Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled “The Historical Origin and Danger of Women’s Trousers”. I shit you not, the image below is the book’s cover.
Is that you, Bovi?
The book starts with a history lesson. The author says that before the invasion of Africa by the colonial masters, the only thing Nigerian women wore were wrappers, either tied around their waists or chests. But after Henry Townsend brought Christianity to Nigeria, with it came the perverse western woman’s dress code, started by a white woman named Elizabeth Smith Miller. This perverse dress code the author speaks of is the wearing of trousers.
According to the Elizabeth Smith Miller story at the New York public library, Elizabeth was working in her garden on a hot day in 1851, when she almost passed out because of heat exhaustion (probably brought on by the fact that she was dressed in a tight corset and long flowing gown). Right then, it occurred to her how fucked up society’s dress code for women was, and she decided to start a Dress Reform for comfort. She designed an outfit for women that involved ankle-length trousers and a skirt that was a few inches below the knee.
Elizabeth Smith Miller
Elizabeth did all she could to make her design catch on with women but this was the 19th century and people were hella mean. So after a while, she went back to wearing the woman’s fashion of the day. However, a few years after Elizabeth abandoned her design, it was gradually brought back into style (and the mind of the general public by proxy) by no other than the great mother of harlots herself: THE QUEEN OF THE COAST!
You see, according to the author, God never intended for women to wear trousers. But the queen of the coast foresaw the great havoc that would come from the sight of a woman’s backside swaying in pair of pantaloons. So, like a supernatural Anna Wintour, she began pushing for women in trousers to make a comeback.
The image above depicts the queen of the coast giving her minions (literal slay kings and queens) their orders. It is the cover of another book titled “The Assignment Of The Queen Of Coast Against Christians“. That’ll be a recap for another day.
If you’re wondering what great havoc comes from women wearing trousers, the author divides it into two points:
- It abuses God’s creative design and his standard way of differentiating his creations: In this, the author uses Deuteronomy 22:5 – The women shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman garment for all that do so are abominable unto the LORD thy GOD – to explain how God gave that rule because different clothing was his ONLY of telling the sexes apart.
Oh yeah. According to the author, God is going to be furious with you if you wear clothes meant for the other sex because that translates to you trying to confuse him.
- It leads to seduction: This is the queen of the coast’s main concern. According to the author, men’s inability to control their thoughts after seeing a woman’ bakassi in trousers will inevitably lead them to sin. There’s an entire paragraph that completely puts the blame on women for the sexually immoral thoughts and actions of men.
Then there’s this paragraph you absolutely have to read yourself, so your heads can spin as mine did.
I’m pretty sure there’s a sexual fetish somewhere in there but I refuse to be the one to go searching for it. The book ends with a warning for women all over the world who own/wear trousers:
“BURN ALL OF THEM TODAY AND DON’T GIVE THEM OUT! Repent from this horrible act and ask God for his forgiveness. Failure to abide by this teaching will definitely amount to ETERNAL DAMNATION IN HELL!”
Check back every Friday at 6 PM for more So You Don’t Have To insanity.
Click here to read other entries in the So You Don’t Have To series.