Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Different Ways People Get Into Evil Blood Covenants”
This picture looks like the poster of a cheap horror movie you just know will spawn 11 sequels.
The book starts with the author explaining what covenants are and how Satan has tricked countless people into (consciously or unconsciously) entering evil covenants with him so he can steal their souls.
These 2 paragraphs literally could’ve been 2 lines. But whatever I guess.
He says that there 5 things needed to make an evil covenant:
- Blessing (for keeping the covenant) and Punishment (for breaking it)
The rest of the book is the author listing and explaining the different ways people get into evil covenants with the devil. This is my favourite part of the whole thing. Why?
1) Sex Outside Marriage: He used this point to shade the hell of fornicators. He says that bumping genitals with everyone you come across –like you’re gunning for the Whore of Babylon’s spot – puts you at risk of having things transferred to you. E.g. body fluids, diseases, and DEMONS.
This is the way he explains it:
Like I once pointed out in an old article, this is an insane example because if If I come across a person harbouring 100 demons in their body, I’ll be able to tell. Because I’ve seen every season of Supernatural.
I took that last sentence to mean that if you eschewed having sex for the first time in a fancy hotel room with scented candles and mood lighting so you could lose your virginity in the cramped backseat of a Kia to a stranger you met 30 mins prior on a dating app, then you’re going to hell.
2) Pictures: Here’s the author’s super specific example:
I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here. Maybe the author was promised marriage and then jilted? That’s a story for another day.
This reminds me of a tweet that pointed out how less willing people would be to post pictures of themselves online if they could see how many random people save those pictures to use for whatever. I thought the worst that could happen was someone sticking my picture to the face of a sex doll and pretending it’s me. This book has let me know that things could be much worse.
3) Blood: This one was a lot:
Who are the people doing this? Isn’t this a red flag? If you get romantically involved with a person who insists on you two mixing and drinking each other’s blood like you’re in The Vampire Diaries universe, won’t you run?
Then I remembered that there are people who derive pleasure from having hot candle wax poured on their naughty parts, and I moved on.
4) Counterfeit Religion:
Is it just me or did that feel like a subtle jab at Catholicism? Whoever this author is must have gone to the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ School Of Throwing Thinly-Veiled Shade At Other Churches.
5) Occultic Covenants:
If only Nnamdi Okeke (Living in Bondage: Breaking Free) had known this.
6) Food & Drinks:
Btw, it’s your fault if this happens to your kid(s). The agents of darkness caught you slipping and took advantage. You should have had your kid(s) watch the Nigerian horror classic, After School Hours, as soon as they could talk.
7) Demonic Fashion:
Click here to read a detailed breakdown of demonic fashion. Thank me later.
Here’s how to find out!
Giving birth?? Chile…
Then the book ends with the usual “give your life to Christ and join a good church.”
Till next week, you guys. ✌️
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.