Navigating long-distance relationships can be really tough and figuring out how to involve your partner in your daily activities can also be a hard nut to crack.
Set up movie dates and sleep off during the movie. That’s what you’d have done if you were watching it physically with them anyway, so why not do it virtually too? Make sure you are on a call when the movie is on so they can hear the sound of your gentle breathing and feel like you are physically present with them.
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2. Make playlists for each other.
Making a playlist for your partner is a cheesy way to keep them thinking of you. It also lets them know the kind of music you are interested in and you guys get to share songs you both like. You can listen to the playlist together and do virtual karaoke.
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3. Virtually take each other to your favourite places.
Virtually involve your partner in your favourite things. Take them to concerts with you, to art galleries with you, even the toilet. We know this doesn’t replace orgasms, but it makes them feel close and involved and that’s also nice.
4. Get random gifts and have them delivered to your partner.
A random gift can involve a new child with the person you are sleeping with within your area code. A baby is a perfect “I saw this and thought of you”, after all, you kuku call your partner baby and a physical baby will make you feel closer to them. We all know children are a gift.
5. Reassure them that distance isn’t an issue and remind them of how much you love them.
Reassure them that even though you are sleeping with not less than 10 people in your area code, they are still the 1 for you. Let them know distance won’t make you stop loving them and many other people.
6. Buy them sex toys.
Buying them sex toys means only one person in that relationship gets to have sex with other people and you have taken up that very hard task. How are they going to love you less when they know you are doing a lot of heavy lifting?
7. Do a little prostitution to raise enough money to travel to meet up with your partner.
Emphasis on a little prostitution. The level of the prostitution must not be high enough to make you catch feelings for the person you are prostituting with, you must keep the endgame at the back of your mind. Only prostitute to raise money to meet your partner wherever they are.
CW: Some of the themes discussed in this article might be triggering for people with mental illnesses.
When it comes to navigating relationships, some external factors like mental illness affects the dynamic of said relationships. What’s it like being in love with someone that wants to commit suicide? Who finds it difficult to start each day? We ask seven Nigerians what it’s like being in love with people having mental illnesses:
Kayode, 24
As someone who is also mentally ill, it gives me a sense of comfort. I know that this is a space in which there will be no judgement when I have episodes or when life does what it does. It’s comfortable but scary. Scary because I know that death is an option. I don’t know which of us will go first, and it makes me worry.
Yinka, 28
Honestly? It can be exhausting, but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. Someone I fell in love with had anxiety and bipolar disorder. I knew she couldn’t always control her actions, but some of them hurt me as well. There was a time she cancelled on a date I had planned because she was super anxious that day and was unable to leave the house. It hurt. I wasn’t equipped with the facilities to understand or deal with it, and I don’t think I still am.
A guy I was in love with has terrible anxiety. It gets so bad that sometimes he can’t go outside. He’s always thinking of a million and one possibilities and he always came up with the worst possible option. If I go without texting him for a few hours, he could assume the relationship is over. This led to me constantly over-explaining myself so he wouldn’t make assumptions. He was afraid of me triggering his anxiety and that was a lot of pressure on me. Loving someone with a mental illness is having to constantly be aware of your every action and inaction because of how much it directly or indirectly affects how they feel mentally.
Tobi, 22
As someone that thinks of committing suicide a lot, dating someone who probably thinks of it even more than I do is hard. Very hard. When he takes breaks, I get scared. I worry that this time he has to himself might cause him to hurt himself. I’m really worried and scared when he makes statements like “I just need a break from anything and everyone”. Also, when I am having an episode, I can’t really bring it up because he might be having one too. I don’t want to feel self centred. However, everything is nice when mental illness gives us a chance to breathe. It just doesn’t give us a chance to breathe often.
My current partner and I are both depressed, but I don’t think it affects the quality of the relationship. It’s just that when the low points happen, they’re really low and can be really scary. Sometime this year, my partner tried self-harming and that really broke me. I was far away at the time and all I could do was panic. I know how bad it can get and I want to protect him from everything but I can’t do a lot.
Depression is shit, and having to keep going because of someone is hard. I’m grateful to be dating someone that goes through the same stuff as me because it makes us very kind and understanding towards each other. Also, it allows me to see things from both sides. As loving someone that has a mental illness and also by navigating your own mental illness while loving someone. I worry that my love is not enough to keep him happy, but I know that I alone can’t be the only source of his happiness and it’s a combination of varying factors. We are mentally struggling, but we manage to keep each other afloat with practical and emotional support.
John, 22
It’s not fun. You love your person with everything in you, but when they get manic, it takes everything to love them twice as hard. Being equally mentally ill doesn’t make it easier to deal with. Sometimes, you’d be going through things too but they are in a worse condition so you suck it up and be there for them. If you are in love with someone suicidal either passively or not, you wake up every day wondering if this is the day they die. You will listen to them talk about how much they want to die even though all you want is a long life with them, but you can’t tell them that. You know that’s not what they want to hear, so you listen because that is all you can do. Loving someone with a mental illness means you will learn to leave your insecurities at the door and be softer and kinder while dealing with people.
I think for me, knowing that she goes through so much makes me want to keep some of my own things from her because I don’t want to add to her problems. I’m just glad that when she needs someone, she knows I am there. I’m not her therapist or a mental health care provider and I know that there’s so little I can actually do, but I do it regardless. I encourage her to seek help and just be there for her.
Being in love with someone with a mental illness means I have to make a lot of sacrifices. You sacrifice your sleep, your own mental health, your peace, and so many other things. I try to remind myself that love is sacrifice, but does love sacrifice so much? I’m mentally ill myself and whenever I feel overwhelmed and unable to love my partners anymore, I ask myself if I’d want them to give up on me. It’s hard. It’s extremely difficult and it’s not something just anyone can do. At the same time, it’s also safe. It gives me a space where I can live without judgement. My mental illness means I already play life on hard mode, but it’s not all bad. There are days where it feels soft and everywhere is filled with laughter. Loving someone with a mental illness means I have to enjoy each day as it comes, because you can lose everything in a second. It’s reminding myself that at the end of the day, the illness is not about me. They’re the one suffering.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: Love Is Blind But Marriage Is An Eye-Opener
Olaide (29) and Yetunde (28) started out as just friends. But Olaide had plans to steal Yetunde’s heart. In today’s Love Life, they discuss intentional romance, how to steal a woman’s heart, and navigating the first year of marriage.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Yetunde: We were in the drama unit at church. Every year, the unit recruits new people through an audition process, and he was one of the people who came to audition. I was an admin in the unit. This was 2019.
Olaide: The audition was slated for 10 a.m., and I got there at 10:01. When I stepped in, she said, “Hold on, you are late.” I was too tired to argue, I just looked at her and thought, “What’s doing this one?”
Yetunde: But let’s be honest, a minute late is late, considering you were supposed to be there at least five minutes before. Punctuality was the first step. Anyway, he did his audition and was selected. The new recruits go through a number of training sessions before they become fully integrated into the unit, and as an admin, I ought to be present at these meetings. But I was staying on the Island, and the church was on the Mainland, so I missed a lot of the meetings. I was also going through a difficult time in that period, so I went off social media too. And then one morning, he called to check up on me. He said he noticed that I was offline and he wanted to know if I was okay. This small act touched me: members of the unit who had known me for longer did not even think to check up on me, but this guy who just joined was the one doing that.
Olaide: And that’s how we started. I went for her heart and I stole it.
How did you do it? Abeg share tips.
Yetunde: Abeg, abeg, abeg. After he called to check up on me, we began talking from there. He would respond to my status updates, ask about my day, and try to make me laugh. The moment all these started, I quickly assessed him and came to the conclusion that he would rot in the friendzone. Besides, I was not even thinking of dating. I was in that phase where I wasn’t ready for anything serious. I had a number of guys around me and I was feeling myself and saying, “Yes. This is my moment.” One guy would deliver lunch, another would take me on a movie date. Why commit myself when I could take my sweet time to discover my own prince charming?
I’ll give him credit: he did his own share of flattery. He also paid attention to the things I said I liked, the ones I did not. I mentioned that I wasn’t a call person, just chats, and he stuck to the chats. He would send things to my office, and I would collect them and think, “Aww, Mr. Nice Guy.” A colleague at work saw all of the things I was getting from him, and she told me to be open-minded about dating him, but for me, that path was already closed. In fact, I was looking for girlfriends for him. I wanted to be sure that he was safe with someone and that nothing could happen between us. At some point, I told him to stop sending things to my office because I did not want a situation where someone would come and attack me for collecting things from him without intending to date him. Everyone said he wasn’t being nice for niceness sake, that he wanted something more, but he insisted that he only wanted friendship, nothing else.
Olaide: That’s the first tip to stealing someone’s heart: start with friendship. When we started talking, she was not in a good place. Approaching her by saying she would be my wife would be a lot to handle, so I started as a friend. But in everything I did, there was the undertone of my affection for her. At first, she acted like she didn’t see it, and then she said I was using secondary school lines. But me, I was focused. And you know why? God had already told me she would be my wife.
Ahan, Jehovah overdo! Tell me more.
Olaide: Before I met Yetunde, I was in a serious relationship of about 5 years that was sure to lead to marriage. But then one night we were at a vigil rehearsal, preparing for the 2019 June production. When she was leading prayers, a voice said, “Open your eyes and look at her, that’s your wife.” My first thought was, “Shey you dey whine me ni?” I just laughed it off.
But then later, after I had thought about it, I told God, “If she is the one I am to marry, then do your thing.” Not long after that, my relationship hit rock-bottom, and I got into my own hoe phase. The same way Yetunde had guys bringing her things, I also had babes around me. By December of that year, I told her I was going to “clear my desk.” In other words, I was giving all the other girls in my life a red card so I could focus on her.
So, Step 2 is “Focus”. Jotting things down.
Yetunde: And he did focus on me. In fact, he became the dominant guy in my life. With him, every other guy faded into the background. I was told to pray about it, but I refused. Praying about it would mean that I was open to possibilities and I wasn’t. Maybe I had a mental picture of who I wanted my husband to be, and Olaide was not it.
First of all, I thought he was a small boy. I also wanted someone who was Tall, Dark, and Handsome, a God-lover, who would also be charming, caring, kind, romantic, and sweet. He ticked some things — the important things, as I would later find out. But at first, I thought he wasn’t tall or fine enough to fit the requirements I had in my head. But since being married to him, I have come to realise that my village people wanted to get me, because, really, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HANDSOME THIS MAN IS? Nothing can be done about the height again, sha.
Try beans and fertilizer.
Olaide: Ehn? Who do you people want to kill? Please and please, I’m fine the way I am.
He heard from God that you would be his wife. Did you hear the same thing too, or did you get any sign at all?
Yetunde: I can’t say that I did in clear terms. But I always say that God chose him for me or I would have missed it, and what a miss that would have been. Some of my reservations were based on the fact that he was still living with his uncle and wasn’t very financially stable. I’m not materialistic, but I wanted someone with some level of financial comfort. Nobody wan suffer. It seemed like with him, I would have to start from ground zero and the stories we hear about building with someone only for another person to come and hijack the building made me hold back.
Before we started dating, I had said I wanted to be pampered in my next relationship. I wanted to date someone who would spend money on me, take me out on trips, buy me expensive stuff and all of that because me sef deserve am. Others were getting it, so why not me? But with him, I noticed that he may not have so much but he was willing to spend the little he had on trying to make me happy. That, for me, was more important than someone who had the money but wasn’t even selfless or giving. At least with Olaide, I could rest assured that when he blows, my pampering is secure. And now that we are married, he’s not doing badly in that aspect.
Tell me, Olaide. Does she pamper you as much as she wants you to pamper her?
Olaide: LMAO. She tries her best. She gave me the best and most memorable birthday of my life. She also buys me gifts, takes me out for dates, and sends lunch to my office. Until she came into my life, I never knew I loved gifts, or that receiving gifts was an important love language to me.
So, when did you become sure that you had stolen her heart?
Olaide: When she told me she loved me. This was in January 2020. The moment she said it, I said, “Ah, do you mean it?”
Yetunde: LMAO. But you had always said it multiple times. What made mine different?
Olaide: I said it multiple times to ensure a soft landing. I was basically wetting the ground so that it would be easier for you to bear when I started moving like a man ready to drag you to the altar. It’s why you would say something random and I would respond with “I love you.” You were laughing, but I was clearing my path small-small.
LMAO. So, Step 3 is “Say I love you multiple times” Hmm. Still jotting things down.
Yetunde: I don’t know when his tone changed from being playful to very serious, but I looked back at our friendship one day and realised that I had become attached to him even without meaning to. He had become special to me. Valentine’s Day was approaching, and I knew he was going to do something special. I could have delayed the “I love you” till then, but I did not want it to appear like I was saying it out of gratitude for all I was getting from him. I wanted him to know it was genuine. And so in January, I said the words.
Of course, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. He went all out. Rose petals, surprise getaway, a lot of drama. It was so heartwarming. This man understands love and affection. In July, he proposed, and we got married in October.
Olaide: I would have done more, but COVID did what it did, and so a lot of the places we wanted to visit were inaccessible, and then there was the lockdown too.
How has married life been?
Yetunde: Omo. Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. That’s the summary of it. Marriage has tested me in many ways. The first year is a bit tough, and I often wonder if things would be easier if we had dated for longer, but he doesn’t see it from that point of view. I have had to let go of my stubbornness. Miscommunication occurs and I try to figure things out, and it’s not even working. Sometimes, it gets so difficult that I sit down and think, “What did I get myself into?” Sometimes, I think marriage is overrated. And there are also times where I just want to get through the day and not even think about love.
There are days when we fight and make up, but always, we try to get better. It was tougher in the first few months. He was constantly annoying, but I will be honest, I don’t think I can imagine marriage with someone else. Olaide gets me. Even when we fight, I know he is still my personal person. He’s not petty, neither is he out to get me. It’s rare how we fight and he still assures me of his love. And yet, he refuses to settle in being romantic and intentional, even though we are married. Day after day, he tries to know me more. It’s as though I am an interesting book he never wants to finish reading.
Olaide: Yetunde is my peace of mind with a sprinkle of craze. She brings me so much joy and yet keeps me in check. She’s my very own Comedy Central. She’s a great cook, and her affection is endless. I feel like I am kind, but she’s kinder. She is sweet, and takes to correction, even more than I do. Being married to her pushes me to do better, be better. She is a fighter, and will not settle until she gets what she wants. I could be lackadaisical but her fighting spirit keeps me on my toes.
I’m eager to see her smile, eager to come home to her, wrap my hands around her and kiss her. She’s a vibe and a whole mood, and with her, marriage feels new and fresh, not formulaic. People come to our house and ask why I’m packing her plates and all, but I am more than pleased to do this. She’s also very eager to cover up the places where I fall short, especially financially.
These are a lot of good qualities oh. Aren’t there areas you’d love to see change?
Yetunde: I wish he’d listen more and listen better. Many times, I have to repeat myself and warn him about things because my intuition tells me something is off. But he does not listen until it falls apart and he comes to me. Sometimes, I feel frustrated about having to repeat myself on things and I have told him that one day, I would print out a shirt that says, “Listen to your wife more” and give him to wear, but I am learning how to be patient.
Kindness comes easy to him. He doesn’t hesitate to be kind to me and outsiders. It is in the little things: how he boils water for me to bathe when I’m cold; how he often remembers to buy me Vitamin C. He’s easily trusting too, and these are things I want him to work on. No, I don’t want him to change, but I would love for him to question people’s motives, and take a more critical look at situations more before plunging into them. That way, people would not take advantage of him so much, and he would not take decisions as though he were still single.
Olaide: The dangbana choko part is the part I love the most about her and the part I love the least. I wish she would temper it down a bit, so that little things wouldn’t cause fights.
How would you rate your relationship (and marriage) on a scale of 1-10?
Yetunde: 8. I love that we have a solid friendship as our base. It’s what has helped us weather through, even when it seems like the marriage is turning on its own. It doesn’t feel like marriage in the traditional sense of the word, we’re just chill. We play, gist, gossip, banter ourselves. Even when we fight, we are eager for the gist.
Olaide: It’s an 8 for me too. Each time I wake up next to Yetunde, I feel like I have been given a new lease on life.
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There are some vital truths you only get to understand when you experience them firsthand. This is no different in love and relationships. After all, matters of the heart can sometimes be where we learn about ourselves the most – what works for us, and those things we say “never again” to.
Here are couple of things nobody really tells you, in no particular order.
1. Some fights aren’t yours to win
It’s not necessarily about you – people react a certain way because of their triggers. If you’re an empath, then this is one big take-home.
2. It’s not always butterflies, roses & sunshine
Some days you won’t feel ‘in love’ and while that can be scary, it’s okay. Many people break up before they learn this.
3. Boundaries are a must
You need to set boundaries and be self-aware enough to know when they are being crossed. Saves you a whole lot of heartache and cringe-worthy flashbacks.
4. Sex is a big part of the mix
It’s raining horniness everywhere. This comes as a shock to some people when they get into relationships for the first time. If you plan on practicing abstinence, it can be difficult finding partners who support your stance. Difficult, but not impossible.
5. Kissing is not the same for everyone
For a lot of people before a kiss that actually doesn’t feel like the exchange of saliva can take place, there has to be some form of emotional connection. Movies and your friends might not tell you this.
6. Everything good will come
It can feel like you’d never find love and will probably die alone with your cat, but wait, everything good will come. Surprisingly, it might be when you’re not even looking.
7. You will cry a river
Yes, a relationship you truly care about should be your safe space, but wait till you know pain. The same person you absolutely adore can be the reason you stay up at 3 a.m. staring at the ceiling and crying hot, bitter tears.
8. It’s not for the weak
Forget what you see on the timeline from your faves. It takes a truckload of patience, time, commitment to make a healthy, stable relationship work. There are times you have to make sacrifices even at your own inconvenience and be the bigger person. Mind you, being the bigger person doesn’t always mean turning the other cheek.
The scariest moment in a young man’s life is when he asks a romantic interest out for the first time. A lot of things run through his mind before he convinces himself that the worst response he’ll get is a “no”. For some guys though, they find out that there are things worse than “no”. I spoke to five Nigerian men about the first time they asked someone out.
Tea
It was my second year in uni and I was classmates and good friends with this girl. I wanted to ask her out in grand style because it was my first real relationship. I had the whole event planned out — the location, the outfit and my proposal. I wrote a whole speech about why dating me was a good idea, how we’re going to be a different couple, how her cousins and our mutual friends already think we’ll make a good pair, how our personalities complement each other and many other things. She was older and more mature so I knew I had to outdo all the other guys toasting her.
After executing the perfect proposal, I asked her to think about it and respond when she was ready. She immediately replied that she doesn’t need time to think about it and she doesn’t want to keep me waiting. She thought we’d be better off as friends rather than lovers.
I was shocked and devastated. All my weeks of planning went down the drain. I spent the next 17 months trying to convince her or understand her reasons but she never budged. In that time, I missed out on two potentially great relationships all because I was stuck on her. It was even harder to move on because we spent at least 8 hours a day together in med school. After I dropped out, I met someone new and started dating.
Eight years have passed and we’re still friends.
Bryan
When I was in SS3, I had this giant crush on this babe. Everyone knew because I don’t know how to hide my emotions. One day, my friends gingered me to ask her out. So I went to sit with her and I blurted that I had feelings for her. She said, “Aww, that’s so sweet, but you’re like a brother to me.” I think I still have a small crush on her, even though it’s been over a decade.
Olu
My first time? It was horrible. I was in secondary school, and in hindsight, I was very shy and wasn’t very good-looking. Back then, when I wanted to talk to someone, I’d practice my conversation ahead and anticipate what the other person would say. When I asked her out, she said, “And why would I do that?”
I froze and started stuttering because I hadn’t seen that coming. I started saying nonsense about giving it a chance. She just rolled her eyes and continued reading her social studies note. That’s the first time I wanted to die. The embarrassment was too heavy. I didn’t ask anybody out for 3 years after that.
When I think of her rejection, it makes me smile. She was such a no-nonsense babe and it was so hot. I’m grateful that rejection happened because it helped my conversation planning get better.
Tomiwa
I was in primary school and had a crush on a girl in secondary school. I still remember the butterflies in my stomach when I walked up to her and asked her out. It was cute af and I was pretty shy but she was super encouraging. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said she was gonna think about it. It was a Friday so I spent the weekend just on the edge. Monday came along and we met up and she answered me with a kiss. She was my first of many baddies.
Kenny
I wrote her a cute note, as per the writer that I am. I wasn’t scared because I knew the chances of her saying no was very low. She said she’d think about it and I was lost and confused because I had never heard people say they wanted to think about a proposal. One night, when I was going to my hostel, she pulled me aside and said yes.
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Love is not difficult; if your partner loves you, it is clear to see and know. But sometimes, you might be with someone who is showing signs that are very hard to read. You then spend the entire time wondering if they love you or not.
You don’t have to worry anymore. Here are 12 easy ways to know your partner no longer loves you.
1. If they sleep with their back turned to you.
They are already showing you their back. It’s time to start packing your load because that relationship is on its last bar. It won’t last another month.
2. If you tell them you have not eaten and they say, “Ehya, make sure you eat something oh.”
Of course, they no longer care if you die or live. They are over you. Think back to when you first met; did they not send you food, at the very least?
3. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Come if you want.”
You don cast. Better break up before you find out that they are marrying someone who is not you.
4. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Yes, you can come.”
Should you even have to ask? When the relationship started, were they not begging you to come and visit them? What changed?
5. If the number of sexual rounds reduce.
Of course, they can no longer stand you. They just want you to get up and leave their space.
6. If the number of sexual rounds increase.
Clearly, they want to enjoy what they can enjoy before they throw you out like trash. Do you want our advice? Deprive them of that enjoyment. Lock up and then break up.
7. If they don’t like you eating from their plate.
The both of you ordered rice and they still don’t want you to eat sixteen spoons from their rice? Omo, better break-up. There is nothing left for you in that relationship.
8. If they ask you to eat from their food.
They are indirectly calling you a longthroat. If I were you, I will not eat that food. It’s break-up straight.
9. If they fall asleep before you.
If this is not enough sign for you, then you need help.
10. If they fall asleep after you.
Are you a child that they have to put you to bed first? That person is infantlising you. Please leave. We want you to want better for yourself.
11. If they come back from an outing without buying you anything, just because you said you don’t want anything.
They couldn’t even make an effort?? Nah, that person no longer loves you.
12. If they come back from an outing and give you a gift even after you said you don’t want anything.
This person clearly doesn’t listen to you. Are you proud to be in a relationship where your words don’t count? You better leave. There is no more love in that relationship. It has dried up.
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What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up. Man Like is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.
Today’s Man Like is Obafemi “TheGrandVezir” Onwochei, a doctor and 2D animation generalist. He talks to us about how an unhealthy work environment made him decide to switch careers, how growing up in a close-knit family inspires him to create one of his own and how being vulnerable in romantic relationships is difficult but necessary.
Tell me something interesting about yourself.
My name is Obafemi Onwochei. At this point, people usually say, “Oh, you’re half-Yoruba, half-Igbo,” or “Your dad is Igbo and your mom is Yoruba.” Neither of these things are true. It’s also not an adopted name nor is it because I’ve lived in Lagos all my life. Both my parents are Igbo. My dad just decided to give my brother and me Yoruba names.
Interesting. What’s your relationship with your dad like?
I had more books than toys growing up and that was because of my father. He also made me very good at picking up skills and mastering them in very short periods. When I went along with his decisions, our relationship was quite smooth.
He’s, however, that brand of Nigerian parents who think they’re right about everything and their opinion is the fact. As I got older, we started to have conflicts on more and more issues. Presently, our relationship is all right but strained partly because of my career change decision.
What decision?
I’ve been a video content creator focused on animation and motion graphics for the past three years. I originally trained as a medical doctor, but Nigeria happened.
How?
From my induction, I was already disillusioned by the health care system. It took me ages to get a house job, and I should have taken that as my cue to leave this country. By the time I decided to leave, the damage had been done. I was no longer interested in practising medicine. The meagre doctors’ salaries, the lack of infrastructure and the low morale made me lose interest in being a doctor, so I latched onto the next thing I was interested in — design and 2D animation.
From medicine to design and 2D animation. That’s a big career jump. Why?
I’ve always been amazed by creativity — what goes into creating something out of nothing. From making several ingredients into one soup to turning a bunch of shots into videos and movies, creativity inspires me. It wasn’t a big jump. I just elevated a hobby to a career in video making.
Safe to say you left your job for your passion?
I don’t think I can call any job my passion, per se. My only goal in life is to be a good father and husband. Every other thing, such as practising medicine or video making is just a means to an end. I’m not a husband or father yet, but I’m going to take any means necessary to make sure that I’m in a good position to provide for those that I love. It doesn’t matter if it’s by saving lives or by animating pictures. My passion is to successfully run a close-knit family. If I end up not being a good father or husband, I would be unfulfilled.
Is your family close-knit?
My family is small. I have just one brother in addition to my parents. Growing up, everyone was involved in the success and progress of the others. We always supported each other. I helped my brother with his academics, my father provided what we needed financially, and it worked. This is why I want a close family.
Interesting. At what point did you realise you were your own man?
I think it occurred in small milestones. The first point was leaving my parents’ house just before my youth service in 2016, in Onitsha. I believe every man should take that leap of independence at some point.
The next point was when I became a doctor and realised that my decisions were crucial to saving lives. I watched life leave the earth and watched it come into it. That gives you a sense of confidence in your decisions.
A random question: what kind of person are you in relationships?
When I’m in love, I’m fully at my partner’s service. I draw an insane amount of happiness from satisfying my partner’s needs and making them happy. Everything I do is geared towards making their life easy. I’ll do anything they want to make them happy, as long as it’s not illegal.
There’s a general belief that men should not be vulnerable. People say what you share can be used against you. But I can’t help being open. I’m a very emotional guy, and I don’t try to hold back my emotions, especially with people in my close circle. An ex almost made me regret this and it really hurt. I didn’t see the end of the relationship coming, so I was devastated and tried to find an outlet for my emotions. . But I won’t be stopped.
It helps that I have support systems that are accepting of my vulnerability.
I’m big on crying too. Men and women both have tear ducts. There’s no reason not to cry if you’re feeling overwhelmed. I cried when I saw movies like Coco and Moana. Bottling things up inside you might cause you to act out in some unhealthy way like lashing out. It’s better to process emotions healthily.
Interesting. What does it mean to be a man?
I don’t subscribe to the many tropes of toxic masculinity, but one I find trouble letting go of is being a provider. In yesterday’s, today’s and tomorrow’s world, being a man means being a provider.
What does a relaxing weekend look like for you?
Flying out to Uyo on a Friday night to see my madam. Stay in with her at night and all day Saturday. Then I’d go get fisherman soup from my favourite restaurant in Uyo. Absolutely amazing. Then I’d fly back on a Monday in time for work.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio:Marriage Teaches You To Fight Fair
Lanre, 30+, and Princess, 30+, have been married for six years. Months after their first child, Lanre encountered a mental health issue that lasted a year and tested their marriage. For today’s episode of Love Life, they discuss working through it as a couple and what six years of marriage has taught them.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Lanre: Princess and I met through a mutual friend in church.
Princess: We were in church, but this man couldn’t just calm down. He quickly asked for my BBM pin, and the next morning, he said we should play a game that sounded like truth or dare.
Lanre: I accept with my full chest. The first time I saw her, I really liked her persona. I wanted to know her better, but I was socially awkward and didn’t really know how to talk to people. I made up the game to get to know her. I called it the gbagaun game. Basically, you try to use really bad grammar, and the other person must be able to detect the errors. You get points for the worst grammar.
She wasn’t so enthusiastic about it, but I think she wanted to be nice, so she replied.
Princess: I thought he was weird though, so I friendzoned him.
Oh no! Not the friendzone.
Princess: The very first time I saw him, I thought he was worshipping intently, completely unconcerned about his environment or if people were looking at him. That was nice, but it made me mentally categorise him as a church bro.
And here’s my personal definition of a church bro: they are church brothers who behave like assistant Jesus. They are too serious, and all of the bible verses that they quote are never the ones that portray Jesus as a fun dude.
I wasn’t ready for that. My ideal guy was someone who is a baby boy but who also loves Jesus. A fine balance.
Lanre: And when I saw her for the first time, I thought she was a complete babe. Beauty? On point. Faith? On point too. These were the things that mattered to me then — someone who shared the same values, faith and beliefs I did.
Princess: LMAO. The spirikoko covered all the sweet boy potential you had, please. It took a while before I could see through it.
Aww.
Princess: Anyway, I grew up with five big brothers, so it wasn’t hard to add one more brother into the mix. I called him brother, he called me sister too.
Lanre: To be honest, I was not going to rush it. I was not in a hurry. From being disappointed with relationships in the past, I’d formed the opinion that no true relationship could survive without genuine friendship. And so when I found out I had been friendzoned, I was willing to wait. If nothing happened, I was comforted that we’d still have our friendship.
I ended up calling her Sister Princess, and she too referred to me as Brother Lanre.
Princess: I even tried hooking him up with a friend of mine — that I didn’t want to date him did not mean I couldn’t match him with other people. But that ship sank before it could sail. It led nowhere.
Welp. Was that why you removed him from the friendzone?
Princess: Being close friends with Lanre made me see him for who he really is. He wasn’t trying to impress me or anything because it was clear that I was not into him. He was just being Lanre around me, no performance or added effects. And this was what did it for me. I began to pay attention, and it was as though someone turned on a light bulb and illuminated a dark room. He was no longer the Brother Lanre, aka Assistant Jesus, that I knew. I saw, instead, that there were more things to him that I hadn’t noticed before.
Lanre: Aww, I’m shy.
Princess: Go away jor. That’s how you deceived me into thinking you were the shy one until we got married, and I realised that you are not an introvert! Ha, men!
LMAO. How long did it take for you to see him?
Princess: It took two years for me to see him. He was just being himself and I was being myself. In fact, he sometimes knew when guys were asking me out. I showed him I wasn’t so easy to impress. I will stress you out because I believe you can’t offer me anything that I don’t already have.
I come from a family that totally adores me and does not hesitate to shower me with financial love. What I was looking for in a romantic relationship was something extra, and our friendship gave me the opportunity to see that Lanre had that thing. Substance, integrity, dependability — these were important to me, and I wasn’t going to settle down with anyone who was all muscles and no brain.
The more I paid attention to Lanre, the clearer things became. I could see he treasured our conversations and what they were centred around. This guy is an idea powerhouse: he always has an answer when you come to him with a concern. I actually call him a living encyclopedia: very unassuming and yet a spec. My spec! During one of our conversations, it clicked that this man had the extra spice I was looking for. And so I gave him the green light.
Tell me a little about this “green light”.
Princess: I told him that it’s ok if he wants to ask me out now because I had started liking him. And so, after being friendzoned for two years plus, we began dating. Three months into the relationship, something else happened. He came to my house one day and said we should call it quits. I asked him why; he said family issues.
Lanre: LMAO. Those were the dark days, please. I went to visit her so I could tell her that our newfound love could not work out. My family didn’t think we should be together. Ethnicity issues, but also because she didn’t fit the image of the ideal “good girl”.
Princess: So the thing is, I am Igbo and he is Yoruba. Plus, I guess they were looking for someone who looks like an “omo Jesu”— one SU girl to fit him.
I don’t get…
Princess: Let me just be direct: I look like someone that will finish your money and not stay with you. I was blessed to have been surrounded by loving big brothers who sponsored my expensive lifestyle. I practically got whatever I wanted. And yes, even though I possess all the qualities of a “good girl” and have a close relationship with Jesus, it’s the “I’ll finish your money” look that everyone sees the most.
Lanre: LMAO. “Good girl” is making me laugh. Basically, she is very expressive with her fashion choices and creative with it. It was just cultural stereotypes.
Princess: I’m not even going to lie: the shock of the breakup was out of this world. No one had ever done me dirty like that. Anyway sha, we broke up, and he started dating his sister’s best friend. I wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship, so I chilled. We were still friends, but it was strained.
One evening, three months later, I received a text message from him. Something like, “You are the best woman for me, I have been thinking…”He was asking me to come back.
Ghen ghen.
Princess: This time, I was in beast mode. I said NO, I wasn’t going to date him anymore. Omo, this man started begging me.
I still liked him, but as a friend, so I told him to chill for about four months. I told him I was praying about it and would give him an answer whenever God provided it.
Lanre: Yes, this woman made sure I paid the second time.
Princess: One day, I asked him what changed. He told me that he was ready to fight anybody for what his heart wanted. It sounded cute, but I wanted to know if he meant those words. To show he did, he started intentionally trying to make us work. We clicked again, and I said yes.
Funny thing? His mum and I eventually became best friends.
Aww. How has married life been so far?
Princess: Married life has been a learning curve. We were married one minute, and the next minute we were pregnant. Dubai hotels do magic for newlyweds. And then four months after our first baby, a year and three months into the marriage, my husband had mental health challenges.
Lanre: It was a new experience. I lost many important relationships and acted very strangely. I resigned from my jobs at the time, mostly out of anger and deep sadness. What followed were very difficult times.
Princess: This changed us a lot. We were lodging in and out of hospitals like they were hotels. I am grateful he came out of it after about a year. These days, we are busy inspiring and lifting up each other with loving words and raising adorable little humans.
Six years in, and I can say I made the right choice. We still behave like newly-weds around each other.
Lanre: Married life has not been a perfect or an entirely smooth ride. Being friends and being truly in love has really helped us stick together. Our faith in Jesus is also an important pillar in our relationship. It really helps us to stay grounded during very difficult times.
I look forward to the rest of our lives.
What did you pick up from the mental health ordeal?
Princess: The mental health challenges taught us to talk through issues and not take on too many things at a time. My husband wanted to save the world, so he took on too many projects. Now, we don’t joke with our mental health. If I feel like crying about anything, I know I have a shoulder; he won’t judge me and neither will I judge him. Funny thing, I still called him and cried on the phone to him just this evening.
So yes, it’s taught me to listen and prioritize our marriage. Now, when I see people going through mental health challenges, I don’t trivialize it or say words that will make them sink lower. My husband’s experience taught me that mental health challenges are REAL and you need loving people around you to be able to pull through.
Lanre: What I learnt really is that it’s worth prioritizing family relationships. I now understand why people say “family over everything”. It was a dark and lonely period, and could have been worse without family. And yes, listening is so crucial.
What do you love most about each other?
Lanre: I love that she’s an amalgam. A splendid mix of all the top notch qualities. She can attend a presidential dinner and dazzle them, she can enter Ojuelegba and still rapport efficiently with agberos. She does everything so passionately and she’s also got such a beautiful mind. We share the same faith in Jesus. And she’s damn hot.
Princess: I like the fact that I can trust him. Lanre’s integrity is top notch. He is very unassuming but he is a great lover! And this is the most important: he is a very present and intentional parent to our babies.
Lest I forget too, he’s my very own tech bro.
How do you resolve issues when they come up?
Lanre: When issues come up, I leave her alone for a while and then either apologize or just try to be in the same room with her or in her face so that we have no choice but to talk.
Princess: I think a difference in perception is what causes issues. But mostly, we fight to put our marriage first. If he is taking a decision that might jeopardize the peace of our nuclear family, I am always quick to call his attention to it and he does the same to me. Thankfully we have learned to always put us as a unit first over anything.
In the early years, I was always quiet and withdrawn whenever we had issues. But it eats me up and I have come to realise that I don’t function well that way, so we talk about it. If it’s a very serious issue, we involve some of our friends whose godly counsel we trust. But these days, we just apologize to each other and explain clearly the angle we are coming from.
Six years in marriage teaches you how to fight fair, how to avoid saying words that will demean the other person in your anger. Most importantly, it teaches you not to fight each other but to fight whatever it is that is the issue, together.
Are there things you don’t like about each other?
Princess: He’s always looking for what to wear to an event on the day of the event and me I don’t like it because I always plan outfits days before I need to wear them.
Lanre: I think one thing I always want her to know is that I’ll never do or say anything with bad intentions. Sometimes it’s easy to assume that your spouse has said or done something specifically to harm you or put you down. We have spoken about this and I think she’s getting comfortable with that truth by the day.
How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?
Princess: On a scale of 1-10, I’d give the relationship an 8. It can be improved upon and we must always leave room for improvement. It’s not a perfect 10, but it is a very healthy 8.
Lanre: We are two imperfect people constantly learning how to love each other perfectly.
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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: It Was Love At First Talk
Akintunde, 35, and ‘Depeju, 26, knew they would marry each other after speaking on the phone for the first time.For today’s Love Life, they talk about fighting for the first few months of their relationship, how they got past that and what it feels like to become parents.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
‘Depeju: I met the big head through Facebook. He slid into the DMs on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, and then he added “Sweetheart” to his message. I thought he was a jobless 30+ married man that did not really have anything to do with his life, so I let the “Sweetheart” slide.
Akintunde: I actually used the “Sweetheart” to test the ground. I wanted to see if she would be offended by that or if she would be good-natured about it. She didn’t show offense, so I was encouraged to proceed with my agenda.
‘Depeju: Normally, I wouldn’t have replied to that DM. I don’t usually reply Facebook DMs. They’re always filled with “hello angle” and the likes. But when I went through his wall, I saw that he was reasonable and had intelligent pieces of writing, so I replied him with “Thank you Sir.”
All this because of a birthday notification…
Akintunde: I can’t recall if it was the birthday notification that brought her to my attention. I just know I ended up on her wall and saw an angelic babe.
‘Depeju: I’ll remind you: You sent me a friend request because you were sending friend requests to plenty girls at random.
LMAO.
‘Depeju: After the “Sir” reply, we got talking. I really can’t remember what got us talking but I know it’s something around the fact that he sucks at dancing. The conversation became frequent real quickly and we exchanged contacts, so he called me.
We spent more than one hour on the phone. During the course of the call, he said, “I’m AS. Find out your genotype because I’m not here to play.”
After the call, I knew that I wanted to marry him. I didn’t have to doubt. It was love at first talk.
Akintunde: Omo, I didn’t come to play. But I’ll be honest: you are also very interesting to talk to. You and your spri-spri English. Before we met, I dated someone I really liked but things went south. After I broke up with the babe, the people I dated or had flings with were either not my type or something just didn’t click. They were either so boring and just wanted “Love”, or just simply subpar. I’m big on having conversations, and I was looking for that person whom I’d be able to have conversations with about anything and they’d be able to hold their own.
So, that first phone call with ‘Depeju showed clearly that yeah, na this be the one for me! I clearly liked her already and there we were talking for about three hours during the first phone conversation, something my life lacked at that point. I didn’t need any further sign to know that this was the girl I wanted to marry. It was why I asked her to quickly get her genotype checked because I didn’t want to love up and then later realise that things would not work out.
Does this mean you both were single when you found each other?
‘Depeju: Funny enough, I just ended a relationship a few weeks before then.
Akintunde: And cut your hair. Say eeettt.
‘Depeju: I really don’t like you, this man. But yeah sha, it was a terrible breakup. He was someone I liked, but we both knew that the relationship couldn’t go anywhere because of religious differences. We eventually agreed to the breakup, but it was a bit tough on me emotionally. I cut my hair, ran out of Lagos, went on a tour with a friend of mine. Along the line I celebrated my birthday, and then, this annoying man’s message came in.
Akintunde: I had to break off with different ties I had then. A couple of them took a while because they needed soft landing. I just didn’t want to be brash and make someone go and hurt herself.
Wait, wait, wait. You had multiple ties? I thought…
‘Depeju: Ah, he had multiple ties oh. Flings ni repete.
Akintunde: Like I said earlier, I was really searching for where my soul would fit with…
‘Depeju: Oshey, soul search.
Akintunde: It was the search that brought me into her DM. It was the search that led to the phone call, and that phone call did it for me. But I had to pass through many places before landing my queen. Some of these ‘ties’ were in different stages of being, and it became expedient to go and remove myself from them all.
How did you tell your ties that you wanted to end things?
‘Depeju: Don’t come and form that you did it gently o.
Akintunde: To be honest, I wasn’t really talking with these people, so it wasn’t difficult to end things. I ghosted some and found a way to scatter things with others. I’m sure some of these people are still very mad at me, but they should not vex, please.
So did you start making wedding plans after the call?
Akintunde: What plans? Someone that I later blocked.
‘Depeju: You would think since we knew we were going to marry each other, it would be all lovey-dovey. But no. A few months later, when we started getting to know each other, I told myself, “Ahhh, this is a mistake o.” I knew I had entered one chance.
Ahan, what happened?
‘Depeju: We had so many differences, especially in terms of ideologies and our outlook about life. One major problem was our age difference. Akintunde thinks like he is in his 50s. And well, not to put the whole blame on him, I was childish about some issues too. One time, we had a fight and instead of talking it out with him, I subbed him on my status. You should have seen the way he erupted.
Started talking about, “Are you a child? You have an issue with me, you should talk to me directly.” He went on and on like a father scolding his child. It was then I knew I was in a relationship with my daddy.
Akintunde: I just feel if you have issues with me and you say I am the love of your life, come and tell me. Not throw a mini pity party.
‘Depeju: And another thing: I like evening outings, but for my 50+ man, as soon as it is 6 p.m., his own day outside is over.
Akintunde: You sef. Why do you want to start going to the cinema by 10 p.m.? Nigeria is dangerous, please.
‘Depeju: Oh, and once, we had a big fight one afternoon. That’s how my dude blocked me. He doesn’t like me to call him ‘dude’ by the way. We once had a fight about that too. He wanted to know why I would refer to him as ‘dude’.
Akintunde: Call me by my name when we are fighting. Call me baby in peacetime.
But really though, what was the blocking about?
‘Depeju: Honestly, I can’t remember all the details again. I just know he left me a long list of messages ranting about how he couldn’t take it anymore, how I’m not giving him peace.
Babe, do you still remember?
Akintunde: I think you subbed me on your status after a fight and wrote, “People change”. And I took it personally. Like, won’t this one stop subbing me on her status?
How long did the block last?
Akintunde: I think it was up to 4 days or so.
‘Depeju: After he blocked me, I reached out to a mutual friend of ours and told her we had ended things. The first thing she asked was, “Did you two end it formally?” I said no, that he left a long ass message for me and blocked me. She said I should call him to make things formal, so that one party would not assume that we are done while the other party thinks it’s just a break. I agreed to call him so I could end things officially. The moment I heard his voice, I started crying.
At first, he was forming. He said, “Ehn, it’s not as if I wanted to block you, it’s because I am tired of the way you’re behaving blah blah blah.” That day, we ended up talking for like 4 hours. After that, everything changed. We started making compromises, stopped fighting and started talking about things.
Akintunde: So, technically, the real romance began after “The Second Phone Call.”
How long were you together before you decided to make it official and forever?
Akintunde: 2 years.
‘Depeju: Oh, by the way, this man never popped the actual, “Will you be my girlfriend?” or “Will you marry me?” question. He just told me, “I want to date you and not just date you, I’m here for marriage.” And when it was time, he simply went to meet my mother with his family and decided on a wedding date in my absence. Man was a real 50+ man with enough ego to power Nigeria’s electricity. I’d ask him and he’d say, “Will I now kneel down and be asking will you marry me? Shebi we know we want to marry each other already?”
Akintunde: You won’t let this matter die a natural death. I have said I will propose during one of our anniversaries.
But if it counts for anything, I called her one New Year’s Day and said, “Let’s get married this year na.” At that point, I was completely convinced we had to get our asses married.
The second phone call played a large part in this. Like I said, that was the beginning of the real romance. And seeing as we both seemed very sure of each other and were doing this lovey-dovey thing very well and dealing with issues between us with more understanding and sense, there wasn’t really anything further to check.
‘Depeju: And me too, I was completely and irrevocably in love with him. So even though I already had my ideal proposal in mind, when he called me to say, “Let’s get married na,” I said, “Yeah, let’s do it.”
How has married life been?
‘Depeju: Omo. I have no words, because awesome does not even describe it properly. If there’s something more than awesome, that’s the word I’ll use.
Akintunde: It has been really really really good, to be very honest. Let’s not deny God’s goodness. I’ve enjoyed the different phases and moments, and day after day, I am glad I saw that picture of her and was bold enough to send her a DM.
‘Depeju: And I’m glad I didn’t air you because you looked jobless.
What’s the best part about being married to each other?
‘Depeju: Ah, on this, I could write an epistle o. Because there’s no single best part. From the way he’s intentional about loving me, to the awesome communication, funny moments and all. If I’m to really pick a single best part, then I think it’s the fact that I get to wake up every morning and see the love of my life beside me.
Akintunde: For me, it’s knowing I have this woman in my life. There’s this feeling like it’s a piece of something that found its place/niche. Think of a dovetail joint. Fitting so neatly and cleanly. Without fuss. And this makes every other thing we do or experience so beautiful.
‘Depeju: And yeah, he’s the writer in the family so he tends to describe things better than me. Show off oshi. But for real, I am grateful for the love Akintunde has brought into my life. It’s incomparable and beyond measure. And I am grateful for our child too. We are now parents.
Aww. Tell me about that.
Akintunde: I have come to realise that I’m the cool dad and she’s the mean mom.
‘Depeju: About this, AK said I’ve embraced motherhood more than ‘wifehood’. Also, I’m not mean, he’s just the happy-go-lucky dad. He wiill let that minion get away with murder if he can.
LMAO. How’s romance like with a child in it?
‘Depeju: We have been compromising. We are not allowing the baby to ruin our romantic life completely. After I had the baby, we’d take walks, drive somewhere and just park there and be with each other for hours. We also picked a day of the week to have to ourselves only.
It’s not as easy as it was before, but we’re taking it a day at a time and making deliberate efforts not to let go of our life for the baby. We had my mum with us for a month, and after that, we got a nanny.
Akintunde: A few months ago, we had this getaway planned. The baby with her nanny would go spend the weekend with my parents. Babe and I would get out of the house and go spend the weekend somewhere else. Have a good time. Go pick them up after two days.
First thing babe said after I told her we’d be taking the baby somewhere else away from us, “What will I now be doing?”
Ogbeni, you will be doing me!
I’m screaming. Tell me, what do you love the most about each other?
Akintunde: ‘Depeju is perfection. She has a way to make everything in your life be in their right or appropriate place.
‘Depeju: I love Akin’s kindness. I’ve always thought that my mum was the kindest person I knew until I met Akin. He’s always being kind and a blessing to everyone around him. There was a time he was supposed to send me money for something. But this was back when we used to have our fights, and we were in the middle of a fight. Obviously, we were not talking to each other, so I didn’t expect anything.
He sent this money and told me we’re still not talking but that didn’t mean he shouldn’t do what he’s supposed to do. When he did that, I made up my mind that even when we’re fighting, we can still be kind to each other.
How do you both resolve conflicts when they come up now?
‘Depeju: We talk.
Akintunde: Yes, we talk. We have this saying: “Conversation is our superpower”, and so, no matter what happens, we have decided we’ll always leave the door for conversations open.
‘Depeju: We can spend hours resolving little fights because we talk about everything and anything. We also make decisions together. If I tell you no, and you go behind me and ask him, the answer will still be no because there’s every probability that we’ve talked about it.
Akintunde: Also, we look out for each other. We see parenthood as a shared responsibility, and this has been really helpful to us as parents. That way, no part of the journey wears one or both of us out.
‘Depeju: To be honest, we have just started the parenting journey, so we can’t say we’ve made parenting work until the child turns out not to be a crackhead.
Akintunde: My child will not become a crackhead, please.
‘Depeju: No nau. Just a weirdo, like you.
Is there anything you’d love to change about each other?
‘Depeju: I wish Akintunde will arrange his things in a more orderly manner. One shoe might be in Kaduna, the other in Kano.
Akintunde: At least they are both “K”. Me, I wish ‘Depeju would have a less sharp mouth. Ah.
‘Depeju: LMAO. But I don’t insult people nau.
Akintunde: Not to their faces. It’s me that will hear everything.
‘Depeju: You’re not serious.
How would you rate the relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?
‘Depeju: Omo! O ja scale.
Akintunde: It’s just how my madam has said it. This love is too big to measure on a scale.
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