10 Reasons To Say No To Pre-Marital Sex (According To This Bizarre Life Hack Book)

March 6, 2020

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “Ten Great Reasons Why You Should Say No To Sex Before Marriage.”

The book begins with a preface in which the author talks about how sex has permeated all forms of Nigerian media (music, movies, adverts, books etc). He then posits the theory that MAYBE sex is becoming one of Nigerians’ favourite topics.

He then talks about how difficult life in society is for people who genuinely want to wait until their married to have sex due to pressure from “friends, peer groups, teachers and other adults.This statement made my head spin because of the “teachers and adults” of it all. Like, adults pressured you to have sex when you were kids? What society was this??

Using way more lines than needed, he goes on to explain the sacred nature of sex, describing it as a powerful intense force inside us that God designed for a loving committed marriage relationship. (Yep, marriage relationship.) He then compares casual sex to placing your best lace on the floor of a chicken house and letting the chickens shit and walk all over it, following it up with this image:

Lace? What generation was this written for?

Let’s just go into the actual book, abeg. He divided the ten reasons into ten chapters.

CHAPTER 1: Say no because God says NO to sex outside or before marriage.

My favourite thing about this chapter is how the author acknowledges that a lack of sex makes people miserable by starting with the line, “He does not say NO to make us miserable.”

He attempts to scare readers with the threat that sex outside marriage brings nothing but pain and heartache (because it’s designed to be between married people) but doesn’t provide any data to back this up.

CHAPTER 2: Say NO because you will save yourself from the guilt, shame, and sadness that sex outside marriage brings.

This was when I realized that this book was a product of the patriarchy and was targeted at girls only. The chapter talks about how a moment’s pleasure can lead to life-long embarrassment due to being regarded in society as a slut.

The author then slyly compares people who don’t wait until marriage for sex to animals with no self-respect, self-respect, and self-control.

CHAPTER 3: Say NO because you will spare yourself the pain and grief of finding out that you were being used rather than being loved and accepted.

The author rants about how sex and love aren’t the same things and how finding out you were being used for sex brings major heartbreak. I stopped here and asked, out loud, what happens when you (the reader) are the one using people for sex. Seeing as I was alone, I didn’t get a response.

I kept on reading.

CHAPTER 4: Say NO because every time you have sex, you run the risk of making a baby.

The author spends the bulk of this chapter shitting on pregnancies and contraceptives. He talks about getting pregnant like it’s the same as getting ebola and describes contraceptives as ineffective. He put a drawing of a heavily pregnant girl sitting in a chair and looking sad as shit. Beneath this image is the following text:

“Girls, if you become pregnant, you will have to tell those you love in your extended family that you are understage. They will be disappointed and hurt too.”

CHAPTER 5: Say NO because (girls), if you get pregnant, that makes you a mother responsible to care for the baby.

Even though the title talks about babies like their gremlins or some shit, the main chapter is about how if you (a girl) gets knocked up, the father will take off, leaving you with a pregnancy you can’t afford. This will lead you to consider abortion and eventually getting one, destroying your womb and your chances of getting into heaven in one fell swoop.

CHAPTER 6: Say NO because of the dangers of catching STDs.

You know, I knew STDs were bound to come up at some point. What I did not see coming was how it was going to be explained. After spouting some seriously outdated info about STDs (people who get HIV die within 2-10 years after infection), He then goes on to talk about Spiritually Transmitted Demons. His (fucking bonkers) logic is this:

“If you half sex with a person that possesses 2000 demons, half of that person’s demons are now yours.”

I’ve seen The Exorcist, for God’s sake.

Chapter 7: Say NO because you will destroy your plans.

Translation: Because babies are demon crackheads, they will make you drop out of school, destroying your chances of ever getting a well-paid job or succeeding in life.

Chapter 8: Say NO because you want to fully enjoy sex in a relationship of genuine.

According to the author, this feels better than casual sex.

Chapter 9: Say NO because you will be able to choose to marry the special person God has planned for you.

Because in the society the author lives, there is a rule against marrying any woman who has a kid, implying that they are destined to die alone.

Chapter 10: Say NO because the people who love you expect you to say no.

The people: Your parents, grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, pastor, people in your church, your future spouse, and Jesus (who died to give you the power to say NO).

With the exception of Bros J, all those other people are on their own.

Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

September 1, 2021

August is over, and here are some of our best quizzes from August. Enjoy: 1. QUIZ: Only Ajebutters Can Get 10/21 On This Quiz Some people like to form ajepako when they’re really ajebutter. Are you one of them? Let’s find out. 2. QUIZ: Sorry, If You’re Under 25 There’s No Way You Can Pass […]

October 30, 2019

2010 was a game-changing one for Nollywood, with our movies making serious cash and getting international acclaim. So, which of these hits released between 2010 and 2019 — from the pace-setting The Wedding Party to the divisive Trip To Jamaica — best suits your personality? Well, that’s what this quiz is here to answer:

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz: 11 Timed Quizzes For […]

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X