First off, no normal person dreams of labour. Yes, we said it. However, man’s gotta eat.  

Since we get multiple stories about terrible job experiences as well as the best work experiences, we decided to share the sure ways to land your dream job. You’re welcome.

1. Take the company’s name to the mountain

Why bother sending out CVs when you can simply pick out the company you want and fire prayers on them? Any mountain will do.

Tech Unicorn, locate me by fire.

2. Offer sacrifices

If prayer is not your thing, just look for a Nollywood-esque calabash and get creative with the content. For the best results, include your dream company’s name on a piece of paper, pour red oil on it and drop it at a T-junction. Just don’t let anyone catch you.

Drop it at night, for obvious reasons.

3. Shout, “Do you know who I am?” at the interview

If you do land an interview and you notice it isn’t going well, just stand up and start beating your chest as if your bank deducted your last 1k. Got it? Then start shouting, “Do you know who I am?” Since most Nigerians are wired to fall at the feet of rich and violent people, this hack will work eight out of ten times.

RELATED: Recruiters Share Their Worst Experiences at Job Interviews

4. Spam their social media accounts

Locate the company’s social media accounts and fill the comment sections with your name and email address. They will admire your tenacity and make you CEO.

5. Rent a billboard

You want to catch the attention of as many people as possible and show that you can think out of the box. Isn’t that what all job vacancies require?

6. Kidnap their HR and demand your dream role as a ransom

If they’re proving stubborn, find their HR personnel and kidnap them. Trust us. It’ll be easier for them to offer you a job than pay a monetary ransom.

7. Announce your dream job on LinkedIn

Fake it till you make it — or whatever Shakespeare said. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t even interviewed with them. Just announce that you’ve joined their team on LinkedIn, and they will look for you.

8. Just resume

If all else fails, just carry your bags and sit outside their gate. In the event that they don’t arrest you, they’ll notice your determination and offer you a job on the spot.

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Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.