1) Appetisers consisting of soft Cabin biscuits and undiluted Tasty Time.
The biscuits were soft because they’d been set out in the open for long and the juice was undiluted because fuck diabetes.
2) Candy so strong it’ll break a few of the children’s teeth.
In the absence of rock hard candy, there was always candy so sugary that it rot their teeth instantly.
3) A fucking terrifying clown
I don’t understand how children like this shit.
4) People cosplaying as severely malnourished/strung out versions of popular cartoon characters.
Barney the Dinosaur was the common one.
5) Dancing competitions where the kids dance to absurdly explicit songs for a chance to win worthless prizes.
Children would stomp the yard and each other (these things always involve small violence) for the grand prize; A Maths Set.
6) Terrible pictures of all the kids.
Have you ever tried holding a child’s attention during picture time? The worst.
7) Party packs full of even more useless stuff.
Goody Goody, Barbie pencils that snap in half if you hold them with more than two fingers, a glass pencil sharpener, etc.
1. Those fucking mascots
These things were definitely not there to entertain us. They were there to punish us for every evil we’d done in the past. What the fuck?
2. People that forced you to dance
Pls I don’t want to dance
They’ll drag you out with all the kids and force you to dance to P.Square’s “Roll It” while making sarcastic remarks about your dancing abilities.
3. Those creepy adults
They’ll walk up to you and start asking you all sorts of questions like “You’re big now, what are you eating?” or “Do you remember me?”, like please just leave me along if you’re not giving me money please and please.
4. “Pimps”
They’ll randomly start pairing you with a guy/girl your age and saying “Look at your girlfriend”. Like bro I’m 8.
5. Uncles that didn’t give you money
Imagine doing all that dancing and nobody sprays you money. Wasted day. Wasted energy.
It’s the festive period and you want to have as much fun as you can handle. That pepper dem song should have had your name on it but no worries, you plan to create a new song for yourself while you’re having a lit December.
But the only blip on your radar at the moment is limited funds, truth is your income is not as big as your spending goals. So you’re thinking of the best way to manage your funds and still have the best time of your life. Well, we’ve got some tips for you:
1) Know what you want:
There are so many events that will clamour for your attention this month, from concerts to mini get-together’s, festivals, office parties, family hangouts and so much more.
The key to getting the best experience is to know which one would be the most fun for you to attend, as well as being cost-effective. This is where the scale of preference you learned in secondary school comes in, choose wisely. Do you really want to go to yet another dinner and award when you could be rocking it at a concert with your favourite artistes? That’s up to you to decide.
2) Buy tickets on time:
Early birds get the best worm. You don’t want to be biting your finger in regret when you hear that you could have gotten a ticket at 50% off if only you had bought it the week it came out. Don’t let your procrastination have you coughing up more funds than you can afford.
3) Go out with friends:
This is a smart move if you’re on the precipice of being broke. Aside from the fact that you get to hang out with people you love, you also get comfortable fessing up to your homies that sharing the bills is the best thing for you at the moment. So, carpool, share a meal, buy group tickets, do group funding. This way, you won’t end up broke AF in January.
4) Organise house parties:
Instead of lying in your bed wondering why brokeness has made you this way host a party at home and invite your friends. This will reduce the cost of a venue and you can tell everyone to chip in with their option of snacks, foods, and drinks if those are limited too.
Don’t forget to get a boom box blasting with your favorite songs and encourage your friends to bring someone new to the fold, you just might meet a new bestie this way.
5) Revamp your clothes:
So you want to buy new clothes at the boutique but do you remember that fab outfit you bought months ago which you refused to wear because the moment wasn’t right? Now is the time to wear it.
You could also get new accessories to go with those cute jeans and tee that haven’t seen sunlight in eons.
6) Go to street carnivals/festivals:
This is one way to have fun if carnivals are up your alley. Find out what’s going on in your area, which artiste will be performing and what date and time the carnival will kick-off. You might want to check up on the security levels and go with trusted friends if you choose to attend.
7) Have a cash reserve:
Have backup cash that remains untouched, come hell or high waters. You can party to your heart’s content when you know that you’ll still have something left to survive on afterward.
Imagine what fun it’ll be for you grinning like a Cheshire cat when everyone complains of how broke they are in January and you can say with your chest that you took a wise move during the holidays and saved up something for later.
1. When another event comes up and you have to think of what present to buy.
2. When someone says you should stop buying boxers and singlets as gifts on valentines day.
3. When you need to buy presents for a teenager.
4. When all the things your parents like are expensive.
5. When everyone says “it’s the thought that counts” but still abuse the presents you give.
6. When people say you should put thought into a gift and not just give money.
7. When you mistakenly regift a gift to the person that gave you the gift.
1. When you have to start thinking of guest list.
This is worse than homework.
2. When the food and drink vendors start calling all sorts of stupid prices for you.
Do I look like Dangote?
3. When you have to clean the whole house before the party starts so your guests don’t think you are a pig.
Wahala on wahala on wahala.
4. When the food vendors are late and guests are already arriving.
It’s not me but my enemies these ones are trying to disgrace.
5. When the DJ is playing rubbish jams and people look bored.
Does this one know his work
6. When someone breaks something in the house.
Noooooo!
7. When people start asking you for different things and you have to run up and down.
So stressful!
8. When uninvited guests start trooping in because they are mannerless!
Why are you here?
9. When your crush comes for the party but meets someone else there.
Ah!
10. When someone starts giving instructions like it’s their party.
Na wa oh!
11. When the party is over but people are refusing to leave.
Na wa oh!
12. When everyone has finally left and you have to clean up by yourself.
Am I Cinderella?
1. So I went for a party a few weeks ago.
Fun times!
2. To catch some fun and dance away my sorrows.
It’s necessary oh!
3. I had just bumped into my ex boyfriend a few days earlier.
Wretched guy!
4. And not only was he looking happy and relaxed, he even had a new girlfriend.
Imagine!
5. Needless to say, I was in need of cheering up!
As a matter of necessity!
6. Anyway, the party was grooving.
Nice one!
7. The music was popping.
The DJ must have studied DJ-ism!
8. The drinks were flowing.
9. My make up was on fleek!
I was too hot to handle!
10. All of a sudden a sexy voice said in my ear “hello you look nice”.
Could this be the start of something new?
11. I almost shivered and died of excitement but I had to compose myself.
I immediately had to form big babe!
12. I said “thank you” in my “fine boy is talking to you, you better compose” voice.
Very sweet voice!
13. We danced to a few songs.
Obviously this man wants me to have his children!
14. And whispered and giggled to each other all night.
Sweet love is in the air!
15. Then I realised the time was far spent and I had to go!
Wow! Is this where it all ends?
16. So he offered to walk me outside to my taxi so he could get my number!
Thank God!
17. As soon as we got outside and the light hit him, I froze!
AH!
18. No it couldn’t be!
Say it isn’t so!
19. Ah! yes it was!
Ye it is oh!
20. I just shouted “Senior Emeka so it’s you”.
Can you imagine?
21. This almost romantic encounter of mine used to be my senior in secondary school!
Look at life!
22. He would send my friends and I to fetch his bathing water and wash his clothes.
Imagine all that stress!
23. He even used to take our meat and plantain sometimes during lunch and dinner!
That’s why some of us are so short! No protein!
24. Now he was asking when he could see me again.
See who?
25. Before he realised what was going on I pulled his lips and knocked his fat head.
Foolish fellow!
26. That was for all the suffering he put me through in secondary school!
He deserved worse sef!
27. Then I hopped into my taxi and left while he was wondering what exactly had just happened.
Bye bye!
28. See you again in your dreams, Senior Emeka!
Because every day for the thief, one day for the owner!
1. How you arrive at the wedding ready to fight for your souvenir rights.
Ready to die on the line if need be!
2. You trying to figure out the seat that increases you souvenir-getting chances
Maybe close to the exits so as they come in with the goods, they see you.
3. When you see the souvenir distribution mafia (a.k.a the aunties) coming.
Give me what you got!
4. How you make eye contact with souvenir mafia members:
I got my eyes on you ladies.
5. When an aunty walks past you with some souvenirs.
Hello ma how far?
6. When you realise there are different levels of souvenirs.
Some get iPad, some get bottle opener. Wowee!
7. When they give everyone on your tables souvenirs but not you because no aso-ebi.
Is it good?
8. When you wear aso ebi, the souvenirs keep coming like:
Because I am one of them!
9. When you have to choose between waiting for souvenirs or being on the dance floor.
Serious decisions!
10. When you see some people packing more than one of each souvenir.
Is that how you people used to do?
11. When you see souvenirs without owners on the table next to you.
All is fair in souvenirs and war!
12. When you can see people judging your souvenir hustle.
Please don’t use your own to come and spoil my own.
13. When you make eye contact with a fellow souvenir hustler.
Hello my fellow hustler!
14. You carrying all your souvenirs home:
“I didn’t even carry too many things oh. Just one or two items.”
15. How you feel when you got all the souvenirs available.
Success is me and I am success.
1. When they tell you to dress up and you say you don’t want to go.
Better go and wear cloth.
2. You, waiting for you parents to now get ready:
Hian! On top party I don’t even want to attend.
3. When you go 3 hours late and you’re still the first family to arrive.
What the hell?
4. When the only people there are your parents’ friends, so you just sit in a corner like:
Why am I even here?
5. When they make you greet every single adult there.
See assignment.
6. The food they give you vs. The food they give them:
Is it fair?
7. “You better eat now, because I’m not cooking when we get home.”
Can’t come and carry last.
8. The only part of the party you looked forward to:
YES LORD!
9. Your parents, when they are spraying money vs. Your parents, when you ask them for money:
Na wa for una.
10. When your parents force you to stand up and dance.
Ugh! Am I the entertainment?
11. How your dancing intensifies when adults start spraying you money:
Shake it for the cash.
12. When they start using you to brag:
Uhm. Actually…
13. When they pack leftovers from the party and make you carry them.
Hay God!
14. When they say “we are going home” but they already said that 2 hours ago.
CAN WE GO?
Have you ever attended an owambe and felt you did not enjoy it? You probably did a couple things wrong! But don’t worry we made a list on how to boss an owambe properly and thank us later.
1. Pick your outfit two months before
You sure do not want to have to do this too late. Picking the right outfit for an owambe is a vital key. This is where you choose to go with either the aso ebi or go neutral.
2. Get your Aso-ebi and give your tailor two months before
Another synonym for undependable is nigerian tailors. Give them two months in advance and pay for express. You sure don’t want to be the odd one out on that day when everyone is dressed in the “uniform”. Don’t be the different person.
3. Make sure you arrive slightly late
Relax on your punctuality standards for this day. You want to arrive roughly sixty minutes after the event has started. Everyone has to see you make an entrance with your squad.
4. Get the attention of the praise singers
You know those talking drummers outside? Give them about N500 and make them drum behind you till you get to the entrance. What a grand entry. Now you’ve been noticed by the guests, servers and maybe celebrant.
5. Never forget your IV
You get to the entrance. Never leave your IV at home. If it’s a strictly by IV owambe you will want to put it inside your cap or your handbag two days before. What’s the point of it all if you can’t get in?
6. Choose a seat close to the middle
Research shows that, the servers are always instructed to start serving from the middle. Why? Because that is where the closest relatives are seated close to the podium and celebrant. You get served among the first people with the best food and drinks.
7. Tip one of the waiters
Once you spot a waiter that is “shining eyes”, tip one of them and this will guarantee a constant flow of food, drinks and anything that is served during the event. Everyone has a price.
8. Ensure people see you greeting the celebrant/main focus
You sure do want to appear in the official photos, and let everyone know you didn’t beg for an invite or force your way in. Make sure people see you laughing with the celebrant(s). More cool points added or photo for an Instagram post.
9. Never take malted drinks first
Number one rule: never do this. You drink a malted or carbonated drink and you get filled up with gas. It’s the caterers trick so you don’t eat too much. Drink water instead save enough space for the food.
10. Don’t take photos of your food please
Please, don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t go looking like a nuisance raising your phone to take a food photo at a party. It drops a huge chunk in cool points. Is it your first time, eh?
11. Don’t sit down when its time to dance
This is one of the fun parts at an owambe. When the Dj starts dropping those fire tunes, make sure you bring your shoki, shakiti and favorite dance steps from wherever and drop them. Tip: Have a few drinks first for maximum fun.
12. Never leave early
It is standard, the party really does start at the time when it says it will end on the IV. That is when the dance floor gets heated, the remaining food gets put out and the best drinks emerge. You don’t want to miss this part for anything!
