10 Reasons To Say No To Pre-Marital Sex (According To This Bizarre Life Hack Book)

March 6, 2020

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “Ten Great Reasons Why You Should Say No To Sex Before Marriage.”

The book begins with a preface in which the author talks about how sex has permeated all forms of Nigerian media (music, movies, adverts, books etc). He then posits the theory that MAYBE sex is becoming one of Nigerians’ favourite topics.

He then talks about how difficult life in society is for people who genuinely want to wait until their married to have sex due to pressure from “friends, peer groups, teachers and other adults.This statement made my head spin because of the “teachers and adults” of it all. Like, adults pressured you to have sex when you were kids? What society was this??

Using way more lines than needed, he goes on to explain the sacred nature of sex, describing it as a powerful intense force inside us that God designed for a loving committed marriage relationship. (Yep, marriage relationship.) He then compares casual sex to placing your best lace on the floor of a chicken house and letting the chickens shit and walk all over it, following it up with this image:

Lace? What generation was this written for?

Let’s just go into the actual book, abeg. He divided the ten reasons into ten chapters.

CHAPTER 1: Say no because God says NO to sex outside or before marriage.

My favourite thing about this chapter is how the author acknowledges that a lack of sex makes people miserable by starting with the line, “He does not say NO to make us miserable.”

He attempts to scare readers with the threat that sex outside marriage brings nothing but pain and heartache (because it’s designed to be between married people) but doesn’t provide any data to back this up.

CHAPTER 2: Say NO because you will save yourself from the guilt, shame, and sadness that sex outside marriage brings.

This was when I realized that this book was a product of the patriarchy and was targeted at girls only. The chapter talks about how a moment’s pleasure can lead to life-long embarrassment due to being regarded in society as a slut.

The author then slyly compares people who don’t wait until marriage for sex to animals with no self-respect, self-respect, and self-control.

CHAPTER 3: Say NO because you will spare yourself the pain and grief of finding out that you were being used rather than being loved and accepted.

The author rants about how sex and love aren’t the same things and how finding out you were being used for sex brings major heartbreak. I stopped here and asked, out loud, what happens when you (the reader) are the one using people for sex. Seeing as I was alone, I didn’t get a response.

I kept on reading.

CHAPTER 4: Say NO because every time you have sex, you run the risk of making a baby.

The author spends the bulk of this chapter shitting on pregnancies and contraceptives. He talks about getting pregnant like it’s the same as getting ebola and describes contraceptives as ineffective. He put a drawing of a heavily pregnant girl sitting in a chair and looking sad as shit. Beneath this image is the following text:

“Girls, if you become pregnant, you will have to tell those you love in your extended family that you are understage. They will be disappointed and hurt too.”

CHAPTER 5: Say NO because (girls), if you get pregnant, that makes you a mother responsible to care for the baby.

Even though the title talks about babies like their gremlins or some shit, the main chapter is about how if you (a girl) gets knocked up, the father will take off, leaving you with a pregnancy you can’t afford. This will lead you to consider abortion and eventually getting one, destroying your womb and your chances of getting into heaven in one fell swoop.

CHAPTER 6: Say NO because of the dangers of catching STDs.

You know, I knew STDs were bound to come up at some point. What I did not see coming was how it was going to be explained. After spouting some seriously outdated info about STDs (people who get HIV die within 2-10 years after infection), He then goes on to talk about Spiritually Transmitted Demons. His (fucking bonkers) logic is this:

“If you half sex with a person that possesses 2000 demons, half of that person’s demons are now yours.”

I’ve seen The Exorcist, for God’s sake.

Chapter 7: Say NO because you will destroy your plans.

Translation: Because babies are demon crackheads, they will make you drop out of school, destroying your chances of ever getting a well-paid job or succeeding in life.

Chapter 8: Say NO because you want to fully enjoy sex in a relationship of genuine.

According to the author, this feels better than casual sex.

Chapter 9: Say NO because you will be able to choose to marry the special person God has planned for you.

Because in the society the author lives, there is a rule against marrying any woman who has a kid, implying that they are destined to die alone.

Chapter 10: Say NO because the people who love you expect you to say no.

The people: Your parents, grandparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, pastor, people in your church, your future spouse, and Jesus (who died to give you the power to say NO).

With the exception of Bros J, all those other people are on their own.

Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.

Astor George

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