Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old woman who isn’t thrilled about tagging her sexuality. She talks about her attraction to women starting with Rihanna, how sleeping with friends can be more convenient and her experiences with heterosexual women.
TW: Sexual Abuse
What was your first sexual experience?
My first time having penetrative sex was very calculated. It was a month before I turned 18, and I’d been dating this guy for about a year. We’d done everything but have sex.
We’d talked about having sex before then but I kept changing my mind until the day came and we were in front of each other and it felt like that scene in the movie where the two characters know what they’re there for but they still talk through it like “Oh, do you want to do this” “Are you ready”. That’s how it went.
I didn’t have anything to compare it to but the sex wasn’t impressive. It didn’t help that we were both virgins and he had a huge penis. It wasn’t terrible but I didn’t cum. We kept having sex for about a year before we broke up.
And did you figure it out eventually?
Well, compared to the sex I’m having now, I look back and just want to vomit because what was I even doing then?
Were you only attracted to men?
Oh hell no. I already knew in secondary school that I was attracted to women, and I have Rihanna to thank for that.
I’d heard a rumour that there were naked pictures of Rihanna online. Out of curiosity, when I went home, I picked up my cousin’s phone and searched the internet for these images. I legit couldn’t believe that people had naked pictures of themselves online.
I found some of these rumoured pictures, and I swear I spent about an hour just staring at them. I remember that these pictures did something to me that I didn’t think they should have done. It was an awakening.
My teenage version of porn became to look up pictures of female celebs. I started to notice girls and see them as pretty. It was one of those things I didn’t allow myself to think about but I definitely was crushing hard on so many girls and chucked it up to “she’s pretty”.
Did anything change in that regard?
Well, from secondary school till my first boyfriend in uni, I kept seeing men and convincing myself that girls were just “really cool”. But I noticed I would constantly develop tiny crushes on my friends’ girlfriends. It didn’t make sense, so I didn’t act on these crushes until the day my boyfriend told me “You know the way you talk about these your friends’ girlfriends is not normal right?” He didn’t even say it in a judgemental way. He was very encouraging when we talked about me exploring things with women but also made it clear he wasn’t sure how he felt about all of it.
Talking about it made it feel less taboo, but I was in the university and didn’t know any girls who liked girls or wanted to sleep with me. Most of the time I would only get chances to kiss girls during truth or dare games.
Ah yes, the famous Truth or Dare. Did you continue trying to explore with women?
Nothing really happened for me until I got drunk at a party and a girl there took advantage of me. I remember not being sober and failing at stopping any of the things she was trying to do. At some point, the room that had a few people when the party started was suddenly empty and I was alone with her.
That sort of put a pause on me trying things with women for the rest of university.
I’m so sorry. What came after uni?
My relationship while I was in school lasted about 3 years, which felt quite long. When I came out of school, I wasn’t really interested in getting into another one; I just wanted to hook up with people. And I did, but mostly with guys because they are always readily available. But the best part was probably that they were mostly my friends.
Did sleeping with friends start after you left uni?
It actually started in uni. I had this friend who I hooked up with after breaking up with my first boyfriend — I’m not sure I can say he was a friend at first because we kissed the first time we met — but we never did anything while I was dating my boyfriend. After my breakup, I was vulnerable and he was there for me. So it was pretty simple: he liked me, I was heartbroken and looking to get laid, we hooked up. After the first time went well, we decided to keep doing it. It just became a thing.
That sounds like a great arrangement.
It was, then it spoiled. He started to want more because he actually liked me while I was still in that weird space where I didn’t want to do romance, I just wanted to have sex. That was the end of that.
Because we live in a society obsessed with purity culture, it’s hard for me to just go to a stranger and say “hey let’s fuck” without the fear of being tagged a whore or — even worse — getting attacked by this stranger.
With your friends, and friends of friends, it’s safer and a lot more convenient. Following that, it just made sense to sleep with my friends.
So far you’ve slept with only friends?
Well, the one time I met someone and we talked about having sex that first day, we actually did it two weeks after but now he’s one of my closest friends.
And the best part of these arrangements with friends is that they don’t have a specific stop date. I have some that have gone on for weeks and even months sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be a regular thing; you just know that if you guys are ever in the same city or are feeling up to it, you can hit each other up. Like leaving a bunch of doors open.
I notice you only talk about male friends, does anything ever happen with your female friends?
When it comes to women, I have only hooked up with strangers. I think there’s only been one time I hooked up with a female friend, and I just kept questioning the whole thing and whether she was actually really into it.
I may be projecting because of all the many times I’ve met women who weren’t particularly bisexual or lesbian. They were just straight women having fun, and so while I would be there planning how we would probably hook up a second time, the babe is already over it.
There was this one time I went to a house party with this guy I was sleeping with and there was this other girl there and she was with another guy. At some point that night, after a lot of drinking, my head was between her thighs and a lot was happening. I remember we both came a few times. And then the next morning I woke up alone in a room in the house and that was the last I saw of that babe.
Those are extraordinary doings. Would you say you prefer sex with men or women?
I can’t answer accurately. I’ve mostly been sleeping with men lately so I may be biased in that regard. But then, there’s also an excitement that comes with hooking up with women that I do not feel with men.
I mean, I will still enjoy sex with men but usually, I get there and I know this person, it’s familiar and we get to it. With women, it’s just more exciting. Like you’re on drugs.
Okay so back to these friends, what would you say is the longest you’ve had a door open for?
I’d say, my first boyfriend. We met when I was 17 and till now whenever we’re both single — I’m usually always single — and in the same city, we are likely to have sex.
How would you rate your sex life now over 10?
I’d rate it a 7/10, but it’s about to go up to a 9. I’m having a lot of sex with this male friend I have who is invested in helping me sleep with more people. He’s literally said that the next time we are out, we will be with his other friends who are lesbians and all I’d need to do would be point out who I liked and he would make it happen. So basically, my sex life is about to be very very interesting.