It’s been a week since payday, and I’ve spent every day since then looking at my account balance, trying to figure out where my monthly reward for capitalism went. I have no idea what happened to it. And if you’re anything like me, you don’t remember what happened to yours either. If you’re being sincere, you’re definitely one of these seven babes when money hits your account.
1. The remote worker hopping cafes
Remote work is great until you realise that you’ve convinced yourself that you need a change of environment every other week to focus. The next thing you know, you’re clocking in 9-5 every day at yet another bougie cafe, buying a thimble of coffee for ₦6702. That’s an average of ₦180k by the end of the month on caffeine water alone.
Is that really the life you signed up for?
2. The gym babe who’s really deceiving herself, not us
You won’t let us see road on Snapchat with your “grass smoothies and avocado porridge for breakfast” posts. You have all the equipment and impractical gym wear for working out. Be honest, though. How many times have you actually worked out?
You’re spending your life savings buying stylish workout clothes and also have a gym membership that keeps getting automatically renewed every month. What’s going on, girl? Start off with a skipping rope, and work your way up to the gym, okay?
3. The enjoyment minister
You’re the designated enjoyment minister and sugar mummy who is always down for a good time. You deserve the title of Pasta Queen because of the small fortune you spend on Lagos restaurant bolognese every month. Your mantra is “YOLO,” and you keep screaming it every chance you get, but deep down, you know it’ll end in tears.
4. Dora the explorer
You’re always on the move. Any small thing, you’ve posted, “Catch flights, not feelings.” This is where all your money goes. If there’s any small stress in life, we can’t even console you because you’ll already be on a plane to your next destination and there’s no network. Well done, ma.
5. The boss babe with a huge wardrobe
You’re the 9-5 babe with power suits in every colour. Kate Henshaw’s character in Blood Sisters has nothing on you when it comes to insane outfits. The number of bags in your wardrobe can probably fund someone’s election campaign. You never fail to be the hottest in a room, but you have to admit that you have a huge shopping problem. For the love of God, get help before you end up homeless.
6. The bone-straight mama
You were Todrick Hall’s muse when he wrote his hit song, Wig. There’s no wig you don’t own, and I’m lowkey here for it. But also, are you possessed? How many bone-straight wigs can you own? Once money hits your account, you’ll start attacking Instagram wig vendors left and right.. Please, rest.
7. The aspiring chef
If you’re not baking, you’re experimenting with a new recipe you saw on Youtube. Your middle name should be “Plenty Spice” because tell me why you have Himalayan rock salt and oregano in your kitchen. Your dream is to host a revival of Maggi Family Menu. Sisi Yemmie no do pass you.
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