A lot of men are scared of going bald; at least, I know I was. But having lived on the bald lane for eight years, I can confidently tell you that my bald brothers and I have it better than you and your full hair.
You don’t believe me? Let me explain.
Science shows we have better sex than you
Research has shown that men who have gone bald have higher testosterone which means we can build more muscle and strength, thereby increasing our endurance in bed. It’s not me, it’s science. By the way, this only applies to men who’ve gone bald, so don’t shave your head and think you’ll turn into Johnny Sins overnight.
We don’t age like fried rice
What do RMD, 2 Face, Vin Diesel and The Rock have in common outside of being fine AF and looking the same for the past 10 years? They’re all bald. While going bald will age you a bit at first, it gets to a point where age stands still, and everyone else starts ageing faster than you.
When RMD went bald, we all thought, “Oh, he’s getting old,” but when you think about it, he hasn’t really aged since then.
Bald men attract wealth
There’s a reason one of the wealthiest men in the world, Jeff Bezos, has an estimated net worth of $131.9 billion, and it’s not just because he created Amazon. When you’re bald, it’s easy for the anointing oil of wealth to penetrate your scalp, enter your brain and enrich your mind with all the brightest ideas to generate wealth.
Watch me enter the Forbes list before I turn 40.
We don’t have to be faithful to our barbers
Men with hair always complain about how they can’t get a quick trim because their barber is unavailable. Bald men don’t have to deal with stress like that. Who cares about a specific barber when we can stroll into any barbing salon and get a haircut? Cutting a bald man’s nonexistent hair is as simple as peeling a pawpaw; there’s no hairline to fuck up.
Women are more attracted to bald men
Ask your mummy, your sister, your wife, your girlfriend or any girl you know, and they’ll confess that bald and bearded men are at the top of their fantasy list. That’s why they always want to rub our heads like magic lamps. Don’t hate the player; the game has been rigged against you, my guy.
We get to save our money and time
Tell me why I need to spend almost 30 minutes getting a haircut when it’s not like I’m plaiting Ghana weaving? Men with hair spend so much time and money at the salon getting haircuts just to look like teenage Usher Raymond, while all bald men need to do is scrape our hair off and bounce. We also don’t have to worry about leave-in-conditioners and all those expensive products. Love it here!
Hats of all styles look better on us
From sporty face caps to wide-brimmed classic hats, bald men can pull off any head accessory they want without stress. Men with hair either have to mould their hair like fufu or deal with scattered hair the moment they take their hats off. Honestly, we can’t relate to that life.
Facial hair looks better on bald men. Period!
There’s something about a bald, bearded man that gives sauce, panache and luxury. No shade to our beardless bald brothers, but to truly unlock a new level of bald fine, you need to step your beard game up.
People respect bald men more
You know how Nigerians can greet for Africa? The moment you turn bald, they’ll attempt to kill you with “Boss”, “Chief”, “My Oga”, etc. Bald men are the male version of married women who wear boubous. The problem is, sometimes the pocket doesn’t match the greeting sha.
We can easily cool our brains down on a hot day
There’s nothing like being able to pour cold water on your head and have it calm your brain down on a hot day. Men with hair can’t relate to this feeling of relief, and we honestly feel for them.