Just Imagine: What if Nigerian Musicians Were Your Therapists?

August 9, 2022

What would a world where Nigerian musicians were practising therapists be like?

Don’t think about it to much. We know. 

Portable

First of all, as you’re going to meet him for advice, anything your eyes see, take it like that. Apart from the fact that he can misguide you so bad that your life would be worse than when you first met him, your entire business would also be in the public. Once you miss Portable’s payment like this, he’ll go on IG live to tell everyone about your childhood trauma, abandonment issues and serial infidelity. 

Asa

Expensive as hell, but the thing is, after one therapy session, no matter how fucked up your issues are, this woman will fix you. But you won’t admit it because you want to keep spending time with her because you love her a bit too much.

(I think I might have gone a little too personal there. Sorry, guys.)

Wizkid

This man is good at his job, but he never has his own advice to give you. It’s always what someone else tells him that he’d come back and tell you.

Asake

While you’re telling Asake your secrets, he’ll interrupt you halfway to ask if he can add you to his group of choral backup singers. Next thing, you’re in the studio with 15 other patients shouting “Emiliano rora” at the top of your voice.

Ayra Starr

If you’re not Gen-Z, please don’t even bother booking a therapy session with Ayra Starr. Do you know the meaning of periodt? Or Purrr? This is the vocabulary you’re going to meet there, so just save yourself the extra headache. Before you go there sad and leave confused. 


Are you Gen Z? Here are the Biggest Nigerian Songs From the Year You Were Born


Burna Boy

Burna Boy will talk about himself 90% of the time, and you need to be careful not to interrupt the African Giant, or request that he pays attention to your own issues. But when he finally advises you, it’s, “You need igbo and shayo.” Simple. 

Tems

After spending hours telling Tems all your issues in life, all you’ll get is, “Crazy things are happening.” But her beauty will heal you, so win win. 

Kizz Daniel

You’ve heard from everyone that he’s a great therapist, but after you pay and arrive at his office, he’ll tell his receptionist to tell you he’s not around. 

Davido

He’s the therapist with all the good vibes. He may mistakenly broke-shame you multiple times sha. 

Tope Alabi

After all your talk, Tope Alabi will have just one question — “Have you tried Jesus?” And if you stay a bit longer, a deliverance session will start. 


Also read: If Nigerian Musicians Had Side Hustles, What Would They Do?

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