Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 35-year-old woman who discovers she isn’t attracted to only men relatively late. She talks about finding out about her sexuality, how her husband helped her explore her pansexuality and rejecting harmful teachings about sex.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was in my late teens, 17 or so. I had a crush on a prefect in my school, and we would touch each other in corners. One day, he invited me to his friend’s house, and we had sex. It was my first time. Looking back at it, it wasn’t groundbreaking, but then it felt like it was. I thought he was my prince charming, the person I would end up with.
We had a very childish breakup. I can’t remember the details, but I was so heartbroken then. That was it for secondary school.
I stayed home for two years after secondary school before I went off to uni. My mum wanted me to learn a trade for a year, and I didn’t get enough points in my JAMB examination to gain admission. I got in the following year, three years after I left secondary school.
Within that period, did your sex life change?
A lot. At first, I felt more adult. I had friends and some freedom. I didn’t do much, but I did date a few people, and I think I slept with two boys. I was learning about myself, which was great, but my mother started noticing, and it made her so worried, she started coming down on me hard.
My mother was convinced I was becoming a prostitute. She would beat me or yell at me at every chance she got. When she wasn’t doing that, she was giving me bad advice about boys and sex. She would talk about teen pregnancy and how that would lead to my being a waste of space and a nuisance to society and how it could kill me. All of that fucked me up.
I went from a flirty young girl to a reserved and scared babe who didn’t want to mess up and bring disappointment to her family. When I went to uni, I did not make friends fast because I didn’t want to mix with the wrong crowd. I didn’t mix with boys. This was a stark difference from who I was in secondary school.
What was your sex life like then?
Nonexistent. In my first two years in uni, I didn’t date or sleep with anyone. In my third year, I finally had a boyfriend that broke my heart and all I was thinking was, “hey my mama talk am.”
LMAO. What happened?
He cheated on me with my roommate. It was messy, but we move.
What’s your sex life like now?
Much better. I’ve let go of all of those harmful, patriarchal beliefs that my mother taught me and now I’m having a lot of sex and a lot of it is with women, so it’s good.
Lmao. So a few years ago, I realised I like women and men and even people who don’t identify as either.
Oh, so pansexual?
I identify as pansexual.
Got it. When did you realise you didn’t just like men?
Two years before I got married.
I had started pushing against these horrible ideas that my mum had taught me about sex — how my virginity was the greatest gift I could give my husband — and started enjoying life and sex. Around this period was actually when I met my husband — who is the best person I have ever met and a true God-sent. But just before I met him, I met a friend of a friend, and she was so damn gorgeous. I was struck and that was when it hit me that I really am attracted to women. Before this, I would look at women and find them attractive but never really understood that I was attracted to them. I think I didn’t want to confront it back then.
Long story short, me and this gorgeous friend of a friend kissed for a bit and that was what sealed the deal. Not long after, I met my husband, and it was a monogamous relationship for the longest time.
How did you meet your husband?
Twitter. It was a very random interaction that turned into DMs and then a friendship and eventually, a marriage.
How’s your sex life as a married woman?
The best. My husband is willing to learn and explore things with me and in me. I fell in love with sex because of him. 10/10 easily.
Wow. So what do you mean by “monogamous for the longest time”?
We opened our marriage about two years ago. I told my husband that I liked women and wanted to try it. He wasn’t overly enthusiastic at the beginning, but he was supportive. We talked about it for months and agreed on how it would function.
Can you tell me about how it functions?
I can sleep with women, but it must be women we don’t know and it must be far removed from us. He doesn’t step out of our relationship, but once in a while, we bring someone to bed with us.
How has that been for you guys?
Great actually. We’re in sync now more than ever and our sex life is just banging. Pun unintended.
What has sex with women been like for you, especially compared to sex with men?
I think it boils down to individual partners. Some men are clueless; they just hammer on and think if the woman is screaming, it means they’re enjoying it. On the flip side, some women too are clueless. However, in my experience, I think women are more willing to listen and adapt and give you what you want. Men tend to take feedback as an attack on their masculinity. So overall? With the exception of my husband, all the best sex I’ve had has been with women.
Fascinating. You’ve had a hell of a sexual trajectory. What do you think is the highlight of all this?
The game-changer wasn’t discovering I was attracted to more than just men. It was meeting my husband. He was so willing to learn and unlearn with me, to push against norms and we were able to change our relationship and marriage so it fit us even better.
Nice, nice. How would you rate your sex life?
A solid 10. I get to be with the man I love while exploring my inner freak. I can’t believe how lucky I am.