Couch potatoes like me have an interesting relationship with our houses, beds and couches, and it’s not because the outside world is too uncomfortable; no, we just prefer those places.
The problem with being a couch potato is that there’s no spice. We don’t go out enough and if we’re single, we can’t claim to be in the “streets”. But unwilling as we are to go outside, we do want to be touched and loved by someone who can talk back to us and hold us at night,
So how can break up with our couches and find love?
Here are a few proven ways to do it, tested and trusted.
Wake up every morning and shout, “My partner!” three times into your bathroom mirror
This works, I can’t lie. One day, your partner will appear to you in the mirror and find a place in your life. Also, standing in the mirror will make you love yourself more than you already did before, and it’s going to make your partner love you with ease.
Put up a banner that says “I need a life partner” on your gate
For better exposure, place copies around your estate and your car too. You need the ad to reach the desired party. Putting it on your car won’t help sha because you hardly ever drive it out. But you can beg your outdoorsy neighbours and friends to put it on their cars on your behalf.
Get on dating apps
The problem with dating apps is the number of how-are-yous you’ll answer in one day. To save time, I’ll advise you prepare a spreadsheet including all your information so you can send it out to each match Let them read through and decide whether or not they’re moving on with you.
Use your social media more
Yeah, I know, you want to be on Twitter sharing your random thoughts and only use your Instagram once in a blue moon — and that’s fine. But you need to optimize your accounts to find love.
Tell your friends to tell their friends about you
I’m sure there’s someone in your friend’s friendship circle that matches your taste, and they’ve not told them about you yet. O wrong nau. You aren’t outside doesn’t mean you’re not on the streets too. Or do your friends want you to be single for the rest of your life?
Take pottery classes
When push comes to shove, you will have to mould your partner and breathe life into them. The partner you mould for yourself is definitely going to be better than the one you find on the road or any other methods you try. Moulding your ideal partner by yourself isn’t the only benefit, as you can also make as many as you like with different specs. Oh, spicy!
Zikoko has launched a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.