Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who talks to us about having sex for the first time at 25, discovering the wonders of lube, and her current struggle to leave the treacherous streets.
What was your first sexual experience?
The very first time anything remotely sexual happened with me, I was six and it was with my brother who was about four at the time. We dry-humped, and I vividly remember us kneeling to pray after. Being from a very religious home, we weren’t fans of going to hellfire for doing nonsense.
The next memory I have would be with a family friend’s daughter. I was 12 and her mother was friends with my father. One time when we visited them, she initiated a kiss, and it just continued like that. I used to be so excited to visit them because I knew we were going to make out.
How did your religious upbringing play out in this situation?
I’m actually not sure. I just knew I was enjoying whatever we had going on.
Would you say that you are now also attracted to women?
That’s something I’m actually confused by. Because I enjoyed making out with that girl but right now I’m as straight as they come. Except for that one time in 2017.
Ah, what happened?
So I had this female friend and colleague I liked, and we would hang out and talk a lot. She was into women and would tell me about her sexcapades from time to time. These stories piqued my curiosity, and I found myself very attracted to her.
Tell me you shot your shot
Lol. For where? No o. I diligently prayed and fasted until I was over it. For context, I was extremely religious at this time and was going through so much guilt for even thinking about sex. Being with a woman just felt like an even bigger sin to be dabbling in at the time.
I was 23 and had never had sex when this happened. If I had done the deed, I just may have considered shooting my shot.
What made you wait that long though?
Religion. That was mostly it. Keeping my “virginity” till my wedding night was something that was expected of me anyway. Also, my sister had waited till her wedding night, and I wanted to do it too.
So all through secondary school and university, no sexual activity?
In secondary school? Zilch. I was all about my books and had body image issues from getting bullied for my looks, so there was no sexual anything going on there.
University was different. I was still quite religious by the way. I would think about sex from time to time but, ultimately, I was waiting for my wedding night. But you see making out? I was a make-out champion. I made out with a shit load of people. I did everything — kissing, blowjobs, handjobs — just never penetrative sex.
So how did sex finally happen?
March 2019. I think religion finally lost its hold, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to wait till marriage because I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married. Besides, I just wanted to fuck.
There was this guy I’d really liked in uni. I always said my first time would be with him or with my husband. As there were no plans for any husband at this time, it was definitely going to be him. I called and told him I was finally ready. We’d been making out for almost six years since uni so we were already quite familiar.
He was actively having sex, so he knew a lot more than me but he eased me into it.
And how was the sex?
My first two times, there was so much pain. It was new for me and I think a lot of the pain came from not being as lubricated. I didn’t suggest lube because I’d always heard that if you didn’t get wet on cue then something was wrong. So I literally braved through the pain the first time. I could barely enjoy it.
I’m a very anxious person and I think my anxiety was part of the reason for not getting wet through it all.
By my third time with this same person, he suggested using lube and the sex definitely got better.
Lube to the rescue
Yes o. Thankfully my first two partners didn’t make me feel any kind of way about not being wet enough. They were very comfortable with using lube.
It was a little later in my sexual journey that I ran into men who took it as an affront if you were not extremely wet. They saw it as you not being as attracted to them or something of the sort.
Please, my dear sweet babes, lube is your comrade in arms. Any man that makes you feel some type of way for wanting to use lube for assistance is your enemy and you should dump him.
A word for the wise. So when did you start enjoying sex?
Once there was lube involved and I had gotten a hang of sex with partners I liked, orgasms from penetrative sex became a regular thing.
I started to have constant sex with the first guy I slept with. He became my official fuck buddy. Then I would also meet people from time to time and have sex with them as well.
And of course, in the absence of my partners, there was always masturbation, my old friend.
Tell us about that.
It’s really always been off and on. Usually, I’d masturbate when I watched something sexual, or when I was bored or just horny. It also didn’t help that masturbation was seen in religion as this thing that made you dirty and filthy. But thanks to the lockdown, masturbation peaked for me in 2020. I had all that time to myself, and I took that time, dear. I took it well.
You do you, ma’am. Do you ever consider revisiting an encounter with a woman?
I typically never say never. There was a time when I abhorred giving head, and now it’s one of my favourite things to do. I’m at a place where I’m pretty certain I’m not sexually attracted to women but I might meet someone, so we’ll see. One of my partners proposed a threesome once and I turned it down, but it’s something I could be open to at a later time. We’ll see.
What’s changed with sex for you these days?
Honestly, streets have shown me pepper and now I really want to have a lot of sex but with one person within the confines of a committed relationship.
There are certain ways men move mad when they’re in casual relationships or situationships. There’s just a lack of accountability. I was with this one guy and at some point, I guess things changed for him, but instead of having a conversation about that and letting me know he was done, he just ghosted. If you raise these points, the response you get is, “At least we’re not in a relationship.” I’m trying to shield myself from that.
I also want security. To be able to say this is my person and this is what we’re doing. Of course, it doesn’t guarantee too much, but at least it’s better than being totally unsure of what this person can wake up tomorrow and do.
So how would you rate your sex now over 10?
I’d say 6/10. I’m having great sex and orgasms all the time, but I’m not having it as frequently. I recently fell out with my fuck buddy and we used to fuck like every week. Now it’s been like two weeks and, nothing.