Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 34-year-old heterosexual man who’s been married for half a decade. He talks about racking up a body count of over 350 in his 20s and how things have changed since he settled down.
What was your first sexual experience?
I grew up as a church kid, so I was team ‘virginity until marriage’. All through secondary school, the occasional hug got me so excited. Whenever it happened, I would feel like I was eating the forbidden fruit. Yes, I’m still talking about just hugging.
It was a lot. I even remember ending a relationship because we kissed. I think I was in SS1. I kissed her and for like two weeks, I was riddled with so much guilt. I just had to break up with her.
Wow. What happened after secondary school?
You know how this story goes now. I entered university and started rolling with “bad boys”. That’s also the period I realised I was conventionally attractive, so I started making out with a lot of babes.
The first proper sexual experience I had was getting head when I was 17. It was with a babe I had met on hi5. That’s the moment I realised this thing I had been running from was actually sweet. The next year, I had penetrative sex for the first time.
Were you still religious at this point?
I would say yes, but I was already halfway into rebellion. So, I still prayed and read my bible, but it wasn’t uncommon for me to go straight from the club on Saturday night to my church on Sunday morning, complete with a hangover.
I remember praying for forgiveness A LOT.
So, what was penetrative sex like for you?
I won’t lie, it was disappointing as fuck. Since I had initially planned to save myself for marriage, I was expecting my first time to end up being some kind of magical, almost cinematic moment. It wasn’t even close to that.
It happened after I went out with a bunch of friends. Couples were pairing up for the night, and the last people standing were me, one babe and another guy. I was still dulling, but the babe just got up and told the other guy to be going to his house.
After he left, she led me into a room and brought out a condom. I didn’t tell her it was my first time, but it must have been clear that I didn’t know what I was doing. After like three thrusts, my boner disappeared and we ended up gisting for the rest of the night.
LMAO. Ah. What happened next?
Literally the next morning, I went on the internet to research everything I could about sex — from positions to foreplay. I gave myself time to prepare. It was like all those action movie montages where the hero is training for a rematch after getting brushed.
Don’t kill me. How long did you train before your “rematch”?
About a month or two. The next time was much better, but there was a catch: I didn’t come. In fact, I had sex about 10 more times with three different partners before I had an orgasm.
Yup. I would just keep thrusting until I lost my boner.
Were you even enjoying the sex?
Do I know? At that point, I was foolishly measuring my enjoyment by how many rounds I could do. So, I can’t tell you whether I was actually enjoying it. All I can tell you is that I was feeling myself because I was “beating that pussy up”.
So, when did you eventually orgasm from sex?
It happened when I met this older woman. I was 20 and she was 25. After we’d had sex twice, I confided in her that I thought I might be impotent. She helped me unpack my entire approach to sex, which was really me just treating it like a competition.
She taught me to focus on mutual pleasure. I’ve never forgotten that. She was the first person I had an orgasm with. We stopped hooking up after she got married, even though she was engaged when we met.
Seriously? That wasn’t an issue for you?
Nah. I even hooked up with a few other married babes. Honestly, I had a pretty wild run in my 20s. You know how they say once a good person goes bad, they basically fly off the deep end? That was me.
Just how wild are we talking here?
Guy, I was a bastard. I slept with about 350 women, both at home and abroad. I lived in multiple cities where I was the token black guy, so I ended up giving a lot of white women their “black experience”. I know it’s dumb, but I was really doing the most.
When did you cool down?
The older I got, the more exhausting the whole thing became. So, I eventually decided to focus all that energy into my work. By the time I met my wife, I’d been out of the game for a little while. I was ready to enter the next level of maturity.
So, what’s your sex life like now these days?
LMAO. What does that even mean?
I heard this joke that pretty much sums it up. If you put a coin in a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of marriage, and then remove one every time you have sex in the second year, you’ll still have a full jar.
That being said, my sex life isn’t actually bad. Considering the fact that we’ve been married for over five years and have two kids, I think it’s safe to say that we are not doing terribly in that department.
How was it when you first met?
We lived in different cities when we were still dating, so whenever I travelled to her city, there was this sense of urgency. We’d have sex non-stop. We only took breaks to eat and drink water. Then we got married and both decided to move back to Nigeria.
We were still having a lot of sex for a while. She got pregnant within the first year.
How often would you say you have sex now?
On average, we have sex once a week. Moods permitting on both our parts, but mostly hers. Thankfully, we’ve gotten into a rhythm where we try to have sex consistently enough to keep the passion alive, even though it can feel a bit too scheduled.
Once in a while, when I do something nice — like randomly send her money or buy her a shoe she was eyeing — I know I’m having sex more than twice that week. That also applies to random small gestures too, like sending flowers or visiting her at work.
Is once a week enough for you?
It was tough at first, but I’ve learnt to accept it. Sure, I could do with more, but I’m not complaining. Every now and then, I do get more. Sometimes we reach three times a week out of nowhere, and I’m like, ‘Wow. Look at us.’
Does scheduling take the passion out of it?
Yeah. It definitely does. Especially when we outrightly discuss it: “No let’s not have sex today, let’s do it tomorrow.” In those times, I’m just like, ‘Is this what it has turned to?’ Still, I just take it like it is.
Sometimes, I’m the one that’s not in the mood to have sex. I can imagine 25-year-old me laughing his ass off, but yeah, that’s my reality now. These are just some of the things that happen when you get older.
Can’t imagine that having kids makes it any easier.
It really doesn’t. Sometimes, we’ll be cuddled up in bed, ready to get it on, and one of the kids will just burst into the room. I’ll just be there thinking, ‘I love you, but can you geddifok?’
Has there been a conversation about spicing things up?
Yeah. Well, while I was gallivanting in my 20s and putting my dick into every hole I could find, I was my wife’s first. So we are not on the same experience level. I’ve been trying to add sex toys into the mix for a while, but she’s not really into it.
I definitely can’t suggest anything like a threesome because she’ll stab me. She’ll poison me and stab my dead body. I don’t mind though, I think threesomes are overrated. I’ve explored enough for one lifetime, and our sex is pretty good as it is.
Oh wow. You were her first?
Yeah. Sometimes, I even tease her that she doesn’t know what she’s enjoying because she doesn’t have any other experiences to compare it to. I think sex is as much a talent as it is a skill, and I’ve had A LOT of practice.
Does she know about your wild past?
Yeah, she knows most of it. The ones I can remember at least. She doesn’t hold it against me. She even used to tease me when we were dating that I was the stereotypical bad boy who found a good girl to settle with.
Do you ever miss that time in your life?
Nah. I think I’ve had my fill. Sometimes I do wonder how different things would have been if I was still as wild, but I don’t miss it. Maybe it’s a 30+ thing, but I just care less about doing a lot of the excessive things I was doing in my 20s. I’m very content.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
A 6. It’s not a fail, but it’s not a score to pat myself on the back over either. Speaking to my married friends, I know that I’m in the top half when it comes to frequency. Maybe when the kids grow up and need a little less attention, we can get our groove back.
What if you have another kid?
No, abeg. I’m probably getting a vasectomy this year.
Well, that shit is pretty much permanent. So, yeah, probably.