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  • Our ears are assaulted with love songs all year long. But then, on Valentine’s Day, the airwaves reach insulting heights. So, here’s a playlist dedicated to people like you and me, who are dedicated to living our best lives as haters on valentine’s day.

    These are the songs you want to hear on February 14th if you can neither be with the one you love nor love the one you’re with.

    1. Still Your Best — Giveon 

    Giveon is 5’8 and an unrepentant cheat who acts like the victim in all his songs. Always singing up and down like he’s a good person. You need that energy on the 14th.

    2. Marvins Room — Drake 

    “Fuck that n**ga that you love so much,” is peak hater energy. Listen to this song while looking at pictures of your ex or the person you’re hating on, on February 14th. Don’t listen to the end sha, Drake got carried away at some point. Smh.

    3. Gravity — Brent Faiyaz

     I’m convinced there’s a Yoruba man in Brent Faiyaz. What does, “I don’t want you waiting too long, it’s too much to be your boyfriend,” even mean? 

    4. I Hate U — SZA

    Very self-explanatory. You hate them, simple and short. 

    5. Don’t call me — Lil Kesh x Zinoleesky

    “I’m so gee’d up my bro I’m sorry. If it’s not money don’t call me,” because love is obviously none of your business. You’re not being a hater sha, you’re prioritizing. 

    6. Crazy Tings —  Tems

    Love is obviously a crazy thing and people shouldn’t be doing it. Anyone who’s wasting time with love is obviously not normal. 

    7. Smokin Out The Window — Silk Sonic

    Even if you’ve not paid a former lover’s rent or busted your ass to save their life, you’ve probably done enough for them to feel like passing out anytime you remember the things you once did. This song’s for you.  

    8. Heartbreaker — Blaqbonez

    You can also moonlight as a toxic person while being a hater. Dip into your Blaqbonez energy and pick sex over love. 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCYCWpjZyZQ

    9. LEAVE ME ALONE — Amaarae 

    As you can see from the title, Amaarae is already shouting at you to leave her alone and that’s the same energy you’re going for on Valentine’s day.

     10. Your own thoughts and feelings

    Sit with your thoughts and ask yourself why you even let yourself catch feelings in the past. Why didn’t you just sit Sit with your thoughts and ask yourself why you even let yourself catch feelings in the past. Why didn’t you just sit down and eat your food? Another option is to think of creative ways to give lovers the middle finger. Think about it over and over till you come up with an album Drake would be proud of. 

    “How could I do such a mistake?”

  • Valentine’s Day is coming. And since it seems like single people are not included in the plans, here are eight important things you should do if you’re single on Valentine’s Day 

    1) Delete all social media apps 

    Every year, “me and mines” terrorise us from Easter, all through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Do you think they will not cause you pain, suffering and gnashing of teeth on the day allocated for the celebration of romance? Just delete all your social media apps, if not, whatever you see, take it like that. 

    2) Text your ex 

    If it could happen to Rihanna, it can happen to you. Text your ex and see where it leads you. Maybe your story can finally change and you’d do Happy Valentine’s Day 2023

    3) Steal people’s Valentine’s Day packages 

    Consider it reparations for all that they do. At least they can hold each other while you hold their gifts.

    4) Pray 

    Even if no one loves you, at least they’re always saying there’s someone “up there” that loves you. Open your heart and pray like you’ve never prayed before. 

    5) Sleep 

    If you can’t go on a date in the physical realm, might as well sleep so your the partner of your dreams can wine and dine with you. All hope is not lost, dear. 

    6) Check your blood pressure

    All the constant thinking and tensioning isn’t good for your heart. Since Valentine’s Day is commonly represented by a red heart, you might as well check and make sure it’s working properly. 

    7) Hustle

    Make money so that you can at least console yourself with the fact that your bank account is fatter than theirs. The money you’d have spent on Valentine’s, you can use it to buy stocks. Work smarter, not harder, or whatever it is they say. 

    8) Read Zikoko 

    No matter whether you’re single or taken, Zikoko dey for you. You don’t have to ask us; we’re already your Val. You can spend as many hours as you want with us on our website. 

    If you are not single and you need help planning a Valentine’s Day package for your partner, click here

    [donation]

  • Everyone thinks single people are suffering. Every time, they are asked to show their partners, as if there is no value to staying single. For those who want to know, here are 8 things you gain from being single:

    1. You get to chop your money by yourself.

    We Ranked The Best Old Nollywood Campus Queens | Zikoko!

    It’s just you, spending on yourself with no man or woman coming to drag it with you.

    2. No one steals your clothes.

    10 Times Aki And Paw-Paw Reminded Us Of Our Little Brothers | Zikoko!

    You can rest assured that your hoodies and cute t-shirts will remain just where you kept them.

    3. No one disturbs your sleep.

    THE RETURN OF UKWA PART 1 - NIGERIAN NOLLYWOOD MOVIE - YouTube

    You don’t have to wait for one person to sleep off before you sleep too. You sleep whenever you want and wake up whenever you want.

    4. No one steals your food.

    8 Nigerians Talk About Food Issues In Their Relationship | Zikoko!

    Whenever you go to a restaurant, you don’t have to worry about someone eating from your plate. You are your own competition, dear. Enjoy it.


    5. You can sleep with the whole world.

    If You Want To Last Up To 7 Hours In Bed, Read This | Zikoko!

    And there will be no one to hold you back.

    6. You don’t have to fight anybody for pressing the toothpaste from the middle.

    I CAN SEE: Nkem Owoh(aka osofia ):he Cannot Forgive Gen. Buha... | Actors, Nigerian, Comedy movies

    Unless you do it, so you have to fight yourself.

    7. You don’t have to buy two pieces of anything.

    6 Subtle Ways Your Phone Is Messing Up Your Life | Zikoko!

    Because it’s just you and you alone. Except you want the two items for yourself, sha.

    8. And last but not least, your orgasm is assured.

    QUIZ: What is your biggest weakness? | Pulse Nigeria

    You yourself will have to bring yourself to the pleasure land. And if you last one minute or thirty seconds, nobody is going to hold you or tweet about you. So, why no choose singleness today?

    If you are in a relationship, this one is for you:

    10 Ways To Make A Nigerian Woman Spend Her Money On You

    5 Money Lessons Every Nigerian Learned From Their Parents | Zikoko!
    Thank us later.

    [donation]

  • If you’ve ever asked a single person, “ Why are you single?“,  I hope your clothes get caught on the door handle when you’re in a bad mood and someone eats the food you were saving for later. If you are single, there is a 100% chance that you’ve been asked this question once or twice. The next time someone opens their mouth to ask why you are single, here are 10 perfect responses. 

    1. “When people look into my eyes they don’t see my waist.”

    If you don’t want stupid answers, don’t ask silly questions, period. 

    2. “I don’t have money.”

    Being in a relationship is expensive, abeg. You will save for date night, save for birthdays, save for anniversaries, save for valentine. God said increase and multiply, not save until you die on top someone that will run you street. 

    3. “Your daddy refused to date me.”

    If you truly want the person being questioned to stop being single, give them your daddy’s number. Since you like being in people’s business. 

    4. “I don’t have low standards.”

    If anyone asks you, “Why are you single” and you say this, they will respect their old age and mind their business. Must everybody date people that’ll embarrass them every day on Twitter? 

    5.  “Why are you obsessed with me?”

    E reach to ask. Do you want to date me? Why do you care about my being single? What do you have against my peace of mind? 

    6. “I don’t like sharing my food.”

    Not everyone wants to share their food for the rest of their life, some of us want to buy the cake, eat it alone and have it. Think of this next time before you ask someone “ Why are you single?”

    7. “We don’t date in my village.”

    What if I am the principalities and powers your mothers pray against? What if I’d steal your destiny if we date, are people not afraid anymore? 

    8.  “My kinks scare people.”

    It’s always “Why are you single?” and never “ I want to tie you up and hold a knife close to your neck”. If you didn’t want to know that, you wouldn’t have asked a stupid question. 

    9. “I eat Semo.”

    “Why are you single?” It’s because I eat semo. I am a cultist, the dating pool for people like me is tough okay. 

    10.  “I don’t have lower body strength.”

    All of you doing relationship things are energetic as fuck. Every day, a new sex position gets released unprovoked and you all want to kill someone’s child in the name of practising it, Abeg dear, just allow me to be single in peace and stop asking rubbish. 

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  • You should be cultured on any date, talk more of a first date. Just know you don’t deserve to go on another date if you do these things.

    Select all the things you do on a first date:

  • We can tell why you’re single from the movies you’ve seen. Try us:

    Select the movies you’ve seen:

  • Has anyone ever told you that the songs you know could determine your singleness? Well, we’re telling you now.

    Take the quiz:

    Select all the songs you know:

  • If up to 9 things here apply to you, we really hope you’re single. You deserve to be.

    Select all that apply to you:

  • There is being single, and there is being single to stupor. If up to 9 things here apply to you, you’re definitely the latter.

    Select all that apply to you:

  • Some people enjoy being in relationships while others enjoy being single. I asked Nigerian women the best thing about being single. Here’s what they had to say. 

    Jay, 20

    It is nice that I am single right now because I don’t have to overthink anything. If I was in a relationship, any little mood swing from my partner would be a cause for alarm. For me, being in a relationship for me is a distraction. I became more focused on my work and school after I left my last relationship. Also, it has helped me save money. I liked spending on my partners so I’m glad I am alone right now.

    Funmi, 22 

    Being single gives you the opportunity to pursue your dreams without reservations. It allows you to find your purpose. When you have a partner, you have to consider their feelings in your endeavours and if you are not resolute enough, you might lose your sense of identity. 

    Tobs, 27

    For me, it is getting to know myself and enjoying my own company. For someone who is still unlearning prioritising the male gaze and centring my life around romantic relationships, this is a breath of fresh air. It is hard — I get lonely and cry but ultimately, I’m loving being on my own. It is also nice not to have to spend your money on anyone but yourself, your friends and your family. 

    Plus I can sleep with anyone I want. I don’t enjoy sex with people I don’t have feelings for but it’s nice to be able to say fuck it, I’ll have sex with this person and not feel guilty because you’re cheating — I hate cheating. The dating pool isn’t that great, so I’d rather be on my own if there’s no value being added to my life.

    Ose, 20

    Being single is less of a burden for me. It’s harder to keep up with someone else on bad days. There is no extra responsibility when you are alone. Also, I can tell those monitoring spirits that keep asking when I am getting married that I am single and know I am not lying about it. 

    Don’t miss out on hot tea. Subscribe to the best newsletter for Nigerian women.

    Tosin, 24 

    I’ve been single for as long as forever, and it’s my choice.I don’t feel anyone should rush into anything until they are ready, mentally, emotionally, and physically. For me the best thing about being single is the freedom — I don’t have to answer to anybody for talking to someone else. I am my own person and I make my own decisions without having to make certain sacrifices for any significant other. It allows me to take adequate care of myself.

    [donation