Stew is on his way back home exhausted after long board meetings with tomato, pepper and onions. He can’t wait to get back to his wife, white rice, who decided to work from home today.
He gets home, unlocks the door, and the first thing he sees when he enters is his wife on the dining table with Egusi on top of her.
Stew: W—what’s going on?
White rice: Babe, it’s not what it looks like. I swear!
Stew: Of course, you’ll use the standard cheating line.
White rice: I’m not cheating, babe. It’s really not what it looks like.
*Egusi just sits there looking smug.*
Stew: I can’t- I can’t do this. *Stew storms out of the house and drives off*
White rice to Egusi: Why are you just sitting there? Why didn’t you tell him the truth?
Egusi: What truth? That I finally got the girl I wanted?
White rice: Are you mad?
Egusi: White rice, you know I’ve wanted you for a long time. And I always thought you deserved better than boring ass stew.
*White rice looks at Egusi like she wants to slap the hell out of him.*
Egusi: I don’t even understand why you’re upset. The way he reacted without giving you the chance to explain shows he clearly doesn’t trust you.
White rice: Anybody would react the same way after seeing someone on top of their partner.
Egusi: I wouldn’t have. And that’s why you should be with me?
White rice: Are you okay? Aren’t you dating eba?
Egusi: Forget about that. That’s not important.
White rice: Now. I see why pounded yam broke up with you. Mscheeew
*Egusi tries to hold White rice’s hand but she pulls it away*
Egusi: White rice, you and I are meant to be, and you know this. People outside say we’re a bad combination, but I disagree. We go perfectly together. Fuck what anybody else says.
*White rice looks at Egusi with irritation.*
White rice: You’re just saying rubbish. Please, leave my house.
Egusi: But we haven’t finished —
White rice: Get out!
It’s the middle of the night. White rice is sleeping in the living room when she hears a rustling of keys and realises it must be stew coming back home. She hopes to God he has calmed down.
Stew unlocks the door. When he walks in, it’s clear he’s been drinking palm oil, way too much of it.
White rice walks over to help him before he hurts himself. There goes the conversation she wanted to have with him tonight.
Stew: You hurt me *in a slurred voice*
White rice: I promise you I didn’t, baby. But we’ll talk about it tomorrow.
Stew: Tomorrow, I’m moving out.
*White rice drops him on the bed*
White rice: You’re not going anywhere in Jesus’ name. This was all a misunderstanding and we’ll sort it—
She hears some snoring and realises Stew is fast asleep.
She sighs and begins to take off his shoes and pants.
White rice is sitting up in bed using her phone when she hears Stew groan beside her.
White rice: Good morning, ba-
Stew: You’re texting Egusi, abi?
White rice: What? Okay, time to put all of this to an end. I need you to not say anything while I talk, okay?
*Stew rolls his eyes*
White rice: You know how this brand called Zikoko is always pushing the agenda that people should eat me and Egusi together?
Stew: Oh, I should answer? You said I shouldn’t talk na. Okay. Yes, I know.
White rice: So they reached out to me and asked if I’d take a picture with Egusi for one of their articles. They offered to pay a huge sum of money, and since we’re trying to japa, I agreed.
Stew: If so, why didn’t you take the picture side by side?
Egusi: Because they wanted to show that Egusi and I really belonged together. If we didn’t do it like that, they wouldn’t have paid. I can show you the email. I’m not lying, babe. And we weren’t even naked. I’d only been parboiled, and Egusi wasn’t completely done.
Stew stares into his wife’s eyes and sees she’s actually telling the truth.
Stew: I’m sorry I didn’t give you the chance to explain, babe.
White rice: I completely understand. You owe me extra meat for the stress sha.
And they lived happily ever after.