Happy December! It’s that time of the year when people in relationships refuse to allow us breathe. Today, it’s weddings, tomorrow, anniversaries, and the next day, the TL is full of couples in matching pyjamas celebrating Christmas. Who even started that nonsense?
Also, Valentine’s Day is not far o. It’s going to be a looong couple of months for single people.
But Zikoko is here to save you.
Forget physical partners. They’ll cheat, annoy you, be around all the time, eat your food… should we go on? Spirit partners are the real deal. They won’t do any of the above, and they’ll even cook for you and wear matching pyjamas if you want.
How can you get one? Read below:
Don’t eat before you sleep
Think about it. If you go to bed with a full stomach, why should someone come and serve you premium spirit realm creamy pasta? Are you a glutton? A hungry belly is a proper invitation for the spiritual forces looking to cook for someone. Once you people go on your first dream date, you can take it from there.
Wear only red panties or boxers to bed
You and I know red is both the colour of love and the spiritual realm. So covering your kpekus or blokos with it as you go to bed is basically saying, “I’m ready and available. Pick me.” Works every time.
Don’t wear faded red o. Blood red.
Only use red bedsheets
Everywhere has to be red. Spirit wives and husbands don’t like any other colour. Don’t go looking for a spouse and end up annoying the gods. Let’s be careful.
Brush before you sleep
Imagine finally securing a spirit wife, and she leaves you because you have mouth odour. The way they’ll drag you on the “SpiritBabez 👻💅🏽” group chat, ehn?
If you’re desperate, sleep naked
The more desperate you are, the nakeder you should sleep. Make sure you rub powder on your face and spray perf — not cologne or perfume, perf. That’s how they like it. Don’t ask us how we know.
Leave your windows wide open
How do you want your otherworldly partner to enter your room if you lock your doors and windows? How?
Keep small money under your pillow before you sleep
Economy is hard. You have to leave something small under your pillow for transport and “thanks for coming”. Abi, don’t you do it for your physical partners? Do they have two heads?
Keep a bottle of hot schnapps and some kolanuts on your nightstand
Some might say you’re doing sacrifice. That’s their business. You’re just entertaining your guest. It’s the least you can do to show them love. Abi, were you not raised to feed your visitors?
Duvets? Never. Only use adieu papa wrappers as cover cloth
It just makes sense, let’s not lie. You, just do it and tell us if it doesn’t work.
Don’t be stingy
Even if it’s a hostel bunk bed, sleep on one side. Don’t spread your body like someone without home training. Where will your husband sleep, Lolade?
Very important: Don’t shave
The bushier, the better your chances of getting some of that witchcraft knacks. Why? Because bushy pubic areas attract single witches and wizards with evil forest kinks.
Play Portable’s music in the background overnight
For sure, they’ll show up to vibe. For sure.
Get a huge mirror in your room
If you’ve ever watched a horror movie, you’d know mirrors are good for conjuring things of the spirit.
Sleep like this
You know why. Let’s not use all our mouth to talk.