Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who rarely has sex. She talks about almost getting married to an ex boyfriend who betrayed her trust by cheating on her multiple times and how this experience shaped her interest in sex.
What was your first sexual experience?
The first time I did anything sexual, it was sex with my boyfriend. I was 16, and we had just started dating. He came over to my house when my parents were out of town. My older siblings were in the house, but they were in their rooms — they never really bothered about me. My boyfriend and I sat in one of my dad’s cars and had sex.
What was the experience like?
It was bittersweet. There were moments when it felt like he was reaching deep into something, and I felt an interesting sensation going through my body, then other moments where all I felt was pain. He wasn’t very gentle, even though it was both out first times. I bled and felt really sore afterwards. I told my sister — though I was freaking out about telling her — and she casually told me to use a condom next time. That was all.
What were your expectations of sex before this experience?
My expectations matched my experience. I expected it to be painful and disgusting, and it was. The only thing I didn’t expect were those moments of sweetness.
I’d always wondered why people had sex because it’s so ew. Then I started dating, and it felt only natural to have sex.
You hadn’t had a boyfriend before this point?
Nope. I was chubby in my first year in secondary school. Nobody really liked me. People would say mean things to me, like I have body odour because I’m fat or I’m ugly. It affected my self-esteem. Then I started losing the fat — not even deliberately — and suddenly, everyone wanted to be my friend. I basked in it because I had never been the cool, slim babe before. That was really how I started dating my ex. He was a cool guy, and I was becoming a cool babe.
Okay. What happened after the sex?
More sex. We started at the same university, and he got an apartment outside of school. I would go there during the weekends, and we would have sex in every position: the bathroom, the kitchen, the verandah at night. We went out on dates as well, but the sex was a big part of how we spent our days.
Was the sex better?
Sometimes it was. Sometimes, it wasn’t. He prioritised his pleasure before mine. I doubt that he cared if I orgasmed or not, but I performed to his tune and gave him what he wanted. The times when it was good, it was mostly accidental, like if he accidentally hit a certain spot, and I made him stay like that for a while. If it wasn’t convenient for him, he did what he wanted.
Doesn’t sound exciting.
It wasn’t. In university, I was a JJC, so I didn’t say anything. I also didn’t talk to anyone about it. We continued having rubbish sex and pretending to be the perfect couple in the world. Then one day, I think in my third year, he asked me why I was frigid.
He said I always just lay there doing nothing. That was a lie. We didn’t always lie down. We did all kinds of positions, and I even acted like a pornstar in some of them, but that didn’t seem enough for him. I took it in good faith sha — it was feedback.
Tell me about porn.
Watching porn is a recreational activity for me. I’ve been watching it since I was 12/13. I discovered my brother’s porn magazine stash, then his CDs and was hooked. I stopped watching it for a while when I was religious in secondary school, but I continued when I started dating just so I could impress my boyfriend.
But he wasn’t impressed.
Nope. And neither was I with him. The dissatisfaction with our sex life actually led me to masturbation. I would put on a good black porn clip, maybe women-on-women action and I’d masturbate. I’d give myself several orgasms and realised what he wasn’t giving me. But did I leave him?
You tell me.
Nope. We finished university, and I was still with him having mediocre sex. Worst part is, I wasn’t interested in having sex every single minute of our time together. He was. Left to me, we would go an entire weekend without having sex.
Once when we were serving, I brought up “spicing up our sex life”, and he said, “It’s about time.” Implying that I was frigid and the sex with me was bad. I was so angry, so I told him, “Oga, you’ve never made me orgasm. Not once in the five years of our relationship.” Boy was he mad. He asked if I was lying; I said I wasn’t. He said he’d do better.
Here’s where it gets interesting. We were not living together at the time. We lived in separate states for NYSC, but we visited each other regularly. After this conversation, we didn’t see each other for a while. When we did see and were about to have sex, he told me that I had lied about him not givng me orgasms.
He said he slept with two women and made them orgasm several times. One of them even said she’d had the best sex of her life. I was stunned by the audacity. Normal men would be hiding the fact that they cheated, but this one cheated and came to tell me in order to prove a point.
We fought. It was our first real fight. The first of many.
You had never fought before?
Not really. Apart from minor squabbles. The relationship wasn’t all bad. He was really kind to me in other areas, like with money, studying with me and helping me out generally. We loved each other. But when it came to sex? He thought only with his dick and had an ego the size of a mountain.
Yikes. How did the fight get resolved?
I was pretty much done with him, but he begged me to take him back, that he would never do it again, that he was just really insecure. As a stupid 21-year-old, I believed him and took him back.
Did the sex get better this time?
He seemed to try a bit harder this time, investing in foreplay and oral sex. I really enjoyed those. Gradually, it got better, but I told myself he would never be as great as my fingers or a dildo.
Fair. So what were the other fights about?
After his confession, I wasn’t sure I could trust him and would monitor his activities on social media — he’d met the two girls he slept with on social media — and read his messages anytime he came over. He saw that I couldn’t trust him and would always make it a big deal, instead of trying to win his trust. The older we got, the less we fought. We both got jobs and were busy with life. Sometimes, we wouldn’t even have sex for a month. But when he proposed to me, I said “yes”.
How old were you?
23. Everyone expected us to get married, so we decided we would. I convinced myself that we had a lifetime to figure out trust and sex, so I wasn’t bothered.
We even started to get close again. We moved in together and started to try sex in risky places. It wasn’t exciting sex, but that feeling of coming back together and sneaking around to have sex was great for us. Unfortunately, this didn’t last long. He became messy.
Someone would text me to leave her boyfriend alone. Another would text me to say she’d had an abortion for him.
He was cheating on me throughout. My instincts were not wrong.
What did you do?
I was too scared to break up with him. Our families had met for introduction, and we were about to do the traditional wedding. I didn’t tell anyone. Not even him. I just simply blocked their numbers and never responded.
Yikes. How did it make you feel?
Depressed. I had been with this guy for about eight years, and he was cheating on me? Who could I trust then?
I’m sorry. What did you do?
I went ahead with the traditional wedding, hoping the messages I got were prank texts. I read his texts one time and didn’t find any evidence of cheating. In fact, I saw a text where he was telling a babe to leave him alone. I stupidly thought that the people he messaged me were trolls or something. But my spirit wasn’t settled, and I kept on having nightmares about it. And so I called off the wedding. I told him why, and he kept saying it wasn’t true, that he loved me, bla, bla, bla.
Wow. Now that you’re single, what’s sex like these days?
I haven’t dated anyone since then. It’s been four years. I’ve had a few sexual partners, but I’m always so afraid to have sex with someone new. I think I’m afraid of men. A dildo won’t break your heart, you know?
Right? And these sexual partners you’ve had, what’s that experience like?
Good actually. Some of it was fair. One stands out. He was so good that I almost told him I loved him. He made me orgasm multiple times. Actually, beyond even orgasming, the sex was good. I felt it in my bones.
LMAO. How do you find them?
Social media, and mostly, they’re the ones that find me. We get talking, establish what we want, arrange to have sex a few times and that’s it. This happens like once a month, and I never sleep with someone more than twice.
Sounds like an arrangement you’re okay with.
Yup. I’m still mostly into my dildos than I am into men. I don’t even know if it’s the heartbreak alone. It’s time, and the fact that I’m not that obsessed with sex. People on social media talk about sex morning, noon and night, and I think, aren’t you guys tired?
LMAO. So how would you rate your sex life?
I’d say 8/10. I have sex on my own terms, and even though it’s like once a month, it’s not so bad.
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