Just Imagine: Bukka, Restaurant and Eatery Try to Get into Heaven 

January 25, 2023

Bukka, Restaurant and Eatery have died. In the afterlife, they go before the god of enjoyment to make a case for why they should go to heaven.  

Enjoyment: Angel Chukwudi, who’s going first?

Angel Chukwudi: My Lord, Bukka is going first.

*Bukka comes forward*

*Enjoyment opens a scroll containing everything about the life Bukka lived on earth*

Enjoyment: Bukka, during your time on earth, you:

– Sold food in nylon bags  

– Cut meat into tiny pieces and sold each for ₦50 

– Gave people running stomach because of unsanitary cooking conditions 

– Were always rude and put sweat in people’s foods

 – Almost always killed people with heat

Why should I let you into heaven?

Bukka: Oh god of enjoyment, praise be unto thee. As you know, I was solely created to feed the masses, and I believe I did my job very well. I didn’t serve everyone food in nylons; only those who didn’t bring their plates or want to pay for my takeaway packs. Takeaway packs are expensive, so I couldn’t just give them out for free. I needed to make money for my business. About the food poisoning, it’s only people with weak-ass stomachs that got sick. My people on the streets stood strong. 

Enjoyment: Ah, Bukka!

Bukka: Yes, my god. It’s true nau. I’m sorry for the unsanitary conditions. Some were out of my control, and others, I should’ve properly taken care of. As for the rude, sweaty servers, ahn ahn, you know it’s part of the ingredients that make the food sweet nau. I wouldn’t be called a Bukka if not for those two major items. And also, I used to give people regular-sized meat before, but when Buhari started showing us shege and the economy became tough, I had to start cutting the meat into two. 

Enjoyment: Hmm

Bukka: My god, I saved lives by providing plenty food at cheap prices. No matter how tough the economy became, I didn’t change much. I was there making sure people ate always. 

Enjoyment: Okay, I’ve heard you. Move one side. Who’s next?

Angel Chukwudi: Restaurant, my Lord.

*Restaurant walks to Enjoyment’s throne*

Enjoyment: *Reading from his scroll* Restaurant, you committed two major sins that make me want to send you to hell without even hearing you out: 

– Charging people ridiculous amounts of money for tiny food that hardly ever tasted nice. How do you put one tablespoon of rice and one teaspoon of sauce and charge ₦20k for it? I shouldn’t allow you into heaven no matter what you say. 

– Always wasting people’s time before serving their food. Why did people have to wait 45 minutes for you to cook the tiny portions of food?  

Honestly, why should I send you to heaven?

Restaurant: Oh Lord of Enjoyment, I hail thee. My Lord, you know I was created for the high-class people, people rich enough to afford me…

Enjoyment: So high-class people didn’t deserve to eat? They always went back home to eat eba. 

Restaurant: They deserved to eat, and that’s why they always had the chance to order more…

Enjoyment: With those prices?

Restaurant: My king, you’re not letting me explain myself. 

Enjoyment: Because you were a thief. You made people pay your expensive rent in the name of food. 

Restaurant: I was an experience. People didn’t just come to me for food but also for my ambience and aesthetics which allowed people to take beautiful Instagram reels and pictures. I kept influencers and food bloggers in business because they used me to create content. And just like Bukka fed the masses, I fed the rich people. It’s the same thing. 

Enjoyment: Sigh. Move to the side. Who’s next?

Angel Bimbo: Eatery, my Lord. 

Enjoyment: Where’s Chukwudi?

Angel Bimbo: He went to check why Bistro hasn’t gotten here yet.

Enjoyment: Oh that wasn’t a Bistro. It was just another restaurant calling himself a Bistro. He didn’t even know the meaning of the name. 

Angel Bimbo: Thank you for clarifying, my lord. Eatery, you’re next. 

*Eatery walks forward*

Enjoyment: Eatery, I don’t think you have to make a case. You did well. You sold decent food and had clean conditions, except when it came to your toilets. You even entertained people with the latest music videos — and sometimes, football matches — round-the-clock. Then, you had mostly nice workers and gave us perfect inventions like Chickwizz. You weren’t bad at all. You’ll make heaven.

Eatery: Oh god of enjoyment, thank you so much. Thank you.

Enjoyment: Bukka and Restaurant, come forward. 

Bukka, you did good work on earth by giving my people cheap food. They could come to you with just 1k, and they’d eat well. Because of this, I’ll let you into heaven.

Bukka: Thank you so much, my king and god. 

Enjoyment: Restaurant, you detty liar. You live a fake life, and I’m not letting you into heaven. 

Fine Dining: Ah, god of Enjoyment. Please, don’t do this to me *He starts to cry* Please, hear me out. 

Enjoyment: Take him away!

ALSO READ: POV: White Rice Cheats on Stew With Egusi

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