The Insane Official Guide To Preaching In Buses

May 8, 2020

Preaching in buses

Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I’ve now decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find books just as batshit as that one and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Factors To Consider When Preaching The Gospel In Public Transport”.

I desperately need you guys to know that any grammatical errors you spot while I’m quoting the book are the fault of the author.

The book starts with this gem:

Professor X: “So what’s your mutant power?”

Bus Preacher Guy: “I can decipher the spiritual atmospheric condition in any bus.”

Professor X: “I…I don’t understand what that means or how it can help anyone in a fight.”

Bus Preacher: “If we could just find a bus to get on it, I could show…”

Professor X: “Get out of my office.”

It follows that with this:

See, this is the one rule a lot of them don’t follow because I’ve encountered many bus preachers who were super condescending and needlessly violent with their sermons. Also, the line “…your dogmas will lead to strife and may God help if you escape unhurt” reminds me of this fucking hilarious article I found:

Because people keep saying to not talk shit about “men of God”, this was me after reading this article:

I’m digressing. Let’s move on.

This is where the author really dives into the step-by-step manual on how to verbal harass commuters with your religion.

The book says for the preacher to take authority over the passengers and cast any spirit of distraction or hatred into hell. And then after, scream “PRAISE THE LORD!” to draw attention. The author is self-aware and acknowledges that only a few passengers will respond. He even says that some of the people on the bus will leave to board another bus.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why they always wait till the bus leaves the park before they start preaching. So no one can escape.

Translation: If the people on the bus give a lacklustre response, plead with them to listen.

And if pleading doesn’t work, THREATEN THEM.

The author assures the reader that after these thinly-veiled threats, the response you’ll get the next time you scream “PRAISE THE LORD” will raise the roof. As you’ve “rekindled their rotten mindset”, you can then proceed to lead them in a renowned worship song.

 The Factors To Consider While Preaching The Gospel In Public Bus

This girl looks like she’s completely over whatever the preacher is saying.

This chapter covers what to preach about…

…and a set of instructions on how to structure your message while preaching.

When you’ve lured them into a false sense of safety, that’s when you scream “If you fall into the following categories of sins you must repent and accept Jesus Christ!” and then proceed to list out a variety of sins. Like:

Preaching in buses

1) Women wearing trousers: “why can’t we present trouser as a gift to our grandmothers in the village. Why did our grandmothers abhor women trouser and hated young women that wore it? Where did women trouser originated? Why do men always lust after women in trousers?”

2) Make Up: “If your dark complexion daughter in nature gain admission to study in the university; after few years she returns as a white lady in light complexion. How would you feels as a mother?”

3) Drinking & Smoking: “How many Bible have you ever behold in bar or beer parlor? How many people have you behold smoking in streets with Bible on their hands? The spirit of God that dwells in us will never permit them to exhibit such ungodliness without fear of God because they knew it is sinful to miss alcohol with the Holy Bible.”

4) Polygamous Marriages: “How many people did God creates in the beginning? Perhaps God created Adam and consequently formed 4 wives from his ribs. Therefore, if not so, what are you doing with those 2-4 wives? Please marriage is between a man and a woman and in marriage there is not divorcement because marriage is honorable before God.”

5) Jewellery: “When you were born God graciously pierced two holes in your eyes for sight and nose for smell; did he pierce any hole in your ear for earrings? Don’t you know that putting on those jewelries on your body signifies idolatry because you cherished it so much as your gods? Please cast off those earrings, wedding rings and jewelries and be natural the way God has formed you.”

6) Hair Attachment: “When you were born God miraculously cover your head with natural sparkling hair but you deliberately put attachment on your head. That is reason why you always have sex in dream, ate in dream, swimming and giving birth in dream and also afflicted with moving object in your body, marital failure, stagnancy and barrenness.”

After horrifying the innocent commuters by explaining in graphic detail how hellfire is going to sear the flesh of their bones if they’re guilty of any of the sins you just listed out, gently ask them to repent and accept Jesus. Then kindly pray (as opposed to being a bitch about it) and encourage them to be prayerful.

The book ends with this:

Because encouraging them to visit any church is not enough. They absolutely have to come to yours or one of its branches.

I wish you guys could’ve seen how hard I was laughing while reading this. My entire life, I’ve thought these guys went about doing stuff at random. So to find out that they have a whole ass manual had me like:

Seek the Giver, Not the GIFs - Covenant Companion : Covenant Companion

Preaching in buses Preaching in buses


Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.

Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.


You'll like this

Astor George

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

May 28, 2020

When you are a shopaholic shopping is not just an activity, it’s an Olympic sport and you win every time you buy something distinct and in limited. It’s a beautiful addiction that keeps your wardrobe spilling over, your drip eternally fresh, and your bank account always almost empty. 1. You any time you see SALES. […]

Southern Kaduna massacre fulani herdsmen
May 28, 2020

If you’ve spent any time looking through the Nigerian social media space over the past few days, you may have noticed chatter about a possible massacre currently happening in Southern Kaduna. On May 26th, Sahara Reporters revealed how a 12-year-old-boy fought off suspected herdsmen attackers in a village in Southern Kaduna. According to the report, […]

john boyega racist tweet george floyd
May 28, 2020

So far, every month in 2020 has given us its version of an uppercut to the jugular. We’ve lost Kobe and Gigi, a global pandemic broke out, we’ve had to stay isolated, murder hornets came back (then left?) and for May’s champion – repeated vile and racist attacks against black people in the US. John […]

Recommended Quizzes

December 5, 2019

We already tried to guess how much you have in your account and your current net worth, and we think we did a pretty great job (keep any complaints to yourself). Now, we’re going to try and guess your monthly salary based on your relationship with money. Oya, take the quiz:

November 1, 2019

Twitter is buzzing right now, bringing a new conversation to the concept of cool vs not-so-cool, especially in relationships. If you’ve been thinking about how much of a red flag you are, why don’t you let this quiz help you decide once and for all?

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

December 11, 2019

In the past month, we’ve made quizzes that guessed the last time you had sex, how many people you’ve slept with, and just how good you are in bed. For our latest attempt, we will use your taste in Nigerian music from the 2010s to ascertain what you’re like in bed. Take to find out:

are you ready to get married
February 26, 2020

Are you all set for marriage, or are you still figuring it out? Well, if you’re curious to know the answer, then this is the quiz for you. All you have to do is create your own ideal Nollywood wedding film, and we’ll tell you if you’re ready to say “I do”. Go ahead:

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding:

More from So You Don't Have To

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa
May 5, 2020
For the second season, we put an even more diverse motley crew of young Nigerians in front of a camera and asked them random questions about love, school experiences and more.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.