Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Mystery And Origin Of Artificial Hair And Women Attachment”.
I feel like using a picture like this as the cover of your Christian book about the origin of artificial hair is a little on the nose. Then again, the authors of the books in this series aren’t the best at subtlety.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
This is the second time I’ve recapped a book written by Evangelist Fumilayo Adebayo. The first recap was of the book she wrote about how the devil created football as a way to destroy humanity because he hates us so much. That same book also contains all the underworld tea she claims to have gathered while serving the devil for 990 years.
Fun Fact: Recapping that book gave birth to the entire So You Don’t Have To series. So I guess in a way, I have her to thank for all this.
She starts the book like every Alessia Cara song, by telling the reader that no matter how much makeup they wear or the quality of weaves they sew to their heads, they will never be beautiful. She also says that any woman who abuses their natural God-given beauty with artificial add-ons should be ready to “dance to God’s unquenchable fury and anger.”
What follows is this picture:
I don’t know why.
After this, Evangelist Fumilayo gets into the meat of the matter by revealing that there are demonic covenants people unknowingly get into with Satan and the Queen of the Coast whenever they use artificial hair.
She pauses proceedings at this point to tell us a story of a church she was once invited to as a guest minister. A church that, according to her, didn’t believe in modest dressing.
I will not rest until HBO adapts this story into a period movie starring Emma Thompson as the pastor’s wife, Meryl Streep as Evangelist Fumilayo, and Dolly Parton as the fashioner designer/hairstylist.
A few months later, the pastor’s wife died, and not long after, the fashion designer had a dream. In this dream, she saw the pastor’s wife in hell, sitting in what she described as “the department of worldliness with great torture and pain.” This department contained seats with the names of the other women in the church who wore weaves.
And that’s not all. According to fashion designer lady, the pastor’s wife hair had turned to snakes that were biting her, adding to the pain of hellfire.
DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNNN!
Fashion designer lady claimed the pastor’s wife spent the entire dream cussing her out for stopping Evangelist Fumilayo from preaching that day. It was in the midst of this cussing session that she woke up.
After reading this next part, try not to roll your eyes too hard lest they get lost in the back of your head.
What did the female church members use to cut off their weaves?
Evangelist Fumilayo says she was invited back to the church two years later. She says that on her way there, she spent time thinking of how she was going to shade the hell out of them using bible passages because of how they disgraced her the last time.
However, to her surprise (and disappointment, I’m sure), the women had changed their mode of dressing, leading her to ask what the hell happened. This was when they informed her that she wasn’t actually invited to preach but to witness what God had done in their lives through her.
THE ORIGIN OF (AND COVENANT BEHIND) ARTIFICIAL HAIR
Before the reader has time to poke holes in this story or complain about the grammatical errors, Evangelist Fumilayo starts reminiscing about the time she and the Queen of the Coast came together in hell’s laboratory to create hair relaxer. What led them to create this?
Because hell’s comms department received a report one year saying that 8 souls made it into heaven. 8 souls out of the millions that died that year. And to Satan, that was unacceptable.
I mean, have you ever seen both of them in the same room?
Because relaxers were exclusive to people that actually had enough hair to relax, Evangelist Fumilayo suggested to the Queen of the Coast that they needed to create something with the potential to trap every woman on the planet. This was when the Queen of the Coast realized that they needed help and proceeded to set up a meeting between Evangelist Fumilayo and Medusa.
Yes, hunny. THAT Medusa.
You know, the same Medusa who is part of Greek mythology.
At her temple (in GREECE??), Medusa agreed to help, but on one condition. That any human who used what she was going to provide and died with it, would end up looking like her (Medusa) in the afterlife, hindering them from entering heaven. As soon as Evangelist Fumilayo agreed, Medusa handed her a chemical that would become the main ingredient in making artificial hair.
Remember this when next Darling Yaki is being sewn into your hair.
I can’t believe this woman just casually dipped toes into Greek mythology. I feel like I’m in an episode of ‘Supernatural’.
Evangelist Fumilayo ends the books blaming women who seemingly can’t get husbands and women with failed marriages for their misfortune.
How to be free of Medusa’s curse:
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.
Click here to read the recap I wrote for Evangelist Fumilayo’s first book. It chronicles her experiences as an intern in hell for 990 years and how football (created by the devil) will bring about humanity’s downfall.
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