Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
A lot of people accuse Zikoko writers of taking cocaine and crack, so I decided to reach out to Cocaine, to see if it would be interested in giving a statement that would clear us of such accusations.
But during the course of our interview, Cocaine dropped a major bombshell about its relationship with Abuja people, and I knew I had to sit up and pay attention.
Zikoko: Hello, Cocaine.
Please, don’t be shy.
Shy? Me I’m not shy oh. I just said let me survey my environment first.
Don’t worry, NDLEA cannot find us here.
Alright. So why did you ask me to come?
First of all, a lot of people are under the impression that we use you in this office…
Use me, cocaine?
At first, we took it as a joke.
As you should. Everybody keeps denying me.
But then people started to see us as cocaine addicts, so we had to show them what really happens in the Zikoko office.
Cool. Did the accusations stop?
See ehn, people took it to the next level.
My goodness. Why are Nigerians like this?
They started accusing us of taking something more serious than you.
And what would that be?
Um, sorry, did you just refer to Crack as my senior?
You are a novice. Crack is my younger sister. We might look alike, but we are not mates — not in value or influence. Please, don’t ask me to tell you more.
Why are you acting shocked? Don’t you have Abuja people working in your office?
I don’t get. What is that supposed to mean?
Abuja people are my regular customers nau. In fact, Abuja is where I’m based. You didn’t know?
Look at you. Anyway, I don’t blame you. Abuja people are trying to hide my existence. They are trying to pretend that we are not in a relationship with each other.
Does this mean it is a one-sided relationship?
What do you mean ‘one-sided’?
I mean, are Abuja people actually in a relationship with you, or is this just in your head?
Are you interviewing me or is it just in your head?
I am interviewing you.
Good, that’s how certain I am of my relationship with Abuja people. It’s not in my head. It is real. I know true love when I see it. They spend their happy moments with me. Their sad ones too.
Look, Abuja people do not casually organise house parties because they want to see their friends’ faces. They do it as an opportunity to celebrate me, their one true love.
You don’t believe me? Smuggle your way into an Abuja house party today and see if they will not include cocaine in your small chops package.
Let me tell you, I have experienced love in the hands of white people, but the love from Abuja people hits different. These people incorporate me into their daily lives.
If they had their way, they would even sprinkle me on food.
So why are you complaining that they are trying to pretend you don’t exist?
They are. Our relationship is a secret one, but you Internet people won’t shut up about it. Every day, Abuja people and Cocaine, Abuja people and Cocaine. Are they the first to use me?
The problem with these posts is that people in other states are inclined to believe that when you enter Abuja, the breeze that hits you is laced with a whiff of cocaine. I mean, we love each other, but it’s not that deep.
If you ask anybody what Abuja is known for; if they mention three things, best believe that cocaine is one of them. And really, this is bad PR for—
Hold on, let me text somebody to confirm.
You see what I’m saying?
Nowadays, if someone posts something about Abuja people using me, you will see Abuja people actively denying me under that post.
Y’all have successfully bullied Abuja people into becoming ashamed of me. We have a beautiful thing. I wish they would just give a middle-finger to the naysayers and tell the world that they are in love with me.
Stigmatisation? Arrest? I mean, you are illegal in this country, after all.
Do your politicians know that?
Wait a minute. Do you mean—
Yes, I mean it.
But why didn’t you speak up? Were you silent or were you silenced?
Both. I was silent because of my nature. I know how dangerous I am, all the things I am capable of. Because of this nature, I was silenced by the law too. All my life, I have been loved in secret, shamefully. And so when I found comfort in the nostrils of Abuja people, I thought I had found my home.
But look at me today, about to lose my lovers. [Cocaine breaks down in tears].
I’m so sorry. That must hurt.
[Cocaine stops crying]. Thanks for your kindness. Should I enter your nose small?
Ah. Abeg oh.We just met now.
You see? [Cocaine starts crying again].
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