The Different Ways People Get Into Evil Blood Covenants

July 24, 2020

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “The Different Ways People Get Into Evil Blood Covenants”

This picture looks like the poster of a cheap horror movie you just know will spawn 11 sequels.

The book starts with the author explaining what covenants are and how Satan has tricked countless people into (consciously or unconsciously) entering evil covenants with him so he can steal their souls.

These 2 paragraphs literally could’ve been 2 lines. But whatever I guess.

He says that there 5 things needed to make an evil covenant:

  • People
  • Words
  • Reason
  • Place
  • Blessing (for keeping the covenant) and Punishment (for breaking it)

The rest of the book is the author listing and explaining the different ways people get into evil covenants with the devil. This is my favourite part of the whole thing. Why?

1) Sex Outside Marriage: He used this point to shade the hell of fornicators. He says that bumping genitals with everyone you come across –like you’re gunning for the Whore of Babylon’s spot – puts you at risk of having things transferred to you. E.g. body fluids, diseases, and DEMONS.

This is the way he explains it:

Like I once pointed out in an old article, this is an insane example because if If I come across a person harbouring 100 demons in their body, I’ll be able to tell. Because I’ve seen every season of Supernatural.

I took that last sentence to mean that if you eschewed having sex for the first time in a fancy hotel room with scented candles and mood lighting so you could lose your virginity in the cramped backseat of a Kia to a stranger you met 30 mins prior on a dating app, then you’re going to hell.

2) Pictures: Here’s the author’s super specific example:

I feel like there’s a lot to unpack here. Maybe the author was promised marriage and then jilted? That’s a story for another day.

This reminds me of a tweet that pointed out how less willing people would be to post pictures of themselves online if they could see how many random people save those pictures to use for whatever. I thought the worst that could happen was someone sticking my picture to the face of a sex doll and pretending it’s me. This book has let me know that things could be much worse.

3) Blood: This one was a lot:

Who are the people doing this? Isn’t this a red flag? If you get romantically involved with a person who insists on you two mixing and drinking each other’s blood like you’re in The Vampire Diaries universe, won’t you run?

Then I remembered that there are people who derive pleasure from having hot candle wax poured on their naughty parts, and I moved on.

4) Counterfeit Religion:

Is it just me or did that feel like a subtle jab at Catholicism? Whoever this author is must have gone to the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ School Of Throwing Thinly-Veiled Shade At Other Churches.

5) Occultic Covenants:

If only Nnamdi Okeke (Living in Bondage: Breaking Free) had known this.

6) Food & Drinks:

Btw, it’s your fault if this happens to your kid(s). The agents of darkness caught you slipping and took advantage. You should have had your kid(s) watch the Nigerian horror classic, After School Hours, as soon as they could talk.

7) Demonic Fashion:

Click here to read a detailed breakdown of demonic fashion. Thank me later.

Here’s how to find out!

Giving birth?? Chile…

Then the book ends with the usual “give your life to Christ and join a good church.”

Till next week, you guys. ✌️


Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


You'll like this

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

August 10, 2020

Nigerian women have a lot to get off of their chest in regards to Nigerian men. Last week, it was about problems with dating Nigerian men. Now, here are 10 things Nigerian women want Nigerian men to know. Sade Porn is not real life. For goodness sake, I will not be doing snake in the […]

August 10, 2020

You know how Nigerians are generally homophobic; any small thing and they’ll recoil and say “Ah yew a gay?”  First of all there’s nothing wrong with being gay. Second of all, there are some perfectly normal things homosexual and heterosexual men should be able to do without being labelled. If you do some of the […]

August 10, 2020

After reading this, make sure you share with any young person you care deeply about. Here you go: 1) You’ll have energy to work forever. Alexa, play Young Forever by Jay-z. 2) The world is ending because of Miss Rona. Enjoy your life, young king and queen. 3) The Naira is getting stronger. Thank God […]

Recommended Quizzes

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

April 3, 2020

While the rest of the world loves to treat our continent like a country, there are actually 54 African countries. So, in a bid to test your knowledge (and educate you), we’ve created a quiz to see how many of their capitals you can correctly name. Go ahead:

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X