Preaching in buses
Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “Factors To Consider When Preaching The Gospel In Public Transport”.
I desperately need you guys to know that any grammatical errors you spot while I’m quoting the book are the fault of the author.
The book starts with this gem:
Professor X: “So what’s your mutant power?”
Bus Preacher Guy: “I can decipher the spiritual atmospheric condition in any bus.”
Professor X: “I…I don’t understand what that means or how it can help anyone in a fight.”
Bus Preacher: “If we could just find a bus to get on it, I could show…”
Professor X: “Get out of my office.”
It follows that with this:
See, this is the one rule a lot of them don’t follow because I’ve encountered many bus preachers who were super condescending and needlessly violent with their sermons. Also, the line “…your dogmas will lead to strife and may God help if you escape unhurt” reminds me of this fucking hilarious article I found:
Because people keep saying to not talk shit about “men of God”, this was me after reading this article:
I’m digressing. Let’s move on.
This is where the author really dives into the step-by-step manual on how to verbal harass commuters with your religion.
The book says for the preacher to take authority over the passengers and cast any spirit of distraction or hatred into hell. And then after, scream “PRAISE THE LORD!” to draw attention. The author is self-aware and acknowledges that only a few passengers will respond. He even says that some of the people on the bus will leave to board another bus.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why they always wait till the bus leaves the park before they start preaching. So no one can escape.
Translation: If the people on the bus give a lacklustre response, plead with them to listen.
And if pleading doesn’t work, THREATEN THEM.
The author assures the reader that after these thinly-veiled threats, the response you’ll get the next time you scream “PRAISE THE LORD” will raise the roof. As you’ve “rekindled their rotten mindset”, you can then proceed to lead them in a renowned worship song.
This girl looks like she’s completely over whatever the preacher is saying.
This chapter covers what to preach about…
…and a set of instructions on how to structure your message while preaching.
When you’ve lured them into a false sense of safety, that’s when you scream “If you fall into the following categories of sins you must repent and accept Jesus Christ!” and then proceed to list out a variety of sins. Like:
Preaching in buses
1) Women wearing trousers: “why can’t we present trouser as a gift to our grandmothers in the village. Why did our grandmothers abhor women trouser and hated young women that wore it? Where did women trouser originated? Why do men always lust after women in trousers?”
2) Make Up: “If your dark complexion daughter in nature gain admission to study in the university; after few years she returns as a white lady in light complexion. How would you feels as a mother?”
3) Drinking & Smoking: “How many Bible have you ever behold in bar or beer parlor? How many people have you behold smoking in streets with Bible on their hands? The spirit of God that dwells in us will never permit them to exhibit such ungodliness without fear of God because they knew it is sinful to miss alcohol with the Holy Bible.”
4) Polygamous Marriages: “How many people did God creates in the beginning? Perhaps God created Adam and consequently formed 4 wives from his ribs. Therefore, if not so, what are you doing with those 2-4 wives? Please marriage is between a man and a woman and in marriage there is not divorcement because marriage is honorable before God.”
5) Jewellery: “When you were born God graciously pierced two holes in your eyes for sight and nose for smell; did he pierce any hole in your ear for earrings? Don’t you know that putting on those jewelries on your body signifies idolatry because you cherished it so much as your gods? Please cast off those earrings, wedding rings and jewelries and be natural the way God has formed you.”
6) Hair Attachment: “When you were born God miraculously cover your head with natural sparkling hair but you deliberately put attachment on your head. That is reason why you always have sex in dream, ate in dream, swimming and giving birth in dream and also afflicted with moving object in your body, marital failure, stagnancy and barrenness.”
After horrifying the innocent commuters by explaining in graphic detail how hellfire is going to sear the flesh of their bones if they’re guilty of any of the sins you just listed out, gently ask them to repent and accept Jesus. Then kindly pray (as opposed to being a bitch about it) and encourage them to be prayerful.
The book ends with this:
Because encouraging them to visit any church is not enough. They absolutely have to come to yours or one of its branches.
I wish you guys could’ve seen how hard I was laughing while reading this. My entire life, I’ve thought these guys went about doing stuff at random. So to find out that they have a whole ass manual had me like:
Preaching in buses Preaching in buses
Check back every Friday for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.