Do you think the world revolves around you and everyone else are spectators? Well, you might be the main character. Take this quiz to find out!
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As the pound rate rises, we need new and innovative ways to keep up. Learning to vomit pounds is simply the first step in creating generational wealth, and we’re here to teach you how.
Vomit naira first
When it comes to vomiting foreign currency, you first need to learn how to vomit the local one. If you can’t vomit naira, how will pounds pass your throat?
Go on a diet
The pounds needs space to grow in your stomach. If your stomach is full of foods like semo and fufu, where will the pounds stay?
RELATED: How to Do Money Ritual in a Way That Pleases God
Lubricate your throat
Pounds is not easy to vomit, so your throat needs to be well lubricated. You can ask a Yoruba man what he uses to lubricate his mouth before he lies. Maybe it’ll work for you.
Swallow all the things used to print money
If you swallow the paper, ink and other materials for printing money, it’ll mix in your stomach, and when you vomit, you’ll vomit pounds. This is simple logic. Just shake your body after swallowing all these things so they can mix properly.
Become an intern for an ATM
What vomits money better than ATMs? Nothing! That’s why if you want to become skilled in the art of pounds vomiting, you should study how an ATM operates. You need to learn from the master.
RELATED: Just Imagine: If ATMs Could Speak
Never close your mouth
They say a closed mouth is a closed destiny, and they’re right. If your mouth is constantly closed, the poundss can’t come out.
Swallow pounds
If you swallow pounds, the seed will germinate in your stomach and you’ll vomit even more than you swallowed. If you need help with this act, find the snake that swallowed ₦36 million. It knows how swallowing currency works.
RELATED: Interview With Dollars: “I’m Too Sexy for This World”
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Nigerian women apologise for various ridiculous reasons, and we’re tired of it. These nine things are particularly more ridiculous than most, so don’t apologise for them. Everyone will be fine.
Taking up space
No matter what capacity you’ve chosen to take up space in, do it with your full chest.
Giving instructions
You’re someone’s oga. Why are you apologising for telling people to do their job? Do your bosses apologise when they tell you to work? No? Exactly.
Not having makeup on
You were not born with highlight on your nose and blush on your cheeks. There’s no reason why you should be apologising for walking around with the face you were born with. If people have a problem with it, they should remove their eyes.
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Resting because of cramps
Your period will come whenever and however it wants, without regard for your plans. It inconveniences your the most, so why apologise because you need to rest because of the pain? You weren’t created to withstand pain. Rest and don’t feel bad about it.
Having unlaid edges
If edges needed to be laid 24/7, we’d have been born that way. Why should you apologise for the hair that grows out of your head?
Not wanting to start a family
It’s alright to live a life alone. If that’s what makes you happy, why should you apologise for it? It’s not like the people hounding you to get married and have children will pay for any of it or deal with the stress for you. They should get out.
RELATED: 7 Questions Nigerian Women Absolutely LOVE to Be Asked
Asking for better
Be it in relationships or work, if you deserve better, don’t feel bad for asking for it. You know your worth, so you shouldn’t apologise for asking that other people see it too.
Choosing yourself
Your happiness is more important than whatever people expect of you. If they don’t like the life you’re living, they should leave you alone. You do not owe people a life that causes you discomfort and unhappiness.
Not knowing how to cook
Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you were born with a spatula. Everyone should rest.
RELATED: The Passive-Aggressive Ways Nigerian Women Show They’re Annoyed
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Everyone hated having to wake up early on Sunday morning. Sunday school was either our heaven or hell, depending on if you memorised last week’s memory verse. Since it’s Sunday school teachers appreciation day, we want to recognise the different types of Sunday school teachers who made Sundays so… eventful.
The bougie one
This Sunday school teacher was everyone’s fave. She never punished and always had the most incredible church songs. All the kids loved her and felt safe telling her about anything they struggled with. She’d always make you feel like you’re on the set of one of those kids’ shows like Barney. She genuinely believed in every single kid and made them all feel special. Her kids were always the best Sunday school kids, and everyone wanted to be their friends.
RELATED: QUIZ: Only People Who Paid Attention in Sunday School Can Score 11/15 on This Quiz
The one you hate to love
This Sunday school teacher was super strict, but everyone wanted to impress them for some reason. they’d give like 20 assignments, and people would never forget to do them because they were terrified of what they’d do. They werealso the type to use every free time to teach valuable life lessons or play games like sword rule. they’d scold parents for bringing you to church late or beating you.
The temporary one
The newcomer in church who didn’t know where they wanted to belong yet. Kids mostly took advantage of their naivety, telling them there was no memory verse the week before, and they’d never argue. Of course, they never last long in the Sunday school department. It’s usually more tedious than they signed up for.
The guy
In every Sunday school department for kids, there was always “the guy”. There could never be more than one of them at a time. He was usually young enough for the kids to want to be his friend but old enough to marry the woman in the ushering department he’d been dating for two years. He always used modern-day analogies to teach kids, to make them feel seen, and always promised to buy the best student expensive gifts — sometimes, he did. Hard not to like him TBH.
The party aunty
The youngest teacher, nobody actually knew what class she taught because she was everywhere. All the kids wanted to be her favourite, but she somehow loved everyone equally. She always came up with the best choreographies and funniest drama skits. She was also responsible for those rare Sundays when they bought biscuits and drinks kids liked instead of Cabin biscuit.
The oldest old-school woman
Her Sunday school classes were always boring, and she gave assignments, but thankfully, always forgot about them. She was probably a teacher before she retired and used Sunday school to relive her glory days. Ask yourself if you remember one topic she taught, and the answer would be no.
The one everybody hates
As soon as it was their turn to teach, everyone would start groaning. They never smiles and doesn’t make or take jokes. You’d somehow copy seven pages worth of notes, and they always wanted to mark it. They gave the hardest, most introspective notes, and the worst part? They didn’t even know that people hated them, including the other teachers.
The purity culture queen
Every Sunday school group had one of these. They always worked with teenagers and would always tell stories about how they were bad kids back in the days, pursuing boys, smoking and sneaking out. If they didn’t turn every Sunday school lesson into a purity culture session, they’d probably be sick. They’d be so cool if they tried, but you couldn’t really hate or love them because teenagers hate being told what to do.
The one who flogs and punishes
This one was just the evil spirit of Sunday school teachers. They always held a cane, especially for their own kids. Every Sunday, they’d appear with a new cane. All they knew how to do was remind the one everyone hated that they gave assignments and the one everyone loved to hate that they told people to memorise Psalm 91. God, abeg.
RELATED: 17 Things Anyone Who Has Ever Been To A Nigerian Church Will Completely Understand
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I love how anime watchers are a mix of different and exciting people these days.
There are the ones who never let us forget that they watched older shows like Sailor Moon, Dragonball, and Yu-Gi-Oh. The newbies probably started with Tokyo Ghoul, Dororo, Demon Slayer or Fire Force.
The elitist
If you hate that you like anime sometimes, it’s probably because you met some of these people. They believe in gatekeeping anime and are always ready to mock newbies. They’ve seen every anime ever made, and no matter how great your favourite anime is, it’s immediately mid to them. Why? Because they said so. Lord help you if you mistakenly tell them that you watch English-dubbed anime. They think they have the best taste and every conversation you have with them ends in an argument.
RELATED: Why Watching Anime With Nigerians Is Always Hilarious
The newbie
They’re so innocent, always asking for recommendations and watching everything. They don’t argue because they haven’t seen enough shows. These ones still get shocked when they stay awake till six in the morning watching anime.
The indie watcher
The indie watchers think they’re better than everyone else because they don’t watch mainstream anime. They kind of are, to be honest. If they recommend an anime, chances are, it’ll be very artsy but good.
They become a little overbearing when you tell them you’ve seen an anime they’ve watched. The next thing it’s, “It wasn’t even that good”, “ I sha watched it first” or “I don’t even like it like that”, because God forbid you have good taste.
The casual fan
These people pride themselves as the most unproblematic types of fans, and they are. The causal fans have seen every popular anime, a bunch of indie anime, and at least one old anime like Sailor Moon just because. They don’t care about the subbed or dubbed discourse. Wetin concern them? They’re big fans, but their whole personalities don’t revolve around anime. They think anime fandoms are a little problematic, so they’re always observing from a distance, and I don’t even blame them.
The cosplayer
Not only do they love certaincharacters, they also want to live them out physically. They spend so much time detailing their outfits and rewatching the shows they like to master the mannerisms of the characters they want to cosplay. They’re almost as wholesome as the newbies, and it’s nice seeing them be so enthusiastic about what they love — when they’re not over-sexualising a character’s outfit.
Picture credit: Eko anime fest.
RELATED: Anime Cosplays Even Broke Bitches Can Try
The serial monogamist
If you’ve never met one of these people, you don’t know what God has done for you. They are almost as annoying as the elitists because how have you only seen one anime and somehow think it’s the best? I’m talking to you Naruto lovers, and it’s always them. They know everything imaginable about the one show they like, and that’s about it. They’re only fun to be around if you enjoy their favourite show.
The former fan
We get it, you’re older, and suddenly, anime is childish to you. Peak cinema, to them, is every bad series about someone breaking out of prison or some weird obscure psychological thriller. For people who claim to hate anime a lot, their entire personality is the fact that they “Hate anime” and think that “Anime is for losers”.
These kinds of bad vibes make people miserable; just saying.
The Seiyuu nitpickers
These types of fans make you feel like you’re a terrible person. What do you mean you can tell that the same person voiced Dabi from My Hero Academia and Zenitsu from Demon Slayer? They even have a favourite voice actor and know every character voiced by that person. Watching anime with them can be annoying; you’ll hear complaints that the voice acting doesn’t fit the character. Okay boss, go and do it and let me hear word.
The Manga readers
These people usually mind their business and read their manga whenever a new chapter drops. You barely hear from them until they watch the anime of whatever manga they’ wee reading, and then it’ll bes everybody’s problem. They’ll complain about how one thing is missing from the source manga, spoil characters’ deaths for non-readers and boast about how the fights were better in the manga. Every small conversation ends with them saying, “Just read the manga.” Okay na, I don’t want to read. Come and beat me.
The Activists
Say all you want about them; they are my favourite types of anime fans. They are criticising problematic aspects of anime culture, like the fetishisation of women in anime with ginormous boobs, the lack of strong female leads in anime, how Attack on Titan is every imperialist dream, etc. They’re by far my favourite types of fans because it’s about time people called out all these things.
RELATED: Everything That Happens When You Watch Anime Illegally
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For many young Nigerians, especially those with strict parents, moving out and gaining your freedom may be the only legit thing to look forward to in adulting.
But what happens when, for whatever reason, you have to move back in with your parents after getting a taste of freedom? And no, I’m not referring to the fake one where you move out for university but your parents still foot your bills.
I’m talking about moving back in after you’ve lived in the real world on your own. Are there changes to the relationship dynamics? I asked five people who’ve experienced this, and got interesting responses.
“I’m this close to breaking down”
— Fatima*, 29
I got separated from my abusive husband around December 2021 and moved back in with my parents (I’m still with them). My dad has been really supportive — he was the one who encouraged me to choose my life over marriage — but my mum is a whole other issue.
She doesn’t outrightly say anything, but I can tell she wishes I’d stayed with my husband. She’s steady dropping passive-aggressive hints. I work from home, so I’m always with her too. If I stay in the study for more than 30 minutes, she’ll start murmuring about how she’s the only one caring for the house, or how idle hands always cause trouble.
I’m honestly tired. I’m currently trying to save up as much as possible to rent my own place before I lose my mind.
RELATED: 6 Nigerian Women Talk About Having Strict Parents
“I feel closer to my parents”
— Daniel*, 32
I moved back in with my parents four months ago, after I was forcibly kicked out of my apartment because I owed rent. I had just lost my job, and finance was really tight. I struggled to share it with my parents, but they eventually found out and basically forced me to move back home.
I thought it’d be awkward, but it’s actually been great. My parents relate with me like friends — I guess this is because I’m now an adult — and they respect my space. I’m slowly getting my finances together and should get another place soon, but it’s not been bad.
“They respect me more”
— Olaedo*, 27
I moved back in with my parents in 2020 just before the lockdown, because I wanted to spend that period with them. The short stay eventually became somewhat permanent when I got laid off, and I eventually got another job close to my parent’s house in 2021.
I’ve noticed that they respect me more. They don’t police my decisions, and they seek out my input on important matters. The only side effect is, my mum wants me to get married tomorrow.
“Black tax wants to kill me”
— Gifty*, 26
I decided not to renew my rent in 2021 because my roommate got married, and I couldn’t afford it by myself. So, I had the bright idea to move back in with my parents and cut costs for a while.
Omo, it’s hard. My parents see me as an adult, which is true, but it means they expect me to provide for the house. I know I’m supposed to help out, but not to this extent, biko. Plus, I have younger siblings. Do the math.
“I feel like a part of their marriage”
— Dayo*, 27
I returned to Nigeria in April [2022] after spending six years in the UK, and decided to stay with my parents for a while.
It’s cool and all, but it suddenly made me realise their marriage isn’t as perfect as I thought it was. Now when they have issues, they take turns reporting each other to me, expecting me to take a side. I guess they feel like I’m old enough to take it, but I’d rather not be involved.
Subscribe to the SHIPS newsletter today for more stories that touch on everything about love, romance, sex, and basically every human relationship.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
NEXT READ: 8 Solid Ways to Become Your Parents’ Favourite Child
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If you get more than four on this quiz, you’ve been spending too much time on TikTok.
I don’t want to be a mechanic, I want to be a______
I’ll be a fool to go back to my________
This time around, it was_
The mother that mother my mother mother_
The pressure is getting________
Remember the lord is________
Of course I fucked up, who never fuck up_____
Bitches come and go, bruh_______
Thank you my darling_______
Good girl no dey___________
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Disclaimer: We do not support piracy
As an anime fan, people will never truly understand the pains and struggles you face to find the perfect place to watch anime. But I get it.
Here’s everything that happens when you watch anime illegally.
When it’s English-dubbed, even though it’s labelled “English-subbed”
You don’t know heartbreak until this nonsense happens to you. You’ll finally find the anime you’ve been looking for, it’s clear and you’ve passed through all the pop-up ads. Only for the theme song to finish playing, and the most Asian-looking face starts speaking the worst American accent. It’s to go and sleep. One day for the thief, innit?
RELATED: QUIZ: Plan the Perfect Weekend and We’ll Suggest the Best Anime for You
It somehow always chooses the worst scenes to hang
We don’t talk enough about how anime disgraces us. If I had a dollar for every time I had to explain to someone that nothing weird was happening in whatever anime I was watching, it just stalled at an odd-looking scene, I would have enough to pay to watch anime legally. I need a support group, please. I’m sick of defending myself.
The fake invites from milfs to “come over”
Sometimes, I wonder if people actually click those links. Like, ma’am, I’m a focused person, please. I came here to watch animated characters shout out their attacks so their opponents can win easily. I’m not here to find love.
Only finding the chibi version of the anime
One day, this will be my 13th reason. I can’t count how many chibi versions of anime I saw when I first started watching anime. I have nothing against chibi anime oh, just give me the one I asked for first, and then, maybe I’ll come back for this version when I’m bored. I can never unsee the chibi version of Dazia from Bungo Stray Dogs trying to commit Suicide.
When you can’t find the anime is on the site because they didn’t use the English title
Sometimes, I wonder if this anime obsession is worth all the suffering I go through to watch something that’ll probably break my heart. Who randomly knows how to spell Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku wo! in a hurry? If you do, this is not a safe space for you, please.
The “You can’t last 10 seconds in this game”
Okay, but did I come to your site to play one yeye game? I came to watch anime, so why are you asking me to put my card details? Also, why do they think we won’t last? Do they know our capabilities? How do you come to that conclusion on a site where people watch hundreds of episodes of a show at a go? Mtceww, unserious people.
When you finally find the anime, and there’s no subtitle
It’s shit like this that makes most anime fans learn Japanese. If this hasn’t happened to you at least twice, how does it feel to be God’s favourite? This is the final boss and where I usually give up because anime will not kill me for my mother, abeg. Nonsense and rubbish.
Let me just come and be going
READ ALSO: I Observed an Anime Group Chat for Two Days. Here’s How It Went
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As a Nigerian, it’s okay to ask your friend if “dem they crase” as a joke. These simple everyday phrases are so normal that they might want to slip out at work. No try am sha. That’s where we come in. All those insults you want to throw at your boss? Here’s how to turn them into corporate speak so you don’t lose your job.
You sure say your head correct so?
You self look am, you can think it, but you can’t actually say things like these in a proper workspace. Not like that, at least. Dust that dictionary and change it to something sweet like: “Can you confirm that we are both mentally aligned….” You have to be coded with these things.
RELATED: 15 Things That Are Too Real For Any Nigerian Who Hates Their Boss
Who ask you?
Nobody is indispensable oh, so before this jumps out of your mouth. Take a deep breath and say this instead: “Kindly inform me where your input was requested in this matter”. This one self get as e be. They might still give you small query, but we move, innit?
How e take be my problem?
Everyone has that coworker from hell whose primary duty is to stress you with their problems. The next time they ask you if you’re available to work on something last minute, instead of letting your village people use you, say this instead: “I understand the urgency of your situation. However, I am unable to prioritise it over my current task”. They’ll always think you’re nice for even replying.
Una no dey pay me for this one
See, I understand. Sometimes, the frustration dey choke. People will pay you ₦50k to work 12 hours, five days a week, and still call to ask you to work on the lord’s day. That ₦50k no dey hold bele, but it’s better than nothing, so say this instead: “These additional tasks are an expansion of my role. Is there a plan to review my role and compensation to reflect them?” English sweet die. Last last, they will either increase your pay or double the work. The heart of man is desperately wicked.
You dey talk nonsense
“I am struggling to understand what you’re communicating”. It’s that simple. It’s not even choosing violence because if you do rubbish based on the nonsense you didn’t understand, you might get fired.
Who send you message?
For every one Nigerian in existence, there are 10 billion busybodies. Check the Zikoko bureau of statistics if you don’t believe me. Sha, some people like to overdo, and while it’s okay to say, “Who send you message” to your work bestie, these busybodies always take things personally, so try this instead: “Are you certain you’re the appropriate person to execute this task?”
You dey behave like evil spirit
“Are you familiar with the occult? Because sometimes, you exhibit occultic traits”. But as you are saying this one, clear your table just in case. In fact, maybe get a new job in another country two months in advance, make evil spirit no spoil your hustle.
READ ALSO: 5 Ways To Deal With Your Boss Spiritually
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If you’re no longer sure what direction your relationship with your friend is going, here are seven signs to look out for that’ll let you know the relationship is coming to an end.
They almost always ghost you
They keep leaving you in the middle of conversations. If you check your text threads, it’s always you trying to reach out and heal the communication gap. It’s because they’ve already cut you off.
RELATED: How to Be a Good Friend as an Adult With a Busy Life
They start telling people your business
They no longer value your friendship, so they don’t feel compelled to keep secrets you tell them. Anyone and everyone is privy to your business.
There are gaps in information between you
You’re struggling to fill in pieces of information on the timeline of their life. It’s because they no longer tell you when important things happen to them. You’re out of the loop.
You struggle to hold conversations
On the few times you find a chance to link up or talk, you find it diffcult to talk about anything because you’re both overthinking what to say. It no longer feels natural.
They’re always trying to one-up you
Whenever you tell them something about yourself that makes you sad, they try to bring up something in their life to make you feel like your problems are not all that.
They’re always unavailable
Whenever you reach out to them for a chance to hangout, they’re suddenly unable to. It’s because they don’t want to spend time with you.
You constantly make excuses for them
Because they’re totally unavailable to you, you tend to cover up for their behaviour when you eventually get to spend time with them.
RELATED: Sunken Ships: Our Friendship Ended Because of My Childishness
