Year after year, you start January in the gym with ginger and vim to look like a Marvel avenger. And year after year, you disappear from the gym before February even starts booting. Yes, we know all of you.
As Zikoko’s resident gym bro, I’m here to take these shackles off your feet so you can
dance squat. Follow these tips if you’re tired of living a fake gym life and ready to achieve your fitness goals for real.
Marry your trainer or the owner of the gym
Why adopt the fitfam life when you can literally marry into it. If paying money isn’t enough of a commitment to keep you in the gym, then getting married to someone who works there will motivate you to take it seriously this year. After all, a couple that gyms together can break both spiritual and physical yokes against your fitness goals. Amen?
Find a babalawo to bury your destiny under the gym
Motivation is sweet, but using juju is sweeter. Find the closest babalawo, preferably one who works out (so he can have perspective), and get him to put your destiny in a groundnut bottle you can bury at your gym. This way, the gym will be on your mind 24/7.
Pay for a whole year
Will you run away from the gym after paying for a whole year? I doubt it. Even if you don’t spend the entire year on the treadmill, that debit alert will haunt and ginger you to spend at least three months in the gym.
Break up with your lover today
No amount of pre-workout, energy drinks or coffee will fuel your workout like severe heartbreak. The pain of leaving a relationship for the confusion and stress of the streets will have you at the gym at 6 a.m. squatting 220 kg with nary a belt in sight.
Last last, na everybody go chop breakfast, so why not speed up your own breakfast for the greater good.
Start a part-time job as a bouncer
The reason you’re not taking the gym seriously is because it’s not part of your job requirements. Didn’t we all learn how to navigate Zoom, Airtable and Notion during the pandemic? One way to commit to the gym this year is by starting a job that requires you to be there 24/7. Have you seen a bouncer without bulging muscles? Neither have I. Do with that information what you will.
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Think of all the bed-breaking sex you’ll have
Research has it that people who work out last longer in bed. Yes, this is the one I knew you’d like. If you want marathon sex, you must be prepared to run a marathon on the treadmill first. You can’t reap where you didn’t sow.
Quit your job
If you’re always complaining about your job holding you back from living your best fitfam life, then it’s time to quit. Yes, you might be broke and start begging for money on the streets, but at least you’ll be consistent in the gym. My dear, a win is a win.
Find a house close to the gym
Why is your gym two buses and a donkey ride away from where you live? See, to excel at this gym thing, you need to live opposite, beside, adjacent, under or on top of a gym. It doesn’t matter what position you take in this arrangement. Please, just be close to the gym.
Go for deliverance
Once again, what God cannot do does not exist. The spirit of abandoning the gym can be broken by some Goya oil and a little dry fast. Go to Shiloh if you must.
Just move into the gym
If you’ve tried everything else on this list and nothing stuck, then my dear, I believe it’s time to try something extreme. But not to worry, I have this one final tip. You can’t escape the Smith machine or dumbbells when they’re your roommates. Give this some serious thought.
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