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(Part one is over here)

Ever since President Buhari submitted the ‘ministerial’ list for approval on July 23rd, some of Nigeria’s foremost officials have been participating in what has been tagged a ‘ministerial’ screening. This is despite there being no portfolios to back their supposed ‘ministerial’ appointments. Hmm.

Haven watched enough footage from the‘screenings’ and taking note of the amount of times nominees were told to ‘take a bow’, we are 99.9% certain of what this procedure really is ⁠ — group rehearsals, for when Buhari finally relocates with his cabinet to the UK, and they have to do that little bow upon meeting the queen.

So, what does it mean to ‘take a bow’?

We see you Ahmed Fenty.

As a sign of respect during the ministerial screenings, the Senate rule book exempts individuals who have served in both chambers of the National Assembly from answering questions to test their abilities. This is because they are believed capable to handle ministerial duties, having held tasking roles in the past. Instead, they are simply told to ‘take a bow’ before their peers and to leave the chamber.

During the screening, a total of 24 out of the 43 nominees were asked to take a bow. This includes Chris Ngige, George Akume, Tayo Alasoadura, Baba Shehuri and Timipre Sylva to name a few, all of whom had understandably served as senators in the past.

Confusingly, however, this privilege was extended to nominees yet to serve in the National Assembly.

A look at some of the interesting reasons nominees were asked to take a bow:

Sharon Ikeazor: For being a woman.

Ramatu Tijani: Same dumbass reason as above.

Adeniyi Adebayo: Former governor and respected leader of the APC

Abubakar Lawal: I wish I was making this up. Lawal was asked to take a bow for ‘being loyal’, despite having only served as deputy governor of Yobe State.

Muhammadu Bello: A former Minister of the FCT, he asked to be exempted, for being a member of the National Assembly ‘by association’.

Rotimi Amaechi: For being speaker of the Rivers State House of Assembly.

Saleh Mamaan: The senators were tired of screening Buhari’s ministerial nominees.

Are you even allowed to be tired at a 13.5m monthly salary? Genuinely asking here.

Welp! Guess We’re Stuck Now.

On July 23rd, despite having no portfolio to work with, the Nigerian senate confirmed all 43 ministerial nominees. Since it’s Buhari’s world and we’re all just living in it, our president has disclosed that the portfolio of his cabinet will be made public, after their inauguration.

2. Quick! What do you prescribe an incredibly deluded government?

And does it come in a super shot? Because we don’t understand what Nigeria has been sipping this past week.

A look at what made the rounds:

The APC is blaming Atiku for trying to take over President Buhari’s job.

I want to give you 10 guesses why they’re making this accusation, but you’ll never get it.

It’s simply because Alhaji Atiku Abubakar, pro-instagrammer and Nigeria’s former Vice-president, dared to congratulate Boris Johnson on emerging the UK’s Prime Minister.

Bruh, they were so pressed they released a statement to vent, which included such heavy statements as: “Alh. Atiku’s continuous portrayal of himself as a shadow president under our system borders on felony and makes him a patent impostor.” and “We expect Alh. Atiku to quickly address himself to the stark reality of his loss and move on.” Ouch.

Breathe APC, it is just a congratulatory message, okay?

Elisha Abbo got appointed as deputy chairman of Navy Committee.

Further proof that this government is off its rocker, the Nigerian Senator caught on tape assaulting a woman in a sex shop. Who also lost his temper at a disciplinary committee to hear the stated offence ⁠ — is somehow getting rewarded for his actions, following his appointment by the senate, to serve as deputy chairman of the Senate Committee on Navy. He won an award for being an ‘Icon of Democracy’ too. Wondafu.

But the worst part:

Three days after Boko Haram Kills 60 mourners, the presidency insists the sect is defeated.

Only three days after a funeral procession in Borno State was tragically attacked, killing 60 people, the presidency released a statement, signed by the presidential spokesperson, Garba Shehu.

According to the presidency, “The real Boko Haram has been defeated,” and only remnants of Boko Haram (?) and other fugitives remain.

This statement was made in review of ten years of the insurgency. It is not the first time the government will allege that the sect has been defeated.

3. Got milk?

No seriously, do you locally produce milk? The CBN would like to know.

Following talk that the CBN will be banning the importation of milk, our Central Bank did the very millennial thing and released a tweet on their milk importation stance. According to the statement, the CBN will not be banning the importation of milk, but will instead restrict the sale of forex for the importation of milk. This is because of the CBN’s belief that Nigeria has enough resources to produce milk.

But is that all there is to it?

While the CBN would like to have you believe that, a number of Nigerians aren’t too sure of their intentions. For one thing, why the focus on milk? The CBN stated that Nigerians have for 60 years been subjected to undue spending for importing milk, and only last year, spent about $1.5 billion importing milk. But what about livestock, where ₦1.65 trillion was spent on import in 2017, despite having a comparative advantage to locally source them. Or even oil? Despite being an oil-producing state, Nigeria spent a whopping ₦2.95 trillion, importing oil in 2018.

Nigerians believe the ban on providing forex to import milk will cause the price of milk to spike, especially considering Nigerians consume an estimated 1.7 million tonnes of milk annually, and can only locally produce 34% of the required need. This will most likely cause untold hardship to the poor.

If the policy comes to stay, milk will become the 44th item to be added by the CBN to the list of commodities restricted from accessing Forex at the official rate.

Yay, you made it to the end. But this isn’t all of the dispatch.


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