet: I am actually sick of it.
Zikoko: I hope men do better.
Boxer Shorts: And women too! Let them step up their game and be intentional.
Zikoko: The Intentional Ones Are Not Yet Born.
Singlet: Ayi Kwei Armah was found shaking. Tell Wole Soyinka to hold his afro or we’re coming for it next.
Boxer Shorts: Please come off it oh. Intentional women are everywhere. Was it not you people that published the story of the lady that bought her boyfriend popcorn, zobo and puff-puff for his birthday?
Zikoko: Is it this article: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About The Best Dates They’ve Been On?
Boxer Shorts: Yes, that one. Didn’t the guy say it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him?
Zikoko: I see… So, are you now saying popcorn, zobo and puff-puff is what Nigerian men want?
Singlet: You are a Nigerian man. What do you want?
Zikoko: I want—
Boxer Shorts: Answer that by yourself, abeg. Or you can tell your partner. We have to go now. Another king has been born today.
[Boxer Shorts drags Singlet out]
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