Anybody Have Buhari’s Phone Number? We Have Some Questions About 2015.

I miss 2015. Back then, my biggest problems were deciding my parental finesse of the month, deciding what classes I’d grace with my presence or losing my mind over what colour this dress is (blue and black ftw!).

2015 was also the year Nigerians were taken for a jolly good ride by the man we now call President. Back in 2015, Buhari, decked in a suit and Hi-fiving his adorable grandchild made a couple of promises that seemed too good to be true, and that’s probably because they were.

The dreams we got sold were so sweet, it’s 2019 and I’m still throwing away salute. That’s by the way — a promise is a promise is a promise, so we have a few questions to ask our dear president, especially with elections coming up in only a couple of weeks:


Did you lose our 5k in the mail?

Back in 2015, Buhari promised Nigeria’s unemployed youth a monthly stipend of 5 000 each.

And while yes, ₦5 000 probably won’t go very far in these trying times of 100 Gala, it was a grand idea, so we waited for him to come through.

And wait we did. On a trip to Saudi Arabia in 2016, Buhari relayed an epiphany that very sadly escaped him in 2015. The ₦5000 stipend would be better utilised for infrastructure, so LOL… sorry to everyone expecting money.

By the end of 2016, the government had a change of heart and decided to in fact disburse the ₦5 000 to Nigeria’s poorest.

The question is, where is my 5k? And no way I don’t qualify. I may or may not have chugged Garri and groundnut without water for a week in 2017, and it’s not because I enjoy being choked.


The Post-NYSC salary, how far?

This was one of my favourite promises of 2015. After suffering through CDS and monthly clearances, a shining light awaited if a job wasn’t immediately available.

A whole year’s salary while you got your shit together coupled with enrollment in a vocational school — all on the government’s tab. How very thoughtful.

Anyway, we’re sure he only forgot about this, somebody please make sure he sees this to maybe jog his memory.


Good job on the school feeding programme, but can Lagos get a little love?

The president promised a free meal with fruit for primary school students, and from all indications, it has been moderately successful in some states of the federation.

Over 7.4 million students currently benefit from the programme. While there are confirmed bottlenecks, the programme is a work-in-progress, and has increased school enrollment, so that’s great.

However, the programme currently caters to only students from Basic 1-3, leaving those in nursery classes and grades 4-6 in the dark. Plus, it’s only available in 24 states. Can the others, Lagos included get a little love?


Still sure about this?

I mean, it’s 2019 and we’re still getting headlines like this.


Do you remember saying you’d create 3 million jobs annually? Because we do.

Even though the Minister of Labour – Mr Chris Ngige will have us believe 7 million jobs were created between 2015 and 2017, the actual figures are less, way less.

Since the assumption of office, up until 2017, the Presidency has been responsible for the creation of only 2.8 million jobs. A far cry from the 6 million jobs we were promised for two years.

Plus unemployment rates are doing a madness, and reached a worrying 23.1% by the third quarter of 2018.

See how sweet mouth can be a problem?


In 2019, it’s a little okay. Or what do you feel, Bubu?

Back in 2015, when we had no idea how good the Dollar rate we were enjoying was, the APC made it apparent that ₦216 to a Dollar was not a figure to get accustomed to.

We should have listened and maybe voted another way. But somehow we were under the impression that they meant to reduce and not nearly double the exchange rates.

Na we fuck up when you think about it.