Sex Life: I Was Missing Out Because I Hated My Body

February 12, 2022

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s sex life is a 23-year-old bisexual woman. She talks about realising she liked women at 10 years old, missing out on sex with men because she hated her body and finally enjoying sex with men once she learnt how to be comfortable with her body. 

Tell me about your first sexual experience.

I got kissed at my dorm in boarding school. This 13-year-old girl with bigger breasts than mine was in my dorm in JSS 1, and I always stared at her when I was back from classes. Like an idiot, I chalked up my constant staring to jealousy. One day while she was getting dressed, she caught me staring. The next day, she walked up to me and kissed me. I don’t know why she did, but the kiss felt so good. 

I’m assuming you didn’t know you were into girls before then? 

Yeah, I believe so. It was after the kiss I started thinking of the possibility of liking women. It led to a lot of struggles internally but physically, I was having the enjoyment of my life. 

This babe and I did everything besides penetration and were partnered up for the entirety of JSS 1. Afterwards, she left for another school. I haven’t seen her since. 

What happened after she left? 

Well, two years later, a girl and I were up till late at night at the dorm, and we just kissed. After that, we coupled up, but it was a mess. 

We behaved like regular friends outside, then had secret sexual interactions. After every sexual interaction, she closed off. We’d have sex and then she’d withdraw from me until the next time she was horny.  It felt like I was being used for orgasms. And maybe I would have been fine with that if the interactions weren’t so mid. It paled in comparison to my first. 

The thing about my first was that I was insanely attracted to her — I was only with this second girl because I liked sucking breasts. The relationship ended once I got tired of that.

And then what happened.

I hooked up with more women, LOL. 

Then I stumbled on a problem in SS 2. I had started experiencing attraction to men and wanted to test it out. I’d decided to have sex with a male friend of mine, purely for experiment. He was tall and dark-skinned, and I thought, why not? Turned out I couldn’t even take my clothes off to let him touch me. I had become extremely conscious of my body because of how my male friends talked about fat women. 

At that time, I was considered a “cool girl”, so I was able to listen in on conversations my male friends had. In a lot of these conversations, they would discuss fat women. They said things like, “How will you push her rolls away to have sex?” While also implying that these women were dirty. When the topic of fatness came up, it was always derogatory. 

Oh wow. I’m sorry. But you were sleeping with women before. How was it different? 

I felt women would be more understanding. The women I was with weren’t exactly small. They had fat asses, big breasts as well as stretch marks, so there wasn’t much to be ashamed of. 

Gotcha. Back to this sex issue with men… 

So, I knew I had reservations about my body, but I didn’t realise just how much my body reservations were eating into my love until I went to university in Boston.

One time, I was supposed to go to a festival with my sister but couldn’t because the weather was so hot, I had to wear shorts if I planned to survive going outside. My sister spent the whole day encouraging me to try it and still we ended up not going. I was missing out on so much because I hated my body. 

So I tried to fix it. I started small at first by wearing clothes that showed off my thighs to my knees. I also unfollowed people who gave me body issues on Instagram and followed people who dressed their bodies that look like mine in pretty ways. I picked dressing tips from those ones. 

From there, I graduated to appreciating myself in the mirror rather than berating myself. I bought cute tops, skirts and even shorts. I also started showing skin from my thighs to my knees. Flaunting my arms was the last thing I did, and it was a very big thing for me. 

My first sexual experience where I had no hang-ups about my body was in 2017. I was 19. Aside from being extremely comfortable, he was really good at giving head, and that’s the easiest way to make me have an orgasm.

Enjoyment. What was sex with men like once you got comfortable in your body? 

Kinky! I realised I was a kinky person through books. I graduated from mild Wattpad stories about dominant men to this website where I was basically consuming soft porn. I got into cuffs and toys. Then I found out I like to slap and get slapped. 

With both men and women?

Yes. I like to dom women because they are usually less experienced with sex, and I’m inclined to makethem orgasm. When I’m with a female partner, we’d go a few times before I even think of allowing her to touch me back. 

With men, I tend to have vanilla sex. Men don’t know how to be dominant, what it entails. They don’t know what aftercare is, and I won’t allow someone who won’t even cuddle me afterwards slap me. I’m unhinged but not that unhinged.

This became my predicament. It’s either I’m constantly giving or not getting enough. 

I apologise on their behalf. Have you ever hacked it? Sex that was balanced? 

Yes o. Last year. He was the first person to make me squirt. Unfortunately, he was also a liar and a gaslighter, so we don’t talk anymore. He chased after me and then confessed he had a girl after we slept together a few times. 

But he used to make me come up to and more than seven times easily. Seven was the average. He had the cheat code to my entire body.

Mad. On a scale of 1-10, what’d you rate your sex life? 

I’d say about a 7. I know what I like and when I like it, but I don’t have a steady partner. I would like consistent hot fok. 


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