Sex Life: “I Don’t Want To Have Sex With A Woman And Waste Her Time”

October 16, 2021

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old queer man who talks to us about his first orgy, meeting sex partners online, and his desire to sleep with a woman.

What was your first sexual experience?

When I was about 15, we had this family that lived next door and had two kids — a boy and a girl who were both a year ahead of me in school. My first few sexual experiences were with both of them.

Both?

LOL. It wasn’t at the same time, and they still don’t know that I’d done things with the other.

So what happened with each of them?

I was a horny teenager who thought they were hot. For the brother, we would give each other handjobs when we were alone watching TV. We watched TV alone many times.

And the sis?

With his sister, it started a little later. Our families were obsessed with this series called El Cuerpo del Deseo. Whenever it came on and any of us didn’t have light, we would either put on the generator in our house or my parents would just let us go to their house to watch it. This was usually when we would sneak out to go and make out.

How long did this go on?

It lasted for about a year until they both had to go to university. I was writing WAEC, but I was also still a horny 16-year-old so I joined this old social media app called 2go and started talking to people off the platform.

2go had rooms where you could find people with similar interests, and there was this one I was in called “Naija Gay”. People would come on and drop information about themselves like “Onitsha, Bottom”, basically telling anyone who was around Onitsha and wanted to link with a bottom all they needed to know.

For me, any budding conversation usually would end when they asked me to see them or to meet them somewhere because at this time, I had no money, and I wasn’t about to ask my mother for transport money to go and meet a stranger.

Did you eventually meet someone there?

I got a text from someone I had been chatting with saying he was at my junction and would like us to have sex at his friend’s house, which was close by.

I’m not sure why, but I said yes. When we got to his friend’s house, he said he would top me and I could top his friend who was a bottom.

How did it go?

Oh, it was horrible. It was my first time, and he was so rough and hadn’t even tried to ease me into it. It was such a horrible experience. After we were done, I packed my things and left that place. I didn’t have sex for some time after that.

Did this experience taint sex for you?

Not at all. I didn’t have sex mostly because I got into the university and spent the first year living in the hostel. There was definitely no chance for any of that when I had roommates.

In my second year, I moved off campus to an apartment by myself. I got back online, this time both on 2go and Facebook and started meeting some new people. I didn’t like a lot of the men I was meeting.

Why not?

I didn’t like the men because there were not particularly to my taste. Most were older and not particularly fine.

You’re primarily attracted to men then?

Yes. But to be fair, I am also attracted to women. I’ve had huge crushes on women and been very attracted to them as well. I lean more towards men, but gender is not the most important thing. I like a vibe.

You were meeting men you didn’t like; when did you finally get to have sex?

In my second year. I remember meeting this guy online who lived in one of the towns around my school, and I went to see him. He gave some excuse about why we couldn’t have sex in his house and took me to one valley.

Valley? And you went?

Yes, I did. We had sex in the open there. I topped him.

How was that?

It wasn’t bad. I’m open to trying things. Well, except BDSM. I think I’m too kind for that.

But one of the exciting things I’ve tried was an orgy. I’ve been to three orgies, but the first one was the most memorable.

How did that happen?

So this was post-university. I was working on Christmas day and talking to this guy I met on a dating app. He asked if I wanted to be in an orgy. I’ll admit I didn’t immediately know what he was talking about. I thought he had asked me if I wanted “oji”, which is igbo for kolanut. I was very confused, but then I thought harder and it hit me. I told him sure. I mean, why not. 

Before then, I considered myself someone who didn’t do too much — the most I’d done were threesomes. I went there straight from work. In the house, I found six other men naked smoking and drinking. When they tried to offer me drinks and things to smoke, I told them I didn’t indulge and they laughed at me asking “How you wan take do this thing now?” I was like, “God will provide”.

The orgy lasted for hours, and it was so good. We each got turns with other people. It was so good that one of the men asked me to marry him that day. This was a gathering where we didn’t know each other’s names, but this man went on to get my number and pester me for almost three years.

Oh wow. Are there any things you are looking forward to trying?

I feel like I would like to have sex with a woman. But there’s a lot of politics playing out in my head. I worry about doing it and realising it’s not something I’m into and then it feels like I’ve wasted someone’s time or maybe it’s a case of internalised homophobia — which I don’t think I have.

How would you rate your sex life over 10?

I’d rate it a 10. I’m not having sex every day or anything, but I’m having sex when I want to have it. I have a couple of people that I’ve met through the internet and I can call them up whenever I feel like it, and that’s great for me.

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