Sex Life: I Regret Saving Myself For Marriage

September 5, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who waited until he was married to have sex. He talks about having very little sexual chemistry with his wife and finding gratification outside his marriage.

What was your first sexual experience?

I was 19 in uni. There was this babe I liked from a different fellowship and she liked me too. She tried to kiss me, but I wasn’t really into it. Then she grabbed my dick and gave me a hand job. Well, she tried to. I wasn’t exactly responsive, so she just stopped.

That sounds like assault.

I wouldn’t say that. I kind of enjoyed the attention, but I was basically a religious extremist at the time. My dad had taught me that women were sent by the devil to steal the destiny of men, so I was mostly scared of having my destiny stolen.

I don’t blame her for trying so hard. Women aren’t really used to getting rejected. 

How else did your religion affect your approach to sex?

I used to masturbate a lot. I would ask God for forgiveness before I started, while I was doing it and immediately I finished. I just wanted to make sure that if the trumpet sounded while my dick was in my hand, I would still make heaven.

The religious guilt also lowkey elevated the experience. The more taboo masturbation felt, the better it was. I would hear a revival message, then I wouldn’t touch myself for like three weeks. The first masturbation session after that was always fire. 

LMAO. Don’t kill me.

I even remember one night we went to pray against the spirit of masturbation. A visiting evangelist asked people struggling with it to come forward but, based on my ranking in the fellowship at the time, I just couldn’t.

How would I stand up and admit to being addicted to masturbation? God forbid. So, I decided to pray privately. After that intense prayer session, I didn’t masturbate for two solid days. Amen?

Amen.

Then on the third day, damn. So much virtue flowed through me. 

LMAO. What kind of relationships did you have with women at the time?

I kissed a few girls here and there, but I never made out. The thought of even touching a girl’s breast terrified me. More than anything, I really just wanted to be able to say that the first woman I ever made out with was my wife.

Is that what happened?

Yeah. I met her in uni. We started off as friends, but we both clearly liked each other, so I asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed. We dated for about five years before we eventually got married.

Did you guys do anything sexual before you got married?

For sure. We made out and gave each other head. This was when I started becoming a lot more curious. I wanted to explore different fetishes, but I couldn’t do any of that within my Christian relationship.

So, both of you did everything except penetrative sex?

Lmao. Yeah. You know how Christians define virginity now: we don’t see it as sex unless there’s penetration involved. So, we were able to use that loophole to justify making out and giving head. 

What was the first penetrative experience like?

It was horrible. I didn’t understand anything that was happening. I thought everything would just flow naturally, but that wasn’t the case at all. Honestly, I just assumed I didn’t like sex that much because of how bad it was.

Oh wow. Did your wife feel the same way?

Yeah. We both felt sex was awkward, and nothing we tried was working. We eventually started spacing it out because it wasn’t something either of us looked forward to. Sex just felt like a chore we had to do from time to time. 

How often was it happening?

There wasn’t a timetable, but the frequency kept dropping steadily. It went from three times a month to once every three months. I think a whole year is the longest we’ve gone without sex.

Wow. So you haven’t enjoyed sex since you got married?

Not with my wife, no. We’ve tried to make things better, but it’s never worked. I just don’t think we are sexually compatible, and this is something we would have known if we had just explored before we got married. 

Not with your wife? There have been other women?

LMAO. Yes oh. I believed that if I saved myself for marriage, God would reward me with mind-blowing sex, but that didn’t happen. I kept up my end of the bargain, but He didn’t keep His. So, since that was a scam, I’ve decided to help myself. 

LMAO. How has that been?

It’s been great. We thank God for his faithfulness and tender mercies. One door shut, and he opened several more. I remember meeting one Igbo babe during a work trip and she destroyed my destiny. The sex was so easy and natural. It was just beautiful.

How many people have you been with outside your marriage?

If we’re talking makeout sessions, oral sex and the likes, then I’ve actually lost count. If we’re talking going all the way — full-on penetrative sex – then it’s just been with two other people. 

Is it just about sex or are these encounters deeper?

I used to think I was demisexual, but I think that’s changing: I can now have sex without forming emotional bonds. So, right now, I just have one person that I have a real bond with, but for the other women, it’s not that deep. I just find them attractive.

Wait. Is your marriage actually open or are you cheating?

It’s open. I brought up the idea and she was very enthusiastic about it. I’m happy to see that she’s also been enjoying herself since we started. This has made it very clear that the problem wasn’t with either of us; we are just not compatible in that way.

Honesty, I also think monogamy isn’t sustainable. Humans eventually get bored of everything, but somehow, we are expected to be okay with sleeping with one person forever. That doesn’t make any sense.

How has this arrangement affected your marriage?

It hasn’t. I love my wife and she loves me too. We still have sex, but not a lot. Whenever we want to have the kind of sex that we both want, we know who to call. Everything else about the marriage is great, but we are no longer forcing what doesn’t work.

Due to the lockdown, however, we’ve only been able to have sex with each other. So, it happens like once a month or once every two months. For the most part, I’ve just been masturbating.

Would you say you’re still religious?

Wouldn’t I be a hypocrite if I was? I could deceive myself and say that God sees my heart, but if I’m being honest. I know there’s no way to justify an open marriage within Christianity. So, no, I’m no longer religious.

How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?

I’d give it a 6. My masturbation sessions are super exciting, but it’s not enough. If there wasn’t a lockdown and I could be with the one person I really want to have sex with, then I would give it a 10. The thought of eventually seeing her keeps me going though.


Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

April 18, 2020

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old queer man living with HIV. He talks about how it affected his relationship and why he now chooses to disclose his status to potential sexual partners. What was your first sexual experience? I was in JSS 1 when it first happened. I had just gotten into […]

April 17, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians. The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old gay man whose sexual addiction ruined his three-year relationship. He talks about how the end of his relationship made him realise he has […]

June 20, 2020

The subject of this week’s sex life is a 23-year-old man who refused to accept his sexuality for years after discovering he’s bisexual. Now that he’s accepted it, he’s sleeping with older men and getting paid for it.  When did you have your first sexual experience?  When I was 16, I went to a strip […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

October 29, 2019

We are going to be attempting to guess when you’ll marry based on your favourite Nigerian foods. What does your fave swallow have to do with when you’ll tie the knot? Please, don’t ask complicated questions. This quiz is rigorous and accurate (don’t quote us), so just take it already. QUIZ: Why Do You Have […]

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

November 15, 2019

There are two types of people in Nigeria right now: those who are proud Marlians, and those who are still in denial about stanning the divisive star. So, for those who proudly wear the Marlian tag, we made a quiz to test how well you really know Naira Marley. If you get more than 6 […]

December 29, 2021

A new year is right around the corner. Before we go into 2022, enjoy some of our top quizzes from this year. 1. QUIZ: Only Nigerian Gen Z’ers Can Make It To The End Of This Musicians Quiz Forget about your age. If you can make it to the end of this quiz, you’re definitely […]

More from Sex Life

June 11, 2022

The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old lesbian who describes herself as a pleaser. She talks about discovering her sexuality, sleeping with many women to make up for what she’s missed, and learning she has better sex when she’s not being touched.

February 12, 2022

The subject of today’s sex life is a 23-year-old bisexual woman. She talks about realising she liked women at 10 years old, missing out on sex with men because she hated her body and finally enjoying sex with men once she learnt how to be comfortable with her body. 

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X