Bukka, Restaurant and Eatery have died. In the afterlife, they go before the god of enjoyment to make a case for why they should go to heaven.
Enjoyment: Angel Chukwudi, who’s going first?
Angel Chukwudi: My Lord, Bukka is going first.
*Bukka comes forward*
*Enjoyment opens a scroll containing everything about the life Bukka lived on earth*
Enjoyment: Bukka, during your time on earth, you:
– Sold food in nylon bags
– Cut meat into tiny pieces and sold each for ₦50
– Gave people running stomach because of unsanitary cooking conditions
– Were always rude and put sweat in people’s foods
– Almost always killed people with heat
Why should I let you into heaven?
Bukka: Oh god of enjoyment, praise be unto thee. As you know, I was solely created to feed the masses, and I believe I did my job very well. I didn’t serve everyone food in nylons; only those who didn’t bring their plates or want to pay for my takeaway packs. Takeaway packs are expensive, so I couldn’t just give them out for free. I needed to make money for my business. About the food poisoning, it’s only people with weak-ass stomachs that got sick. My people on the streets stood strong.
Enjoyment: Ah, Bukka!
Bukka: Yes, my god. It’s true nau. I’m sorry for the unsanitary conditions. Some were out of my control, and others, I should’ve properly taken care of. As for the rude, sweaty servers, ahn ahn, you know it’s part of the ingredients that make the food sweet nau. I wouldn’t be called a Bukka if not for those two major items. And also, I used to give people regular-sized meat before, but when Buhari started showing us shege and the economy became tough, I had to start cutting the meat into two.
Bukka: My god, I saved lives by providing plenty food at cheap prices. No matter how tough the economy became, I didn’t change much. I was there making sure people ate always.
Enjoyment: Okay, I’ve heard you. Move one side. Who’s next?
Angel Chukwudi: Restaurant, my Lord.
*Restaurant walks to Enjoyment’s throne*
Enjoyment: *Reading from his scroll* Restaurant, you committed two major sins that make me want to send you to hell without even hearing you out:
– Charging people ridiculous amounts of money for tiny food that hardly ever tasted nice. How do you put one tablespoon of rice and one teaspoon of sauce and charge ₦20k for it? I shouldn’t allow you into heaven no matter what you say.
– Always wasting people’s time before serving their food. Why did people have to wait 45 minutes for you to cook the tiny portions of food?
Honestly, why should I send you to heaven?
Restaurant: Oh Lord of Enjoyment, I hail thee. My Lord, you know I was created for the high-class people, people rich enough to afford me…
Enjoyment: So high-class people didn’t deserve to eat? They always went back home to eat eba.
Restaurant: They deserved to eat, and that’s why they always had the chance to order more…
Enjoyment: With those prices?
Restaurant: My king, you’re not letting me explain myself.
Enjoyment: Because you were a thief. You made people pay your expensive rent in the name of food.
Restaurant: I was an experience. People didn’t just come to me for food but also for my ambience and aesthetics which allowed people to take beautiful Instagram reels and pictures. I kept influencers and food bloggers in business because they used me to create content. And just like Bukka fed the masses, I fed the rich people. It’s the same thing.
Enjoyment: Sigh. Move to the side. Who’s next?
Angel Bimbo: Eatery, my Lord.
Enjoyment: Where’s Chukwudi?
Angel Bimbo: He went to check why Bistro hasn’t gotten here yet.
Enjoyment: Oh that wasn’t a Bistro. It was just another restaurant calling himself a Bistro. He didn’t even know the meaning of the name.
Angel Bimbo: Thank you for clarifying, my lord. Eatery, you’re next.
*Eatery walks forward*
Enjoyment: Eatery, I don’t think you have to make a case. You did well. You sold decent food and had clean conditions, except when it came to your toilets. You even entertained people with the latest music videos — and sometimes, football matches — round-the-clock. Then, you had mostly nice workers and gave us perfect inventions like Chickwizz. You weren’t bad at all. You’ll make heaven.
Eatery: Oh god of enjoyment, thank you so much. Thank you.
Enjoyment: Bukka and Restaurant, come forward.
Bukka, you did good work on earth by giving my people cheap food. They could come to you with just ₦1k, and they’d eat well. Because of this, I’ll let you into heaven.
Bukka: Thank you so much, my king and god.
Enjoyment: Restaurant, you detty liar. You live a fake life, and I’m not letting you into heaven.
Fine Dining: Ah, god of Enjoyment. Please, don’t do this to me *He starts to cry* Please, hear me out.
Enjoyment: Take him away!
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