We all know once we hit the mid-20s, it’s time to prepare for the “When will you marry?” question. Besides the regular “I’m not ready,” have you thought about replying with these things?
Your babe isn’t ready
Finding someone to marry you isn’t the problem. It’s just that they might already be in a relationship with someone else — like the person asking you the Jamb question.
You’re working on it
Telling people you’re working on it is a smart way to make them drop the topic. Because why is marriage a race? You’re not in a rush; nobody should rush you.
You’re waiting for God’s time
Say you’re still praying, and when God says yes, you’ll walk down the aisle. People love it when you involve God in everything.
There’s nothing in the streets
This is your honest truth. You’re the one who’s been in the streets for a long minute, so you know what’s out there. But no cause for alarm; news will disburse once you find your soulmate.
You’re busy finding 30 billion
Let your questionnaires know that marriage is sweet, but when there’s money, it’s sweeter. You need to have $30 billion in the bank first.
Tell them to find you a partner
If they’re so concerned about your marriage life, they should stop talking and find a babe for you.
It’s not your thing
People don’t even care to know if you want to be married or not. What if staying unmarried is your life goal? People should start considering that too. Do they need to be told first?
Is it a dealbreaker whether your partner is a throat goat or not? Seven Nigerian men share their deepest, darkest opinions about sex in relationships with Zikoko.
Laser*, 38, Lagos
Does sexual experience matter to you?
I’m very open to teaching my partner from scratch. I’m patient and always excited to teach.
What’s your ideal sexual experience?
One where we have a conversation before we meet up. We’re clear about expectations and what we’re open to. Then when we meet, we build up to it, letting the tension rise. Lots of foreplay and leading each other around our bodies, the erogenous zones, exploring kinky things we’re both into. Aftercare when we’re done, proper cuddling and conversations.
How important is sexual compatibility to you?
Extremely important. No matter how much I love a person, if sexual compatibility is absent, it’s a waste of time.
Is it a dealbreaker?
No. But she must have an adventurous mindset. It’s only if she’s rigid and not open to exploring that I’ll have an issue. That’s when it would be a dealbreaker.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
My first penetrative sex felt like an audition because she was the one with all the experience. She tried to relax me — I was open about my inexperience — but that didn’t stop me from feeling pressured. I did it with the mindset of someone who had something to prove, someone who needed to put on a world class performance.
I actually lasted, but omo, I was thrusting like my life was on the line. I don’t want to imagine what I looked like with all that concentration and determination. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, so we parted ways soon after.
Nicholas, 27, Ibadan
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
It’s something I think about, however briefly.
Ideal sexual experience?
Having some knowledge is a big plus. If she knows her body well enough that it’s not the blind leading the blind, that’s a good lower threshold. I have my basic practices, but everybody is different, so I expect to learn on the job as well.
Is lack of experience a dealbreaker?
Is this a thinly veiled body count question? I don’t consider lack of experience a dealbreaker. Too much might be, depending on how she acquired the XP (experience).
What’s too much?
After a certain age, being “too experienced” is expected. But if you move like Zidane in ’06, but you’re Messi in ’06, question marks on what necessitated such hypersexuality in your life. Aspects of your history will require a conversation.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
Sex is important, and it’s enjoyable for both parties. Therefore, anything that contributes to it is vital… so I’d say 8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
This one time, I was working from home because my girl and I had fought. I was trying to make amends, but the work day was nearly over, and she still wasn’t happy with me. Then in the middle of a meeting, she became frisky. Having to pause mid-stroke to unmute and give an update was funny.
Sambo*, 31, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
Not really. There are other factors to consider, like shared beliefs, values and interests or money habits.
Lack of sexual experience isn’t a deal breaker?
I don’t really have any. I always consider moderation. Someone who’s experienced might have issues getting along with someone who isn’t because they’ve been exposed to a level of kink they may desire at any time. To avoid stories that touch, let inexperienced people stick with fellow inexperienced people, abeg.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
I met this person for the first time, we hung out, and the connection was there. That same day, we found ourselves at my place. We had sex, and it was so good. I didn’t expect that on a first date, but I’ll take it.
Ola, 25, Oyo
Does sexual experience matter to you?
Yes. Bring your A game, abeg.
Your ideal sexual experience?
Sex with someone who hasn’t been everywhere. Too much experience can be a dealbreaker for me because what do I want to show you again?
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
9.
That one memorable sexual experience?
My partner was so good, it felt like she wanted to take my life. The foreplay and sex were intense because we both knew what to do, perhaps, too much.
Deji, 30, Abuja
Does sexual experience matter to you?
It’s a plus, but not a prerequisite. I don’t think anything is too much or less. If it’s on the low end, there’s the opportunity to teach her what I like. If it’s on the other end of the spectrum, there’s the opportunity for me to learn new things.
Your ideal partner?
One who’s willing to try new things and explore my body to discover what I like. She doesn’t have to be a pro.
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
Omo, I’ll give it an 8. However, sex isn’t everything, and I think compatibility can be worked on.
A memorable sexual experience?
I’ve had my fair share, but one that sticks is when the other person made mouth about their game then fell short. I had to shuffle between faking pleasure or hurting their feelings. I don’t know the film the babe watched, but she was biting me “there” and all over my body. She kept making animal sounds while she was doing it. I took the pain in good faith till we were done.
Sexual experience isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it’s nice to have someone who knows their shit. It’s also something that can be learnt, if you guys are on the same page.
Abisola, 33, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
When I was younger, it used to be at the top of my list. But now, I know you can teach your partner how to please you and vice versa.
Can you describe the ideal sexual experience?
I want to be sated at the end of every rump. And I hope to satisfy my partner too. That’s it for me.
Do you consider lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker in your relationship?
Well, not really. Whether she has too much sex or too little, there’s usually a reason for it. You don’t usually find partners with equal levels of sexual experience. The partner with more experience can teach the other who has less knowledge.
One can tell if their proposed partner has been in the streets for a long time. And frankly, that’s their business. As far as we both agree to be committed to each other, I’m good.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
6.
Juwon, 36, Sagamu
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
I don’t.
Do you consider the lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker?
It doesn’t matter to me like that. In fact, some of my relationships weren’t sexual.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
Let’s say 6.5.
Do you have an unforgettable sexual experience?
This supposed baddie I encountered freaked out after seeing my penis and decided to throw in the towel before the main event began.
To surprise a Nigerian man, you have to be meticulous in your planning. Try these tips if you’re sure you want to organise something that’ll blow your Nigerian boyfriend’s mind.
Plan a getaway
Let your man know it’s you and him for the weekend. No homeboys, no football, just hot couple enjoyment.
Surprise him on a weekend
This agbado era requires hard work around the clock, so chances are both of you would only be available on a weekend anyway. It’s also the one time he’s likely to follow along with your surprise.
Involve his friends
Let his friends know at least a week in advance. Carry them along in your plans, so they can clear their schedules and turn up for their guy’s surprise party.
Plan with his barber to give him a clean cut
Go to his barber and beg him to give your man a mad cut. You need him and his fades fine AF for you.
Tease him that all bills on you
Start teasing from home that you’re covering all the bills. He won’t think about a party but he’ll know he’s about to be spoiled.
Watch him be amazed
Make sure his friends get there earlier, and let him find himself in an ambush that turns into a party. Do this and you’ve done a fantastic job, so why won’t he be amazed?
Or just plan the whole thing in your head
It’s still the agbado era, which means you’re probably broke like the rest of us. Dreaming is free, and it’s the thought that counts.
With everything happening in Nigeria right now, from an inflated economy to a possible war with Niger, it’s possible that President Tinubu might move ahead with his popular “50 million youths recruitment into the army” statement in 2021. So, we’ve made a list of prospective military conscripts into the army.
Gym bros
With some of the weights these guys lift, there must be something they’re been preparing for that the rest of us don’t know about. If the military isn’t sure about where they should go first, iFitness is a good start.
Tall men
“African Giant” but we don’t have giants to scare enemies away. We have the next best thing sha; tall men . They’ll be the eyes of the military, and see above all our enemies.
Jobless men
Please, get the jobless men off the streets. Let idle hands become the army’s workshop.
Alpha males
“Men are protectors and providers” FC, it’s your time to shine. Traditional men too should grab their boots.
Hope the draft meets BBN housemate Pere at home, since he wanted to show soldiers how it’s done.
Short men
Short men are stubborn af. They won’t raise a white flag or accept defeat. They’d rather fight till death.
Nigerian politicians
There’s nothing to be afraid of. Let them defend the country they’ve been stealing profiting from.
Prayer warriors
To be honest, a battalion of prayer warriors can fight the battle alone. After all, the lord is their shield and has also trained their hands for war and their fingers for battle.
Nigerian men troll Nigerian women for fawning over K-Drama men too much. But who complains when women from S.A, Kenya and other countries drool over Nigerian men?
I’m here to tell you K-Drama isn’t the trash you think it is, you just need to see the light, which is exactly what we’ve brought you today.
For romance tips
Can you cleverly and tenderly catch women in your arms when they trip? There’s “romanzzz” to learn Korean shows.
Recommendation: “Boys Over Flowers”
Premium investigation
Women make up the largest part of the K-drama fan base in Nigeria. There must be a reason why. Finding out what these women see in these shows may be the self-improvement you need.
Recommendation: “Law School”
A chance to learn new language
The world evolves every day. Your L1 and L2 are no longer enough in this new wave of globalisation. If you watch and learn well, you might even open a language school and turn it into a business.
Not every time you’ll be doing like Peaky Blinder boys. Is Tommy Shelby’s trauma fun to you? Lee Min Ho and co are less problematic men to emulate.
Recommendation: “King the Land”
You and K-Drama men are more similar than you think
In “Alchemy of Souls”, the king was moving like Nigerian men. First thing he did after shifting souls with the mage was go after the mage’s wife. What kind of bastard konji is that?
Recommendation: “Alchemy of Souls”
Your babe enjoys it
You can’t dislike what your babe likes. It’s an unwritten rule.
Recommendation: “Crash Course In Romance”
Fashion sense
Watch out for the villains especially; they always eat with their fits. Life is more than skinny jeans and baggy Balenciaga shirts.
Recommendation: “Wang Taozhi Woos Madam Lim”
Everyone has a role to play and so do side boyfriends. To be a successful one means you’ve learnt the ropes and finessed it to your own style.
The above is simply a proverb for not getting in a relationship if you can get all the benefits while staying single. Be a side piece and enjoy these benefits today.
No more guilt
The relationship isn’t your business because there really is no relationship. Their feelings aren’t in your hands, so there’s nothing like cheating when you sleep with others. You’re just a harmless helper.
No heavy lifting
Baecations and the burden of love languages belong to her main man. You’ll do the barest minimum on anything outside sex and being a shoulder to cry sometimes.
Improve your skills
Bro, you got that role because of what you bring to the bedroom, and consistency will make you better at your job. They’ll hail you everywhere you go, king of sexual intercourse.
Free from “breakfast”
When they eventually get served breakfast, they come to you to ease the pain because a side penis is a comforter.
Nobody to checkmate you
Your partner can’t be angry if they catch you with another person. Will they even have time to monitor you when they’re busy trying not to get caught themselves?
You’ll learn contentment
Contentment is one of life’s most important values because we need less greed in this country. Playing your role as a side boyfriend, joyfully eating the crumbs you get and not trying to take the main place is an underrated level of contentment.
We lied, you’re still being played
You thought you could have any kind of relationship and get away with it? BFFR. Your main babe may also have a side piece, or you may turn out to be her side piece too.
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of all forms.
A year after Olumide read Jude’s book, their friendship started. On this week’s #ZikokoMyBro, they share how their work brought them together. Now they’ve kept it together for 18 years and even co-wrote a book, despite living on different continents.
Take us to the beginning of this friendship. How long have you been friends?
Jude: I’ve known him since my first novel “Walking With Shadow” came out in 2005. But we connected in 2006.
Olumide: Yeah.
Jude: That makes it about 18 years now.
How did you guys meet?
Jude: Work. Olumide used to work with a human rights organisation that catered to the LGBTQ community. My novel tackled the presence of the LGBTQ community in Nigeria, and how it has been denied over the years.
Olumide: At the time when “Walking With Shadow” was written, anyone who did that would’ve been considered crazy. There was nobody within the writing space that would have written about a queer character and humanised them. So I read the book, and was like, “who is this crazy person that decided to write about a gay character?” It was quite good. Many of us could relate to the story — having to hide and pretend about who you’re.
A year or two later, I found out that Jude worked in the corporate sector. I thought it was interesting he had a day job, too. I was like, “this guy really has guts.”
Then I read his second book “Blackbird” to be sure he wasn’t a one-hit wonder writer. After that, I asked mutual friends to introduce us. From there, if we wanted to do anything creative at TIERs— the NGO I worked at — I reached to Jude to see if he wanted to contribute or be part of it. That’s how we started getting close.
What was your first impression of each other?
Jude: Deep respect. I found the work Olumide’s organisation was doing very important. If I wasn’t already steeped into the corporate world, I’d probably be in an NGO too.
Olumide: Before I met Jude the guy, I met the Jude the writer. At that time, I still looked at him from Blackbird’s point of view. I thought he’d be one of those queer writers who wrote about queer people but also wanted to be distant from the community. Well, I was wrong. He gave support. He gave his voice without turning himself into a frontline activist.
Away from his work as a writer, I found Jude to be very gentle. Any wahala, he doesn’t want. He creates a safe space for everyone; you can do your thing, and he can do his.
Jude: Wow, Olumide, thank you so much. I’m blushing here.
So when was the moment you bonded?
Olumide: I think this was 2014, when he left Nigeria.
What? But you’d been friends for almost a decade
Jude: We talked but hardly saw each other. I was out of Lagos every two weeks. We knew we could trust each other, which was why he was one of the people I discussed my relocation plans with.
But the bond started getting stronger around 2017. Olumide called me and told me about the birthday of one of our close friends in the UK. He wanted to surprise her and asked if I wanted to come. I was like, “sure” and jumped on a plane from Sweden to the UK.
Why did you leave Nigeria though?
Jude: I was just tired about the situation in Nigeria, and the fact that Jonathan was introducing a new law. As a public figure, especially if you don’t conform to societal ideas of what a man should be, it’s more difficult when you’re out queer and out. It was just uncomfortable for me. I went to the US first and lived there for a year before moving to Sweden, where I’m now a citizen.
How did you feel about Jude leaving Nigeria?
Olumide: At that time, we were all on the edge. Goodluck Jonathan was going to sign the SSMPA. I know staying back in a place like Nigeria that can become unsafe.
But going to start all over in another climate is also a very complex decision to make. I had that conversation with Jude about how being in a new terrain coud be difficult. But he knew he’d be okay by himself. He was a very soft guy, there wasn’t much worry.
Did it affect your friendship?
Jude: Our friendship is very difficult to categorise or put into a specific box. I don’t have to see Olumide every day to know he’s my friend.
Sometimes, we just text or call and catch up on what’s going on. To me, that’s real friendship. I’m a very private person, but if I can open up to you and talk about important things, then you know that I trust you. That’s the kind of friendship I have.
I don’t have too many friends, but friendships are special. We’re linked together, regardless of time, space or when we last saw each other and things like that. Olumide and I don’t see and chat all the time, but every time we catch up, we text or call for hours. So, that’s the only way I can describe the bonding.
Olumide: What you just said is very important because my friends know that I’m a very low-touch person. Sometimes, friends require a certain kind of performance. But not Jude and many of the people I’m very close to. I can go days without talking to Jude, but if there’s something important to do or talk about, I’d jump on the phone and have that conversation.
So, we have that understanding that there has to be space in togetherness. We have assurance in our friendship and feel very secure in it, even when we don’t see each other. We’ve even done a book together without having to see each other. It’s coming out on August 29, 2023.
How long have you guys gone without talking to each other?
Jude: My God. I think COVID-19 was the longest. I hardly spoke to people during COVID period. But the book kept us in. We’ve been running this book since 2017 or 2018.
Olumide: I think the book has actually kept us really close.
Jude: Because of that, we’ve been in each other’s lives. So yeah, we’ve been very much in contact the last five, six years.
This book must be a special one
Olumide: That doesn’t mean that we talk everyday. But it’s been one of the key things that makes our conversation very regular now. Before then, we caught up once in a while to talk.
Jude: I agree our best bonding experience was working on this book —we had a lot of ups and downs from figuring out what to put in the book and what to take out. It’s been nice.
Tell me about a time one person came through for the other?
Jude: I remember the amount of work he did to get my book “Walking with Shadows” to the screens in 2019. I thought it was almost impossible, but he came through. He was one of the hardest working producers on the project and raised the most money. He also coordinated people during the shoot of the film when the movie producer wasn’t around.
Also, he buys and recommends my books, and I get my royalties at the end of the day.
Olumide: I mean, I think it depends on how we look at times that people come through, but I remember when we invited him to Aké Festival, and he showed up. He was in Nigeria for almost a week.
Is there anything you would change about your friendship?
Olumide: It’d be great if we see more in person and talk over things that have happened in our private lives. For example, when I had my son, I wished I could talk to you about what that was like and all.
Jude: I think I was one of the first people you even told you have a kid.
Olumide: If we lived in the same city, you’d have been in the house the next day.
What’s one thing you’ve always wanted the other person to know?
Jude: I think I’ve told Olumide this already; leave Nigeria and move to London. Anyway, I love when he posts photos of his home and his outfits. That’s what I miss about Nigeria. I think we are much more adventurous with male fashion. Olumide has a good taste in clothing. So yeah, I’ve never told you that before.
Olumide: I like the way Jude disappears. I feel like he’s in control of how he engages the world. Jude isn’t on Twitter or IG all the time. He’s living and breathing. Jude is doing things. I really like that because I feel like it gives a lot of people some time to reflect and introspect. So you have enough time for yourself and I really appreciate that. One of the things I appreciate about him is his calmness and self-awareness. He carefully picks his words. He’s very grounded in himself. I appreciate somebody who is soft, but still bold.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
If you don’t send a monthly allawee to your babe, you need to fix up now. We want you to see the light, so we compiled a list of reasons you should pay your lover a monthly salary (if you don’t have money, it’s best to face your front sha).
Because why not?
You’re the lover, the partner, the banana, and the sugar.
Money speaks
Are you spending your millions right if it’s not going to your lover? You’re the bureau de change. Your money is for spending. After all, when there’s money, love is sweeter.
You’re in love
Please, if you love someone and it’s within your means, why not? Drop allawee for every breath your partner takes. In fact, the number of zeros behind what you send her signifies the lengths you’ll go for love.
Love renewal
Every good thing must surely come to an end, but that’s also where the concept of subscription comes in. Better to spend money on premium love than breakfast.
It’s a love language
Everybody knows giving someone money they didn’t have to work for in Nigeria is a love language. Your gift-giving isn’t giving unless cash is inside.
She calls you daddy
That lady calls you daddy, you must do your duties and contribute something to her treasury. Or else…
Unfriendly economy
Nothing is too small to support your babe, please. Inside this economy where petrol is ₦650 per litre and grocery (a.k.a garri) is now almost on top of the food chain?
Make it harder for her next man
Only God knows tomorrow, but if you happen to part ways later, you’d be the standard for her next man in spoiling and pleasing her.
Even if all the reasons we’ve given you aren’t convincing, you can’t deny your Nigerian DNA, we’re known for going all out to spoil women. Don’t be an exception.
But if there are no means…
You can’t kill yourself. If e dey, e dey; if didn’t dey, it didn’t dey. Everywhere is hard, sef.
Growing up as a boy in Nigeria, there are some experiences you can’t escape simply because of acting your age, trends or peer pressure. Which of these things do you remember?
Super Strikas
This football comic book series was the go-to whenever boredom hits. Who is Messi when Shegs Okoro was the best baller ever? 30+ men know.
Wikipedia
Football scars
Do you remember limping because of football injuries but hiding it from mummy? When she eventually sees it, the injury is much worse than it should be, and you’d still chop cane. Especially if you’re holding or pushing her hand away while treating your wounds.
You (obviously lying): It’s not paining me again.
Mummy:
Barbing skin
As a youngster, Nigerian parents will always block your swag. You’re not an obedient or serious boy in Nigerian parents’ eyes if they can’t see the middle of your head. If only you could cash-out every time they said “fine boy” after being forced to barb gorimaps, you’d have been a millionaire since your teens.
Your sibling’s oversized clothes
From the coat your older sibling wore to a wedding no one remembers and passed down to you for your primary school graduation, to their secondary school uniform, every Nigerian child knows mummy won’t buy any new clothes when it’s not Christmas.
First crush
There’s always that one girl whose mum has a shop on your street or the one in your class that you liked so much, all your friends say you never shut up about her.
Trying to grow a beard with spirit
Once senior secondary school started, all that was on our mind was how to grow the three hair strands on our chin into a shiny black goatee we can pull while commanding juniors anyhow. We wasted all the cotton wool in the house before we realised methylated spirit is a disinfectant, not a fertiliser.
Bootcut
Before everyone argued with their moms and tailors about the trousers with thin bottoms, what was in vogue were those trousers that can easily swallow two Health 5 balls right at its bottom.
Pencil/skinny jeans
Before baggies started becoming trendy again, pencil was the star boy that took its shine. If you’re not careful, your tailor will overdo it and you’ll have to wear nylon like socks before your trousers can fit.
Sagging
Long before Naira Marley and the “100 trousers, zero belt” slogan, it was believed sagging originated from prison culture. Can you remember all the times you were beaten for letting your boxers breathe?
Running to game centers
Bro, we can’t really rate your street credibility if you never played Konami at onile’s shop (owner’s shop) while growing up as a young boy. If you’re onile’s fave, he might even let you play a free game. In fact, it probably got to a point where your mum asked the onile to always send you away whenever he sees you.
Not every time pulling out a ring in the middle of a market square or proposing in NYSC camp. Spice things up with these Zikoko-approved marriage proposal ideas.
Make a Nollywood epic
Act like you’re unconscious or dead, and let your babe cry for 60 seconds before you resurrect like Undertaker and propose. Rough play, but everyone will understand once they see the ring.
Invite your partner over for lunch, treat them to yellow eba with their favourite soup and assorted meat. Then watch their face burst with joy as they dig fingers in and find the ring.
Just tell them
This involves the most minimal conversation. Ask your partner if they know what “fiancée” is, then tell them with the straightest face that it’s their new position.
Someone told me this is how Nigerian men propose and I’ve been creasing ever since! 😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/r8hAIa9Gxg
Take your babe for a drive. When you get to a major highway, just pack in the middle to cause traffic. Get out of the car, and when your partner gets down to see what’s happening, take out the ring. Watch people switch from insulting your life to saying congratulations.
Organise a football match
Gather your guys for a friendly match on your local field, and beg them to allow you to score a goal. After scoring, run to celebrate with your babe. Then pull the ring out like this guy:
This is the best marriage proposal you'll ever see. I hope Nigerian girls see this to know y'all don't necessarily have to be dramatic.😒 pic.twitter.com/bbNZUgMuX9
