Looking for ways to enhance the taste of your food? Well, look no further! With these six random items, the taste of your food will definitely improve.
1) A plate that is also a bowl
Eating food from a small plate with a deep center elevates the taste of any dish. Flat plates makes food bland.
2) Eating with a fork
When you eat with a fork, you’ll take smaller portions into your mouth per time. That means you’ll be able to savour every sensation and revel in every single flavour. You’re giving your tongue time to actually taste the food, unlike shoving everything down your throat with a spoon.
3) Air Conditioner
When the air from the air conditioner is cooling your brain, you can process the taste of food better. Imagine eating hot food in a hot room? Life no suppose hard like that.
There’s this thing chefs do that they use gold when making their food. Since you don’t have gold, you can place stacks of dollars beside you while you eat. With riches come more dignified taste and the ability to appreciate the finer things in life.
5) Eating from the pot
If you don’t know where to get a bowl that is also a plate, then we suggest eating from the pot. Eating from the pot brings out the best part of the food, as you’ll feel closer to the flavours. Especially if it’s jollof rice.
There’s no sweeter taste than the defeat of the people that conspired against you. Something about preparing your table in the presence of your enemies. But if you can go one step further to bottle the tears of your enemies and sprinkle them on the food you’re about to eat, expect a tantalising delicacy.
As an anime fan, if you choose not to join any group chat full of Nigerian anime fans, I understand. Those people can frustrate your life with the most foolish conversations and ruin your day with the silliest takes. Here are picks of the nine most annoying types of conversations that go on in every Nigerian anime group chat.
1. “Who is stronger than who?”
You don’t know hell until you’ve witnessed people having this conversation every day. And the answer to this yeye question is none. No one is stronger than the other, hell sometimes they aren’t even from the same universe, so these comparisons make no sense.
We get it. You’ve spent half your life watching Naruto and now it’s all you can talk about. But here’s the truth: there’re lots of anime series that are better than Naruto. Try dey open your mind sometimes.
3. “Sakura is useless”
Are you even in an anime group chat full of Nigerian men if they don’t bring up this conversation every day? Never mind that she proved over and over that she was just as good as her overpowered teammates. Even if the earth were to be split into two, you’d still find someone typing this in the group chat.
No one wants to wake up to see 100+ wallpapers on their phone, but if you are on an anime group chat, you’ll eventually have to get used to this nonsense. Sha save the ones you like.
5. “Best fight scenes”
These conversations would be fun if they actually brought up good fight scenes that don’t involve Naruto. Can’t take you seriously if everything you love about anime comes from Naruto.
6. Comparing Marvel or DC characters to anime characters
Again, how? In what universe or multiverse will they ever get to exist at the same time? Why must you pitch two bad bitches against each other? Hell, they don’t even speak the same language. And no, Superman will not beat up one punch man.
7. “Best anime villain”
The only reason this conversation is annoying is that people will talk about villains like Madara and someone will come and say Frieza. That’s enough reason to swear for someone until you remember that it doesn’t even matter because the 14-year-old protagonist is going to defeat the villain anyway.
Using ladies and gentlemen is outdated and excludes trans/non-binary folks. It’s also such a boring way to start a speech but, if you use any of these, you’ll instantly become cool, possibly funny but most importantly, language inclusive. You’re welcome.
1. “Humans and non-humans”
Every day in the news, someone is turning into a bat, a goat or a cat. Best to just respect all parties involved before they come for you in the night.
Tap into your inner 60+,/retired professor/family friend energy to use this greeting effectively. Pick the time and place for this one sha, because if you use this at a birthday party or in a club, them fit stone you shoe.
3.“people/peers/colleagues/associates/ everyone”
This one is giving millennial, because if I call someone my colleague, it’s an insult. No I will not be explaining further, but it’s inclusive and therefore valid. Here’s to millennials saving the day.
4. “Cherished friends and tolerated acquaintances”
If you use this, you’ll instantly establish yourself as a funny or at least an interesting person. Bonus points for randomly giving people moments of existential crisis and making them question their place in your life. Life is no fun without a little chaos after all.
5. “Friends, family and enemies”
It’s not a gathering of Nigerians if your enemies aren’t disguising among your well wishers. If you have the power to call them out, why won’t you take it? When you do, sha send us videos of the fight that happens after.
Because while there may be gentle ones among us, nearly everybody is mad in this country, and what better way to represent them? Let everybody figure out who is gentle and who is the agbero on their own.
7. “Hi besties!”
You get to sound Gen Z kind of cool. Everyone feels comfortable around someone that calls them bestie. It’s not gendered, so it applies to anyone and can be used in any context.
As a Nigerian, your favourite street food says a lot about you. Every recruiter should ask for your favourite street food in their hiring process because someone that likes kuli-kuli will be difficult to work with, for example. Why would you like to suffer on purpose?
1. Suya
If Suya is your favourite street food, you’re a generous person because that’s the only reason why you’ll like something that no one lets you enjoy in peace. Everyone always wants a bite.
2. Kuli-Kuli
You’re a strong head. Also, wicked. How can you just casually like chewing something as hard as human bone, with a straight face? Your future ambition as a child was to become a civil servant — the kind that makes you wait at the reception for the whole day, only to tell you to come back in a week.
There’s no reason why beans should be fried, but if it’s your cup of tea, I guess. Unlike the Suya lovers, they share out of the kindness of their hearts and not because they’re forced to. Akara lovers are kind people that aren’t kind to themselves and that’s okay.
4. Bole and groundnut
The only way to eat plantain is soft. Bole is never really soft. Let’s also talk about how people who like it either have a choking kink or are one impulsive thought away from hanging onto the back of a danfo for fun. Please, try to choose life.
5. Boiled corn and pear
If you like boiled corn and pear, your tastebuds sabi. Corn was not created to be burnt. People who boil corn have a heightened palate. They also like avocados and think they’re better than everyone. They’re not wrong.
You get easily peer pressured. I get it, puff-puff is tasty and as a Nigerian, life can be pretty tough. It’s easy to choose the sweetest option, but at what cost? Half bottle of oil in your mouth with each bite? Come on.
7. Abacha
There’s something very scary about a person who risks their life eating a meal that may harm them if not cooked properly. People that like Abacha live life dangerously and I have to stan.
8. Ewa agoyin
Not the one you buy in a restaurant for ₦10k; the one those Togolese women hawk in small iron pots for ₦50 per scoop. If you like ewa agoyin, you’re definitely a minister of enjoyment and your life’s motto is “here for a good time”. Please, show us the way.
As a queer person, the best thing that can happen to you is finding a community that cares about you. That’s why when people create those random queer whatsapp group chats, there’s always a rush to join. It’s all fun and games until at least four people annoy everyone and people stop texting.
1. The activist
These people are such a gift. They stay reminding everyone about important queer dates and happenings. They’re always ready to answer questions or ginger people to learn more about queer theory. Grateful for their existence, tbh.
Everyone and their mums have a crush on them. As soon as they join the group chat, everyone goes to their Twitter burner accounts to talk about how fate has brought them to their doorstep and how they can’t breathe. Wahala for who no famous.
3. The single person looking to find love
As soon as a new member joins the group chat, you’ll see them flirting almost immediately. The funniest part is that they never actually find love, but it’s interesting to watch them try. Must be nice to be that bold sha.
4. The person who keeps planning hangouts
The only thing they talk about is hanging out 24/7. It’s sweet and all, but “outside” is expensive and exhausting, please, so maybe don’t make people feel bad for saying no. When the hangout happens though, it’s always memorable — the kind that makes you feel good for a long time.
5. The queer person abroad
It can be a little lonely being in a country so far away, where no one understands your struggles as a queer Nigerian, so it makes sense that they’ll join Nigerian queer groups like these. But they don’t know how much hope they give us still living in Nigeria when they send pictures of themself living so loudly queer and free.
Do you have secrets? Good for you, they know it already. They know all the tea and they don’t mind spilling it on a whim. While this makes people cautious about what they say around them. But gossip doesn’t always mean harm.
7. The person who knows everybody
They’re friends with everybody you can think of. If you want to interview someone, just ask them. If you have a crush on someone and you’re too shy to message, ask them for help or an introduction. They’re the solid plug for everything.
8. The pick-me
These ones stress me out. In what sane world would it make sense to understand your oppressor’s point of view? Arguing with them can be so pointless because they’re so set in their ways. I hope they heal sha because wtf!
9. The close friends
These guys were most likely friends before they got into the group or at least Twitter mutuals. They’re the life of the group, bringing up games and fun topics, arguing playfully or insulting each other while everyone is asleep, but they keep the group active and that’s what matters.
Being a K-pop stan in Nigeria is hard work that we actually love. I mean, what’s not to love about people who take their time to create wonderful music for their audience? Inject it. However, there are some struggles that almost make us lose morale; like when your favourite group does a shout out and forgets to mention the Nigerian fans — e dey pain, but we dey gallant. If you can relate to any of these, you deserve one small glass of soju.
1. Learning Korean because the subtitles aren’t accurate
Nigerian K-pop fans can relate to how much it sucks when K-pop groups release original content without English subtitles, which means you have to either start learning Korean or go consult with the great Duolingo owl for an interpretation. On the bright side, you can now speak Korean if you ever get to travel.
Every K-pop fan knows what it’s like to die a little inside when you check your favourite group’s merch and find out it’s expensive as hell. What’s even worse is that some people ship it to Nigeria and proceed to sell it at 10x the original price.
3. You might never attend a concert or fan meeting
With how expensive in-house flights cost, not to talk of flights outside Nigeria, we’ll support our favourite groups by watching their videos and cheering. Because what else can we do?
4. People think that you are weird
People make fun of you for spending your time listening to music in another language, and you’re always catching stray bullets on Twitter. What they don’t understand is that a K-pop group probably saved your life at some point. You can’t help but stan.
5. You feel bad about not getting as much recognition
You might make videos getting people to stream their music, comment under their posts, and talk about your favourite group to anyone that cares to listen. But when they give their fans shout outs, the Nigerian fans are usually forgotten… It sucks sha, but we move.
6. You have considered making a DIY photo card
You’ve spent a lot of time on Pinterest and have considered just printing their pictures on paper and laminating it because the actual photocards are too expensive. Don’t worry. We are not judging you.
7. You spend all your data on YouTube
You are way too busy watching all their interviews and reality shows to be on any other app. You don’t get enough sleep because you use the YouTube night bonus to download them in bulk. The struggle is real.
8. Making peace with the fact that your favourite group or solo artist will never tour Africa
Even if they perform in Africa, it’ll most likely be in South Africa. And except you are earning a comfortable salary or have parents that care about your interests, there’s no way you’ll be able to attend.
9. Paying an arm and a leg for the “Korean experience” in Nigeria
Just because you want to experience Korean food, they’ll almost empty your bank account.
Middle kids are the most underrepresented demographic in the sibling industry. How many middle child memes have you ever seen? These five Nigerians had a lot to say about being a middle child in Nigeria.
Ik, 34
Honestly, there’s nothing special about being the middle child. It’s almost like no one expects anything good or bad from you because they don’t see you. When you’re a royal fuckup like me, you learn to appreciate people’s lack of expectations for your life. Also, you get to fail as much as you like without feeling the pressure the firstborns feel. It also helps that I grew up in a pretty comfortable family.
You can drop out as many times, start new businesses that don’t work out and never move out. You hardly have friends because most of your friends are your older siblings’ friends or your younger siblings’ friends that hung out with you growing up. But it’s harsh realising this in your thirties.
Nothing fazes you until you look back at your siblings’ lives and see how well they have it and how established they are. They’re married and they have kids, but it’s just you as a single father, still living with your parents, hustling for two. But it’s fine, things never really work out for us middle kids like that. My time will come whenever that is.
Daniel, 10
My mom always makes me wear my [older] brother’s old shoes and old clothes, but they used to be new for him, and my [younger] sister always gets new things. Every time I have sweets and snacks, I’m the only one that always shares it with them. They don’t share sweets with me. Sometimes I even have to celebrate [my birthday] when my younger sister is celebrating, and I don’t even know why.
My parents always blame me for everything that gets spoiled or broken in the house, even when it’s my sister that did it, just because she’s too small. That’s why I want to go to boarding school like my brother so that nobody will be sending me errands or blaming me again. My siblings always fight and put me in the middle and they never allow me to watch my shows. It’s not fair. I only like being the middle child when my brother goes to school and I’m the firstborn for a short while, but then he comes back every time.
Tunmise, 19
Being a middle child can be nice but it can be hell, too. You get treated as a child sometimes and get treated as an adult as well.
When my older siblings beat me, my parents are on my side, especially my dad, even if I’m at fault, but when I do the same to my younger siblings, it’s always my fault. I can’t feel wronged because they support me too even when it’s my fault.
All my life I’ve never really caused any trouble. Everything with me is just always different and low-key. I like it. I’m not really in the spotlight, neither am I really in the background. I love it so much that I’m not the firstborn. Because the firstborn is there, I can skip responsibilities. I’ll most likely get away with not getting married since they have other children of either sex.
I’m also the child that has never really been at home as much as my other siblings. When I was younger, I used to think it sucked to be a middle child because I didn’t get a lot of special treatment, but now that I’m older, I love all of it. And if there’re any extra benefits of being a middle child, I’ll accept them with my full flat chest.
Denise, 18
You always have to give up something for your other siblings, especially when you’re just three. You always end up as the “understanding” one that doesn’t need a new school bag and doesn’t complain.
People always forget you exist. People always remember to get things for your older and your younger siblings, but you? Never. No one ever calls my mum “Mummy Denise”. it’s always my older sibling’s name or the last born’s — never mine. It sucks.
If the firstborn is a fuckup, it’s on you to be better and step up. You always have that at the back of your mind. The only upside is that you can get away with a lot of things because you’re invisible, anyway.
Sorry, but if you do any of these things you are the cause of Nigeria’s problems.
Questions
This is a question
Tick all options you relate to.
You got #{score}
Nigeria needs more people like you. If we had more like you, then we wouldn’t be in the mess we are in now.
You got #{score}
You’re not necessarily the cause of the problem, but you’re helping aid it. Change your ways
You got #{score}
Why are you the way you are? Because the way you are is influencing the way Nigeria is and that’s why we’re having fuel scarcity in 2022.
Growing up in Ibadan means that you’ve heard people talk about the brown roofs, superior amala and general slowness of Ibadan people (we aren’t slow, we’re just not in a rush, leave us alone.). Anyway, this article is from someone who grew up in Ibadan to everyone else who grew up in Ibadan. Enjoy the sweet nostalgia.
I’m breaking this article into two parts because I’m part millennial and part gen-z
Ibadan for the millennials
1. Agodi Gardens 1.0
Before there was the Agodi Gardens we have today, there was the really nice and serene one. The one with trees and a lake that everyone liked to visit. We like the new Agodi Gardens but the millennials remember the OG.
2. Waking up to loud preachings from churches or mosques
You’ll wake up at 7 am in the morning and your ears will be battling to differentiate one sound from the other. I wonder if all those messages made Ibadan people religious. If you grew up in Ashi or Akobo, we’re sure you’re familiar with this. How’s your relationship with God?
3. Buses that will tear your clothes
These buses had sharp corners that would tear your clothes and tear you to pieces if they could. Actual, moving rusted iron pieces. Buses going to Sango and Beere were the most notorious.
4. People speaking Yoruba to you wherever you go
Ibadan people’s first instinct is to speak Yoruba to you, even in formal situations. They always expect you to either speak or understand Yoruba.
5. Ibadan people’s bad mouth
Don’t accidentally offend an Ibadan person because you’re going to hear what you’re not ready to receive. Ibadan people always have an insult ready at the tip of their tongue, the most popular one being ode.
6. Almost everyone in Ibadan knows themselves
I lost count of how many times I got stopped by random people to tell me whose child I am (I have my mother’s exact face, but that’s not the point). Almost everyone in Ibadan knows themselves or knows someone that knows you.
7. Trans amusement park
RIP to the original Trans Amusement Park. It sucks what eventually became of Trans Amusement Park, we hope it gets revived someday soon. The ice cream and all those cool rides. I went to Trans Amusement Park a few times and I still remember how fun it was those few times.
8. Trains/railway lines that actually worked
Yes, we know you’re going to say trains are back and functioning again, but we actually had trains that weren’t only for interstate travel.
9. People constantly comparing Ibadan to Lagos
Please, get out of our face with that silly comparison before we open our eyes. Lagos people always have a reason to compare Ibadan to Lagos like we Ibadan care.
10. Random Yoruba person telling you “Kini so”
Just tell another Yoruba person you live in Ibadan and they’ll start shouting “kini so” 😐. Always disturbing our peace for no justifiable reason.
11. BCOS Christmas party
BCOS is a national and state treasure, but BCOS Christmas parties are a treasure of their own. Every BCOS Christmas party walked so other Christmas parties could run.
12. Rite Choice
Leaving your house to play games at Rite Choice was a weekend right choice. Everyone was welcome at Rite Choice.
Amala Skye isn’t young, but it’s still young enough to be a major memory for any gen-z who grew up in Ibadan. Skye bank is no longer in existence, but Skye lolo remains a national treasure.
2. Secondary school parties in Koko dome and Cotton’s club (now GQ, Bodija)
If you went to ISI, Maverick, OBMS or any of the cool kid’s schools, you surely went partying in Koko dome. If you didn’t go to any of these places, you either had strict parents, were a dead guy, went to a dead school or all three.
3. Salt n Light Camp
Torn between sharing these with the millennials because I know people who went to Salt n Light camp who’re expecting their 6th and 7th child. Salt n Light camp was the coolest religious camp, a really great experience for teenagers.
4. Micra drivers honking for no reason
One time, I told a Micra driver to stop honking unnecessarily and he decided to honk his horn from when I complained until he dropped me. He even made a rhythm with the horn. That’s how silly Micra drivers are in Ibadan.
5. Heritage Mall (Circa 2013)
You can’t mention growing up in Ibadan as a young person without mentioning Heritage Mall. I feel shy whenever I remember the day Shop Rite opened in Heritage Mall, anyway, that’s one of the peculiarities of being an Ibadan person.
The only things certain in this life are taxes, death and these eight types of people you’ll be lucky to meet at a queer event.
1. The are-we-here-for-the-same-event? people
No. The answer is always no. So what if it was supposed to be a casual event? These ones always look like they just came back from a fashion show, with their two-piece outfits and fancy boots. Never to be caught unfresh.
2. The overly friendly gay man
He talks to you like he has known you for years, which makes you feel warm and welcome,especially if it’s your first queer event. He’s most likely going to introduce you to people you’ll keep meeting everywhere until you become friends. You won’t find him after that because he’s too busy hopping friend groups.
3. The 30+ lesbians
Technically, they’re never really 30+, they just behave that way. They sit together like old men in a club, but when they get wasted? That’s when the party begins.
4. The baby gays
You can always spot them in the crowd. They’re either too hyped or quiet as fuck, looking as gay as the eyes can see. You’d behave any of those ways too if you finally found your community after….
5. The mom friend lesbian
They don’t even have to be your friend or know you. They’ll just walk up to you and ask if you’re doing okay and how you’re getting home? Legit the sweetest set of people you’ll ever meet as a baby gay in a queer event.
Home? What’s that? These guys live for the next thrill. They always know the right places to go and the next happening event. Their energy needs to be bottled up and sold because how do they do it?
7. The ones bonding on the floor
Wherever six or nine queer people are gathered, four people will bond over trauma. If you pass by them, just walk away because as soon as you sit down, it’s about to be filled with tears and feelings you didn’t come to a party for. It does feel good talking about it in a safe space, though.
8. The couple
Wherever you find one, you’ll find the other. They’re like rainbow magnets that always find their way back to each other. They’re cute to look at, though. Especially older couples. They just give people hope.
