Everyone is talking about Jordan Peele’s newest horror movie, Nope, and I totally get it. It follows two siblings, Emerald (Keke Palmer) and OJ (Daniel Kaluuya), as they attempt to take and sell pictures of an alien (who they nickname Jean Jacket) terrorising their home. The two-hour movie had me on the edge of my seat throughout its duration.
But as enjoyable as Nope was, it also had me thinking, what would it look like if Nigerians had to deal with an alien attack?
Aliens won’t visit Nigeria because of the heat and mosquitoes
There’s a reason all these Hollywood films about aliens and unidentified flying objects (UFOs) happen only in America and the United Kingdom (UK). We complain a lot about the heat and mosquitoes in Nigeria, but when you think about it, it’s the main reason aliens don’t come here. Imagine an alien walking into a pharmacy to buy Amartem after one night in Nigeria.
Nigerians would’ve covered the house in anointing oil
Aliens wouldn’t be tormenting Emerald and OJ if they were a prayerful family. I’m just stating the obvious. Nigerians don’t play with demons. One sighting and the Goya oil from Shiloh is coming out! Goodbye to principalities and powers from outer space.
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Nigerians don’t live in secluded places
I’m always confused when I watch Hollywood movies with people living in an isolated area in the forest or on a ranch. What happens when you want to borrow jerry can to buy fuel? Nigerians don’t do that “living away from the city” business. We like to live where we can see other people, even if their generator is too loud.
Nigerians will NEVER risk their lives for animals
After the first major attack, Emerald asks OJ to leave the ranch with her, but this man refuses because he wants to look after their family horses. Horses? I have to laugh. Imagine a Nigerian seeing danger and choosing to stay because they want to look after animals. It’s not in our blood.
Nigerians like money, but we love life more
Even though it’s clear the alien in the sky is dangerous, Emerald and OJ decide to record it for Oprah so they can cash out. Good money, yes. But at what cost? I don’t see any Nigerian risking their life just to end up on Instablog — ah well, in this day and age you can never be too sure sha.
Nigerians would’ve moved out after the first sighting of Jean Jacket
Do you want to tell me that Nigerians who run just because they see other people running will choose to stay in a house after noticing something strange in the clouds? Nah, we don’t roll like that over here.
Nigerians don’t go to shows without knowing who’s performing
The scene where people attend a “live experience” and get eaten by the alien is funny to me. These people pulled up to a show they knew nothing about, just vibes and cowboy merch. No wonder Jean Jacket ate them all up like guguru and groundnut.
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