Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 23-year-old heterosexual woman who only enjoys sex in public places. After getting caught and harassed by the police, she’s been terrified of even kissing outside.
What was your first-ever sexual experience?
My cousin who lived with us had a porn stash. The first time I watched one of the movies was with a family friend. Watching it felt so good that we decided to practice. She humped me and it felt great. We were about 11.
Was it just a one-time thing?
No. We kept meeting up every Saturday to do it, but after a while, she stopped coming over.
Do you know why?
I’m not sure. Maybe she was disgusted or scared. We were still friends, but we just never hung out like that again.
What did you do then?
I had another neighbour who was also into it, so I picked it up with her. I didn’t really understand what was going on, so it was easy to just do it and forget about it until the next time. There was also my sibling.
Wait! Your sibling?
Yeah. My sister asked to try something with me once, and that was it. I figured it was something she picked up from the girls’ boarding house she was in.
Did your mother ever suspect?
She didn’t, but she once caught me masturbating and all hell broke loose. She made me strip and had my father beat me. She also shamed me every day after that.
I am so sorry.
I mean, it scarred me for a while, but it is all good now.
Most of your earliest experiences were with girls. Do you consider yourself bisexual?
I consider myself bi-curious. I’m attracted to women and I’ve fooled around with them, but I’ve never ventured into anything serious. So, I’m not sure I can call myself bisexual.
Fair. Did you try anything else apart from humping and masturbating?
Oral sex too. The first two or so times men tried to penetrate me, it was hellish. So, I took my mind off it for a while and just enjoyed these other activities. Peer pressure and manipulation from the guys I messed around with eventually made me interested in penetrative sex again.
How did you eventually hack it?
Well, I realised I couldn’t get maximum pleasure from sex unless my heart was beating fast from fear or a little bit of physical pain.
How did you even realise that?
It was my third year in University, and I had this friend in school I was into. I attended a private Christian university and my campus was quite small, so the risk of getting caught was high. It was on top of a table and my heart kept beating. I knew there was no going back after that.
So, the sex was good?
Yeah, but I didn’t even have an orgasm. The risk was what made it fun for me.
So, where is the riskiest place you’ve had sex?
A makeshift bathroom at a wedding.
Do you intentionally look for these places?
Well, sometimes, I scope out the places. For the bathroom, I followed my friends to touch up their makeup. While they were doing theirs, I kept thinking, ‘What part of this place will be convenient for me to have sex?’
Does that mean every place is a potential spot?
Yes, if it has good vibes. By good vibes, I mean relatively clean.
Is there any out-of-bounds spot?
My house. I cannot imagine having sex on a bed any of my family members have touched.
But every other place is fair game?
Yeah. Cars, parties or even work.
Ah. Work too?
My office is open, it cannot even work. They will nab you.
Not when the person you are having sex with has friends in high places or, even better, is the friend in high places.
So, how does it work? Do you just approach one Segun and ask him to have sex with you on the roof?
LMAO. No, that’s not how it happens. I guess I’ve just been fortunate when it comes to finding guys who like public sex too. Like, even just a little PDA excites me. I remember when a guy I had a thing with in uni kissed me in public. I was so excited.
Are you still about that public sex life?
Nah. I stopped after the police caught me one day.
Omo. Wahala. How?
I was having sex with a fuck buddy in his car one time. The place was known to be patrolled by the police regularly, and as I was riding this man, I noticed flashlights. He asked me to get off, but I couldn’t comprehend until I heard them shouting at us.
I can’t imagine what was going through your mind.
I went through a rollercoaster of emotions that day. I thought I was either going to die or get sent to jail. They kept threatening to shoot me and leave my body on the streets if I did not comply. They scrutinised my entire body, called me a prostitute and said a lot of terrifying things.
What did complying mean?
It meant I had to pay them off. They separated me from my partner. While my partner was able to negotiate a lower amount, I was so scared that I was ready to pay whatever. He was even pissed off by it.
Ah? Was he not scared?
I don’t even know for him. He actually tried to reinitiate sex that night, and I found it wild that he’d want to keep going even after we had just been harrased.
How did you recover from that?
It was hell for a while. I think I was celibate for about a year after the experience.
So, you haven’t had sex in public since then.
No. Right now, I am not sure I can even kiss anyone in public again.
Would you want to though?
I think so. If I get over this trauma, then sure, but I don’t think I want public sex to be my source of maximum pleasure anymore. That’s really not sustainable.
Have you considered therapy?
Please, I cannot afford therapy right now. Also, I am not a very expressive person, so I don’t know how that would even work.
All things considered, how would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
Right now, about a 5 or 6. I have a fuck buddy, and sex with him is pretty great, but sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still feel the police staring at me. It’s not a nice feeling to have.