Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a lesbian in her early 20s who, after many trysts with boys, discovered her sexuality when she got to university. . After one traumatic sexual experience though, she’s now terrified of sleeping with women.
When did you have sex for the first time?
It depends on what kind of sex you’re asking about. In my head, there’s oral sex, there’s penetrative sex, which can be broken down into vaginal sex and anal sex, then there’s fingering, masturbation and more.
Ah. I see. So what was your first sexual experience?
I was doing some pretty weird things when I was a teenager. I was in boarding school, and we had access to porn because we had personal laptops. I explored with boys in my class. It was often in class, while the teacher was teaching, or in an uncompleted building after lights out. Handjobs, blowjobs and rimming. I used to lick their buttholes like tomtom — I find it absolutely disgusting now, but then I actually liked it. I even tried to finger a few boys in the ass a few times, but they never quite liked it.
I never let them kiss me sha.
I was just following what I watched in Pretty Woman. In addition to that, I wasn’t attracted to any of them.
So why were you doing it?
I was called a weirdo for doing absolutely nothing. I was also bullied for it. It felt like I was excluded from a lot of circles, so I wanted to do my own thing. We were 25 in my class, and there were about 6 classes in my set. Before the end of JSS 3, I had done something sexual with all the boys in my class and at least half in every other class. But never seniors, because even then, I was hyper aware that my agency wouldn’t exist.
So what happened next?
I kept at that for a long while, then in SS2, I think, I tried anal sex with a new boy in my class. I didn’t want to have vaginal sex because of pregnancy. I knew anal sex was going to be painful, but I was like, “Isn’t that what all the white women are doing? Us here that we’re used to pain and suffering nko?”
How did it go?
It failed. I didn’t know that lube was important to make the process seamless. The guy too, ode, he didn’t know anything. So he forced it in and it was painful. I told him to bring it out quickly. I didn’t know when I started speaking Yoruba.
Omo, I was so scarred by the experience that I just went back to normal handjobs and all.
Had you kissed anyone at that point?
Nope. Weirdly. Someone forced me to kiss him when we were having oral sex and I was like, isn’t it enough that I’m kissing your dirty penis, you now want me to kiss your mouth? I don’t count that because it wasn’t consensual.
True. When did you eventually kiss someone?
University, and I had just discovered that I liked women, not men. Which is interesting because that was about the time I started taking my faith seriously and started covering. It started slowly, but by mid-first semester, I was already wearing a hijab. Discovering religion is a story on it’s own. Things were falling apart and it began to feel like it was my fault.
Sha, sha, that’s how I used to have serious religious discussions with this babe who was my course mate. And one day, we were lying down side by side on her bed, and she began to trace lines on my skin. Everywhere on my body lit with serious fire and goosebumps. I had never experienced anything like it. She didn’t even start from my face. She started from my thighs and worked her way up. When she kissed me, I kissed her back; I liked it a lot.
We started dating immediately, but I was still very conflicted about the entire thing because I had been with boys and those experiences didn’t do anything to me. Being with her did a lot to me. I started to realise that there were friends from secondary school I had crushed on but dismissed as nothing more than girl-on-girl infatuation. Whatever that is.
So how did you realise your sexuality?
There was no defining moment for me. From that time on, I just explored every attraction I had with a woman even if it meant that I was cheating on my babe sexually. Before I knew it, I wasn’t dating any men. I was definitely not emotionally attracted to them (men), not to talk of sexually.
So when did you have sex for the first time?
In my third year, I started dating someone new. I’m a bit picky with emotions. So even when I was cheating on my first girlfriend, I knew there was nothing there, that the emotions and feelings were with my girlfriend and the side chicks were just side chicks. We broke up after she found out I was cheating. I was yimu-ing because I knew she was cheating on me with an Alfa in our class, but let me not get into that.
I had a criteria for my new girlfriend. She had to be Muslim, with zero interest in men. I wanted us to commit to each other, not just date for dating sake. I wanted us to leave Nigeria immediately after university. That was my plan for whatever relationship I entered. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out.
Let’s start with the sex.
The sex mid gan, let me not lie. I just didn’t know how mid it was. I just knew it was so mid, I used to dread having sex with her. I could do all the other things with her, just not sex. Then I cheated again. Oops.
I cheated because I just had to know what I was missing. It was with an older woman, sugar mummy material. I had real orgasms, and I was wowed by the explosions I felt. In fact, it was at that point I probably realised that there was no way my body was built for men.
The next time we had sex though, she passed out.
I was so scared – I imagined she had died. I didn’t know what to do. Eventually, I splashed water on her face and she stirred. That was when I knew that she was at least alive. Still I was scared, imagine getting caught like this (naked) in the process of asking for help? What do I say we were doing? It was my girlfriend I called for help.
We got her to the hospital and she was fine. Luckily, no one suspected that we were anything other than relatives.
What did they say was wrong?
She’d overdosed on something.
Did this experience affect you in any way?
Well, my girlfriend broke up with me — actually, she just ghosted. After that, I wasn’t interested in sex or casual dating for a while.
When I did try to have sex about a year later, I just couldn’t. I was so scared that the babe was going to pass out. I started crying in front of her. She was irritated with good reason – after all I said I’d do to her. So now, I just stay away from sex. God will not let them koba me.
You’ve not had sex since then?
Nope. I’ve done every other thing but sex. I’m dating now oh, but I’ve told her that I’m not ready to start having sex right now. She understands, but she’s saying therapy. Mama, it’s me that doesn’t want to have sex again, nothing is wrong. I guess.
Do you miss it?
Nope. I just want to be doing gently for now. What if I get to therapy, become “fine,” then have sex and something happens to my babe? Abeg.
Life is more than sex if we’re being serious. I masturbate and my babe and I do other things. Sometimes, I think I can go my entire life without sex. Let’s be looking. And don’t ask me how I rate my sex life, please. Oral sex is 10 even though it’s mostly me pleasuring my babe — I’m a bit scared to be touched. Masturbation is 10, but my overall sex life? Let’s just be thanking God.
Are you still religious though?
Yes now. Who do you think is helping me through this tough time without premium orgasms?