Being the single friend sucks. If you’re not constantly feeling like the third wheel, you’re having to listen to your friend rant about their boo, knowing fully well they’ll never take any advice you give.
Valentine is coming, and if you’re the relationship friend, know that it’ll be the most third-wheel type of day ever for your single friend. But you can help make it better.
Get them a gift
Send them money, finally take their advice or buy them something they need; the gift options are endless. The point is to remind them of your love and make sure they don’t feel left out.
Now’s not the time to match-make them
I know you want the best for them, but talking stages are stressful as hell. So give them a break on Valentine’s Day. They can continue answering what their favourite colour is in March.
Break up with your partner
Hear me out. Nothing screams sacrifice like sacrificing your own relationship so your bestie doesn’t feel alone. At least, then you can spend the day together, discussing how the other gender is scum.
Or just abandon them for a day
You can also just ghost your partner to spend time with your friend on Valentine’s Day. You know how people say, “Every day should be Valentine with the right person”? Well, if they’re Mr/Miss Right, they wouldn’t mind picking any of the other days in the calendar to do Valentine things.
Get them to set their priorities straight
Not every time love matter. Are they keeping to their New Year resolutions? Or have they forgotten them? Those are more important than plastic flowers and Nigerian-made teddy bears, if you ask me. It doesn’t matter that you yourself are doing love things with your own partner. The focus is your friend.
Join them to make fun of other people’s gifts
There’s always more than enough cringe-worthy content on Valentine’s Day and who better to join in judging people than your bestie? They might judge your gifts too, but TBH, someone has to do it. With you being blind from love and all.
Allow them enter your relationship
Don’t you want your bestie to enjoy happiness too? Your partner might still cheat one day. But this way, you get to see and approve who they cheat with.
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
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Who doesn’t love being alone sometimes? But being single for too long can have some hilarious consequences. From struggling to be vulnerable to not knowing how to share food, it can make dating hard for both parties.
Here are eight traits people who’ve been single for too long exhibit.
They want to do everything
Matching outfits, couple poses, couple TikToks — you name it. Every day, they’d send you something new they want you guys to try. It’s pretty cute for someone to be that excited sha. But God help you that you’re not as enthusiastic as them.
They don’t know how to share
This one is tricky because they might just be a stingy rat. But these guys have been single for so long that sharing anything, especially food, is hard for them. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to have a romantic meal together, and they’re more concerned about their own plate than spending time with you.
They still have dating apps
Someone who’s been for the streets for a long time can’t just enter a healthy relationship and leave everything behind like that. They might need it for the validation of getting matched, but e dey pain sha.
They get attached too quickly
The first date isn’t even over, and they’re already picking out aso-ebi. The moment they say, “I’ve never felt this way before. This feels different,” know it’s the five years of being single that’s talking through them.
They’re too independent
These guys will tell you their love language is acts of service but would rather die than let you do something for them.
They’ll forget you exist
They’ll forget to text to check up or ask about your day. You’d even have to keep remind them of your name. They’d go out and forget to send you their location, and you’ll just be there wondering if you’re fighting. No, dear. It’s the long-term singleness exhibiting itself.
Everything is a competition
If you try play fighting with them, they’ll nearly break your neck, because softness has been missing from their lives for a while. You want to play Whot? That’s the day the relationship will end. They’ll give you like ten “pick two”, after claiming to love you.
You’ll know more about their ex than you know yourself
From the first date, all you’ll hear is how their ex’s traits are their current deal breakers. Every two seconds, their ex’s name will come up. Dating people who’ve been single for too long isn’t for the weak.
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We’re confident about two things, according to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics. The first is Valentine’s Day can be hard when you’re single. The second? Rewatching these iconic K-drama episodes will soften it. Just trust us.
The King: Eternal Monarch: Ep. 11/12
I mean, it’s a movie starring Lee Min-ho as Emperor Lee Gon. Every scene is romantic, but especially that one scene where he gathers all his guards, police, helicopters and citizens of his fictional country, Corea, to save his queen. That might not be your current reality, but watching it will keep your heart racing like it’s happening to you.
From the first episode to the last, this show will have you cheesing, especially if you keep thinking about your ex. But the final episode is one of the very best. Ung returns to Korea to surprise Yeon-su and finally tells her he loves her. You also get to see how all the other sub plots end,what more could you want?
Hospital Playlist 2: Ep. 12
Everyone and their dads can see how badly Ik-jun wanted to be with Chae Song-Hwa in Hospital Playlist 2. He’d already confessed his feelings to her in the first season, and if you have all day, you can rewatch the whole thing from the first season. Or you could go to episode 12 in season 2 and experience how it felt to hear Song-hwa finally confess to him while having coffee in the car in the pouring rain — like they always do. Infact, I’m going to rewatch too.
Vincenzo: Ep. 20
Vincenzo isn’t romance-focused, no one can deny the chemistry between Vincenzo and Hong Cha-young. After all the back-and-forth finally paid off in the finale, when they meet again, he says the iconic line, “See you in Malta”, revealing his location to her. Go and watch it ASAP. What do you need love for when you have K-drama?
Crash Landing on You: Ep. 16
This whole show is like candy for your aching heart. But you see that scene where Se-ri and Captain Ri finally reunite in South Korea? It’s the least heartbreaking. You’ll enjoy the slow motion and soft smiles.
Hometown Cha Cha Cha: Ep. 12
The bucket list episode where Hye-in and Du-sik try to experience everything she’d ever wanted with a romantic partner. It’s cute and silly and so heartwarming, you’ll forget all your problems.
Vagabond: Ep. 13
More thriller than romance, but I live for that one hospital scene where Dal-gun and Hae-ri start to fall in love. He carries her up, and she puts her feet on top of him, almost like they’re dancing. God, when?
Hotel Del Luna: Ep. 16
Who doesn’t love a good “star crossed lovers” drama? Chan-sung and Man-wol went through a lot for a love that could never happen, but at least, they got to share that kiss under the stars in episode 13.
Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Everybody and their daddy will want to bask in the spirit of love and try to share their me and mines energy with you… a single pringle.
Let’s show you how to ignore the love in the air and the cupid ninjas
Fight everybody
You have one week to channel your inner Patience Ozokwor and show everybody serious wickedness so they can clear from your front before saxophonists’ day arrives.
Wear cele uniform and post a picture near the water
Or just join the church. It doesn’t matter. As long as everyone thinks you see visions and commune with Angel Uriel, you’re good to go.
Hide in your father’s house
Bonus points if your daddy has a dog. If that annoying ex tries to make plans with you, invite them to your daddy’s house and let nature take it’s course.
Hide from your mother
While in your father’s house, hide from your mother. She won’t ask you where your partner is, but she will point out your age and ask about marriage.
Change your network provider
Any of them would work at this point, but just so this works perfectly, subscribe to the green network for a day, and become completely unavailable.
Take Panadol Night
Take the day off work, put your phone on, do not disturb and sleep through everything.
Do it with your chest
They say you should face things head-on. If your sneaky link or that ex that won’t stop disturbing you sends you a message, turn on your read receipt, open the message and ignore it.
Don’t let anybody stress you and your single status on this completely random day. Put yourself first and dodge all the people doing couple goals and share their love with you.
You know you’ve been single all year but take this quiz for double confirmation
Questions
This is a question
Pick the things that apply to you for this year:
You got #{score}/#{total}
You haven’t been single at all. In fact you’ve steady been in relationships since January. Please where do you find your partners?
You got #{score}/#{total}
You’ve had flings and talking stages, but not an actual relationship. Don’t worry, very soon one of these things will lead to something.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Omo, your case is special. Should we pray for you?
Happy December! It’s that time of the year when people in relationships refuse to allow us breathe. Today, it’s weddings, tomorrow, anniversaries, and the next day, the TL is full of couples in matching pyjamas celebrating Christmas. Who even started that nonsense?
Also, Valentine’s Day is not far o. It’s going to be a looong couple of months for single people.
But Zikoko is here to save you.
Forget physical partners. They’ll cheat, annoy you, be around all the time, eat your food… should we go on? Spirit partners are the real deal. They won’t do any of the above, and they’ll even cook for you and wear matching pyjamas if you want.
How can you get one? Read below:
Don’t eat before you sleep
Think about it. If you go to bed with a full stomach, why should someone come and serve you premium spirit realm creamy pasta? Are you a glutton? A hungry belly is a proper invitation for the spiritual forces looking to cook for someone. Once you people go on your first dream date, you can take it from there.
Wear only red panties or boxers to bed
You and I know red is both the colour of love and the spiritual realm. So covering your kpekus or blokos with it as you go to bed is basically saying, “I’m ready and available. Pick me.” Works every time.
Don’t wear faded red o. Blood red.
Only use red bedsheets
Everywhere has to be red. Spirit wives and husbands don’t like any other colour. Don’t go looking for a spouse and end up annoying the gods. Let’s be careful.
Brush before you sleep
Imagine finally securing a spirit wife, and she leaves you because you have mouth odour. The way they’ll drag you on the “SpiritBabez 👻💅🏽” group chat, ehn?
If you’re desperate, sleep naked
The more desperate you are, the nakeder you should sleep. Make sure you rub powder on your face and spray perf — not cologne or perfume, perf. That’s how they like it. Don’t ask us how we know.
Leave your windows wide open
How do you want your otherworldly partner to enter your room if you lock your doors and windows? How?
Keep small money under your pillow before you sleep
Economy is hard. You have to leave something small under your pillow for transport and “thanks for coming”. Abi, don’t you do it for your physical partners? Do they have two heads?
Keep a bottle of hot schnapps and some kolanuts on your nightstand
Some might say you’re doing sacrifice. That’s their business. You’re just entertaining your guest. It’s the least you can do to show them love. Abi, were you not raised to feed your visitors?
Duvets? Never. Only use adieu papa wrappers as cover cloth
It just makes sense, let’s not lie. You, just do it and tell us if it doesn’t work.
Don’t be stingy
Even if it’s a hostel bunk bed, sleep on one side. Don’t spread your body like someone without home training. Where will your husband sleep, Lolade?
Very important: Don’t shave
The bushier, the better your chances of getting some of that witchcraft knacks. Why? Because bushy pubic areas attract single witches and wizards with evil forest kinks.
Play Portable’s music in the background overnight
For sure, they’ll show up to vibe. For sure.
Get a huge mirror in your room
If you’ve ever watched a horror movie, you’d know mirrors are good for conjuring things of the spirit.
Sleep like this
You know why. Let’s not use all our mouth to talk.
It doesn’t matter if you recently returned to the streets, you’re taking a break from relationships to focus on yourself or you’re not just meeting the right people.
You can probably relate to this story if you’re a single friend
Your friend just celebrated their first anniversary with bae
You remember all the times you’ve had to weigh in as relationship counsellor
You send them messages to show your excitement
God when Pro-Max
Now you’re asking your friends when they’ll get married
Because you want to wear aso ebi and eat party jollof.
But they counter it with, “when will you sef find a partner?”
So they start sharing your number and social media handles
It starts with their partner’s friend, then their coworker. Next thing, it’s someone who’d previously hit on them.
As long as the person is good-looking, you don’t mind
Ah yes, they’re very fine. But do they have sense?
Soon after, you already know it won’t work
If they’re not saying “am cool” or trying to “have you eaten” you to death, they’re telling you how they want you people to be eating each other’s work.
You’re now worried about the kind of people your friend knows
And why they even thought it was a good match.
You conclude your friends hate you
And you’ve decided to stop indulging in their amateur match-making.
But they won’t stop sending you posts about single people
Will you rest, in Jesus’ name?
Or doing yimu at your “God-when” comments
Delete this immediately.
It’s clear to them that you’re a clown
You’re one with the streets.
Still, whenever you post a cute picture of you with someone
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 43-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about finding peace after her mother’s death, living with two bipolar brothers and escaping toxicity through classic books and films.
What makes you happy right now?
My published books, blogs and fan fiction. I haven’t made much money from them, but getting readers’ feedback makes me feel better about my self-worth. My mum died a week before my 40th birthday and my mind closed off. I couldn’t function. It wasn’t just the shock of her death, I also felt she died disappointed in me. I’m her only child who didn’t give her grandchildren or get married. A lot was left unsaid between us.
Like what?
She wasn’t always fair to me. Islam teaches us to accept the will of Allah, but I wish I focused more on her counsel than worrying about criticism from her. My brother’s wife told me something that gave me some closure. She said they often discussed me when I was at work and my mother would say she was proud of me. I wish she’d said things like that to me. I miss her very much, and I still feel sad when I think of her.
I’m sorry. How do you feel about not being married now?
Well, I never imagined I’d be single at 40, but I don’t mind it at all. I don’t want to be under a man who will tell me what to do or I’d need permission from. As a single woman, I’m not pressured to meet a husband’s expectations. I’m my own person.
What gives you this impression about marriage?
I’ve personally not experienced many healthy ones. My brother and his family live with me, and he has bipolar disorder. He’s on medication, but he’s not easy to live with. I sympathise with his wife but get angry and frustrated during his episodes. I always have to remind myself he’s mentally ill, yet sometimes, I feel he uses it to justify his general selfishness and superiority over his wife especially. Most times, I avoid him so his antics won’t get me down, but she can’t.
How do you manage your own mental health?
I focus on my hobbies. I read and watch classics, and write mostly to tune out the negativity. Sometimes, I just go out. I considered therapy but decided not to because I’m terrified of the possibility of needing meds.
I had panic attacks up until about 2010 because of my teaching job. I hid the attacks from my mum, who was already dealing with my younger brothers. Both of them are bipolar; I couldn’t add my issues. It was a horrible feeling, and I’m still prone to anxiety now and then. I don’t want a psychiatrist to detect it and say I should take meds. Then I’ll be unable to function without them. I want to be in control of my life without meds.
Fair enough. What was it like growing up with two bipolar brothers?
Their condition was undetected until they were both in university. But it’s not been easy. I never know when they might have an episode. The younger one takes his meds but won’t stop taking caffeine. He’s more bearable than the older one, but sometimes, he’s unreasonable. I resent the older one more because he’s done many things I can’t forgive him for. I generally try to avoid them.
Tell me about the hobbies that help you tune out negativity
I’ve loved classic books and films since I was a child. I have my late father to thank for that. He was a voracious reader who wanted his children to improve their vocabulary. He’d buy us books on our birthdays and let us read from his collection. Reading and writing fill me with fond memories of him.
That must be nice
He was still a strict father, though. Because of his temper and how he was set in his ways, I was afraid to cross him.
Where did your love for classic films come in?
As a child, NTA 5 aired BBC adaptations of classics like “Jane Eyre” (my favourite book), “Little Women” (my second favourite) and “Oliver Twist”. It made me love the classics even more. I also grew up watching great films like “The Sound of Music”, “The Thief of Baghdad” and “My Fair Lady”.
After reading about the history of motion pictures in an encyclopaedia in JSS 2, I wanted to watch all the films mentioned in it. Over the years, I’ve been able to. I especially enjoyed the film noirs. I love the feeling of entering another era, and it’s been helpful now when I need to escape. Today’s films, most of which are remakes of the classics, just don’t compare.
How did you transition to actually writing your own stuff?
The more books I read, and films I watched, the more I longed to create my own stories. But I didn’t consider actually writing until I started reading Enid Blyton’s books, my first inspiration to write children’s stories. I was about eight when my father bought one for me, “The Three Wishes, and other stories”. I think I was 15, when I first wrote anything. It was a three-stanza poem about the sea, and I sadly no longer have a copy. My first two books were published by Lantern Books.
How did that go?
It’s not easy to write for kids because you have to learn what they like, how they think, and keep the language simple. I submitted a manuscript of ten children’s stories in 2003. They were published in 2006 as two separate books. I was so happy when the physical copies were placed in my hands. But my third book wasn’t published till late 2018.
Have you written anything for film?
My first attempt at a film script was when I was at Federal College of Education (FCE), Osiele, Abeokuta. I showed it to a friend, but while he said it was well-written, he thought it was controversial because it talked about cultism. I haven’t made a second attempt.
Would you still offer it for adaptation to film one day?
I pray so. It would the pinnacle of my writing career.
And your romantic life so far?
I’ve only been in three brief relationships, and they all happened when I was 19. In fact, I would hardly call them “relationships”. I’m ashamed of the first and third because I thought I was in love. The second, I knew, was real, but I was too immature to handle it well. I haven’t tried again since.
I really don’t want to talk about it; all three were humiliating mistakes. I’ve forgotten the whole thing and moved on with my life, happily single.
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Couch potatoes like me have an interesting relationship with our houses, beds and couches, and it’s not because the outside world is too uncomfortable; no, we just prefer those places.
The problem with being a couch potato is that there’s no spice. We don’t go out enough and if we’re single, we can’t claim to be in the “streets”. But unwilling as we are to go outside, we do want to be touched and loved by someone who can talk back to us and hold us at night,
So how can break up with our couches and find love?
Here are a few proven ways to do it, tested and trusted.
Wake up every morning and shout, “My partner!” three times into your bathroom mirror
This works, I can’t lie. One day, your partner will appear to you in the mirror and find a place in your life. Also, standing in the mirror will make you love yourself more than you already did before, and it’s going to make your partner love you with ease.
Put up a banner that says “I need a life partner” on your gate
For better exposure, place copies around your estate and your car too. You need the ad to reach the desired party. Putting it on your car won’t help sha because you hardly ever drive it out. But you can beg your outdoorsy neighbours and friends to put it on their cars on your behalf.
Get on dating apps
The problem with dating apps is the number of how-are-yous you’ll answer in one day. To save time, I’ll advise you prepare a spreadsheet including all your information so you can send it out to each match Let them read through and decide whether or not they’re moving on with you.
Yeah, I know, you want to be on Twitter sharing your random thoughts and only use your Instagram once in a blue moon — and that’s fine. But you need to optimize your accounts to find love.
Tell your friends to tell their friends about you
I’m sure there’s someone in your friend’s friendship circle that matches your taste, and they’ve not told them about you yet. O wrong nau. You aren’t outside doesn’t mean you’re not on the streets too. Or do your friends want you to be single for the rest of your life?
Take pottery classes
When push comes to shove, you will have to mould your partner and breathe life into them. The partner you mould for yourself is definitely going to be better than the one you find on the road or any other methods you try. Moulding your ideal partner by yourself isn’t the only benefit, as you can also make as many as you like with different specs. Oh, spicy!
