Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who waited until he was married to have sex. He talks about having very little sexual chemistry with his wife and finding gratification outside his marriage.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was 19 in uni. There was this babe I liked from a different fellowship and she liked me too. She tried to kiss me, but I wasn’t really into it. Then she grabbed my dick and gave me a hand job. Well, she tried to. I wasn’t exactly responsive, so she just stopped.
That sounds like assault.
I wouldn’t say that. I kind of enjoyed the attention, but I was basically a religious extremist at the time. My dad had taught me that women were sent by the devil to steal the destiny of men, so I was mostly scared of having my destiny stolen.
I don’t blame her for trying so hard. Women aren’t really used to getting rejected.
How else did your religion affect your approach to sex?
I used to masturbate a lot. I would ask God for forgiveness before I started, while I was doing it and immediately I finished. I just wanted to make sure that if the trumpet sounded while my dick was in my hand, I would still make heaven.
The religious guilt also lowkey elevated the experience. The more taboo masturbation felt, the better it was. I would hear a revival message, then I wouldn’t touch myself for like three weeks. The first masturbation session after that was always fire.
LMAO. Don’t kill me.
I even remember one night we went to pray against the spirit of masturbation. A visiting evangelist asked people struggling with it to come forward but, based on my ranking in the fellowship at the time, I just couldn’t.
How would I stand up and admit to being addicted to masturbation? God forbid. So, I decided to pray privately. After that intense prayer session, I didn’t masturbate for two solid days. Amen?
Then on the third day, damn. So much virtue flowed through me.
LMAO. What kind of relationships did you have with women at the time?
I kissed a few girls here and there, but I never made out. The thought of even touching a girl’s breast terrified me. More than anything, I really just wanted to be able to say that the first woman I ever made out with was my wife.
Is that what happened?
Yeah. I met her in uni. We started off as friends, but we both clearly liked each other, so I asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed. We dated for about five years before we eventually got married.
Did you guys do anything sexual before you got married?
For sure. We made out and gave each other head. This was when I started becoming a lot more curious. I wanted to explore different fetishes, but I couldn’t do any of that within my Christian relationship.
So, both of you did everything except penetrative sex?
Lmao. Yeah. You know how Christians define virginity now: we don’t see it as sex unless there’s penetration involved. So, we were able to use that loophole to justify making out and giving head.
What was the first penetrative experience like?
It was horrible. I didn’t understand anything that was happening. I thought everything would just flow naturally, but that wasn’t the case at all. Honestly, I just assumed I didn’t like sex that much because of how bad it was.
Oh wow. Did your wife feel the same way?
Yeah. We both felt sex was awkward, and nothing we tried was working. We eventually started spacing it out because it wasn’t something either of us looked forward to. Sex just felt like a chore we had to do from time to time.
How often was it happening?
There wasn’t a timetable, but the frequency kept dropping steadily. It went from three times a month to once every three months. I think a whole year is the longest we’ve gone without sex.
Wow. So you haven’t enjoyed sex since you got married?
Not with my wife, no. We’ve tried to make things better, but it’s never worked. I just don’t think we are sexually compatible, and this is something we would have known if we had just explored before we got married.
Not with your wife? There have been other women?
LMAO. Yes oh. I believed that if I saved myself for marriage, God would reward me with mind-blowing sex, but that didn’t happen. I kept up my end of the bargain, but He didn’t keep His. So, since that was a scam, I’ve decided to help myself.
LMAO. How has that been?
It’s been great. We thank God for his faithfulness and tender mercies. One door shut, and he opened several more. I remember meeting one Igbo babe during a work trip and she destroyed my destiny. The sex was so easy and natural. It was just beautiful.
How many people have you been with outside your marriage?
If we’re talking makeout sessions, oral sex and the likes, then I’ve actually lost count. If we’re talking going all the way — full-on penetrative sex – then it’s just been with two other people.
Is it just about sex or are these encounters deeper?
I used to think I was demisexual, but I think that’s changing: I can now have sex without forming emotional bonds. So, right now, I just have one person that I have a real bond with, but for the other women, it’s not that deep. I just find them attractive.
Wait. Is your marriage actually open or are you cheating?
It’s open. I brought up the idea and she was very enthusiastic about it. I’m happy to see that she’s also been enjoying herself since we started. This has made it very clear that the problem wasn’t with either of us; we are just not compatible in that way.
Honesty, I also think monogamy isn’t sustainable. Humans eventually get bored of everything, but somehow, we are expected to be okay with sleeping with one person forever. That doesn’t make any sense.
How has this arrangement affected your marriage?
It hasn’t. I love my wife and she loves me too. We still have sex, but not a lot. Whenever we want to have the kind of sex that we both want, we know who to call. Everything else about the marriage is great, but we are no longer forcing what doesn’t work.
Due to the lockdown, however, we’ve only been able to have sex with each other. So, it happens like once a month or once every two months. For the most part, I’ve just been masturbating.
Would you say you’re still religious?
Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite if I was? I could deceive myself and say that God sees my heart, but if I’m being honest. I know there’s no way to justify an open marriage within Christianity. So, no, I’m no longer religious.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’d give it a 6. My masturbation sessions are super exciting, but it’s not enough. If there wasn’t a lockdown and I could be with the one person I really want to have sex with, then I would give it a 10. The thought of eventually seeing her keeps me going though.