Sex Life: My Conscience Is Non-Existent

August 21, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of today’s Sex Life is a gay man who talks about experiencing hypersexuality while in secondary school, dealing with a lover who outed him to his mother and juggling his love for the church with his sexuality.

What was your first sexual experience?

One time in school, the boys in my room were talking about cumming and wet dreams, and it turned out that only I and one other guy in the room had never cum before. I didn’t want to be the last person to experience cumming. Sometime later, I started touching myself and the other guy who hadn’t cum before saw me and started touching himself too. He then reached over and started giving me a handjob, and I did the same. After that, he’d come to my bed to hump me. He was transferred away from the school in SS1, and I didn’t get with anyone else till I was 22.

How did that go?

He was a doctor and an acquaintance. I had always had body image issues, so I never felt comfortable enough to get intimate with anybody. I asked him to check out my body to see if I was okay, because I was always worrying something was wrong with me. After the examination, he said I was perfectly fine. We went to his house for the most intense make-out session I’d ever experienced. I had my first orgasm and it was explosive. I was close to screaming. I still haven’t felt that way with anyone else. Still, he taught me a lot about my body. Because I was religious, I used to have a lot of guilt about being gay. He taught me not to rush off to the shower after sex like I had done something wrong.  When I was with him, I always felt comfortable in my body, a feeling that faded quickly if I wasn’t with him.

But you never had sex with him?

No. He was huge and that would have been my first time. He was also concerned for me and didn’t want to hurt me. He was protective like that. I was having sex with other people. I met one very hot guy in my school. I didn’t think I stood a chance because he was a spec. Way out of my league. I got his number and started talking to him, but he had to leave Lagos soon after. We talked for a year before I came out to him. When he came back, we met at the place he was staying and had the most memorable sex I’ve ever had, even though I was awkward because it was my first time. It wasn’t even the penetration that was nice. It was just the feeling of being there with him.

You never had any experience with sex before you were 22?

Except for the guy in secondary school, no. I used to be very religious. Like the knock-on-your-door-to-preach kinda religious. Both my parents are pastors. But in uni, I discovered I was feeling things I wasn’t supposed to be feeling, like getting turned on while holding someone’s hand during prayer sessions. I had always questioned why I felt attracted to men and even hated myself for it. I spoke to some church leaders about my sexuality and asked them to explain to me why it was wrong, but all they said was, “Because the Bible says so.” I tried so hard to believe it. 

How did that go?

I left the church. There were other issues, like the fact that being active in the church was affecting my academics. Prayer warriors would wake me by 5 a.m. to go pray with them. My classes were coinciding with church responsibilities, yet the church was expecting me to sacrifice more of my time.  I had a lot of anxiety during that period. So I said, “Fuck this shit.” I left that church but still go to church because my parents are pastors and I love the church atmosphere and gospel music.

What happened after?

I met this guy while volunteering for an organisation. He was beautiful and had such friendly energy around him, so we started talking and dating. We realised a little too late that we didn’t have common interests and he wasn’t as into sex as I was, so I started seeing other people while I was with him. 

Wow.

I even confessed to him a couple of times. He was hurt, but as time went on, he got used to it. I tried to convince him to open our relationship but he didn’t want that. We also struggled with communication so we used to brush a lot of serious issues under the carpet. I realised six months in that the relationship wasn’t for me, but we held on to it for almost two years. We also weren’t having regular sex because neither of us had a place. I was experiencing what I wanted with other people, so I knew I wasn’t asking for too much. We eventually broke up because while we were good friends, we were terrible lovers. He cried when I broke up with him. I wonder why because the relationship had been dead long before then. We’re great friends now.

What’s your sex life like, right now?

I’m on the streets. I’m waiting for three people from out of town. I don’t care; my conscience is non-existent.

Really? What’s the worst thing you’ve done?

I had a three-way in church.

Jesus.

Okay, it was a church office, but still. I went to see someone who was a church executive (who is married, by the way) and he had a guest over. Somehow, we all got naked and started having sex. There was also the time I met a married (but separated) guy who almost ruined my life.

Tell us about him.

We had a complicated relationship. I met him while he was single.  He was also religious when it benefited him. In fact, when we met, he was trying to convince me to stop having gay sex. 

We later had sexual encounters but I didn’t want to date him. He wanted me at all costs, showering me with attention and gifts, which I refused most times. I didn’t want to date him because he was impulsive. That’s how he “impulsively” got married.

Ah.

I told him getting married while actively queer was a bad idea, but he didn’t listen to me. I blocked him everywhere and in a desperate attempt to reach me, he found my mom on social media and told her I was gay. He and my mom would have phone prayer sessions over me. It was wild.

WTF.

The fallout was terrible. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of that incident. When I challenged him, he was very sorry and begged me to forgive him. I had feelings for him so I did but I didn’t have any sexual relations with him.

Then he separated from his wife, lost his job and was suicidal, so I came in as emotional support. Then it became physical. He’s the closest thing to the love of my life. But it’s a closed chapter now.

That’s…intense. What would you rate your sex life?

5.5, because I don’t have a place of my own. Once I get my own place, it’ll be 10/10. I think people take sex too seriously. It should be something that should be shared among friends.

Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

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