I’ve always been terrified of dating apps. I’ve seen way too many horror movies, which means that the idea of not really knowing who’s on the other side of that too-good-to-be-true profile scares the hell out of me. So in an attempt to help fight (what has been described as) my irrational fear, I downloaded the dating app called Tinder, just to test the waters.
I deleted the app an hour later. The whole thing was just too much.
Anyway, here’s some stuff I learned during my brief time in the super weird world of online dating. Basically, a list of red flags I noticed.
1) Run from the people that say that they’re into “matured minds” or refer to themselves as “Sapiosexual.”
Because more often than not, they’re as dumb as a bag of wet hair. They only put it there because they somehow found out what it means and want to signal intelligence but do the exact opposite by writing shit like, “Am a sapiosexual.“
2) Run from people who say anything along the lines of, “Go straight to the point and don’t waste my time.”
Because unlike you, who is probably there looking for a potential soul mate, this person is there to hook up. Now, this isn’t a bad thing, it’s just good to know so you don’t waste your own time.
3) Run from people that are offering “massages with happy endings.“
Erotic massages are glorious (SO I’VE HEARD), but know that the people on dating apps offering this aren’t doing it for free. If you decide to meet with one of them, you WILL be parting with money before you get your “happy ending.”
4) Run from profiles containing pictures of white people whose their locations tell a different story.
Like the one that has a picture of a white woman posing in front of a Walmart but her location says “University of Ado Ekiti.” Everything about this scenario I just described signals that there is treachery afoot.
Stay woke.
5) Run from people who have a group photo as their only photo.
Because you’ll never know which one of them in the picture is the person you’re talking to, and you’ll never know until you meet them in person. Is that a risk you’re willing to take?
6) Run from people who keep insisting you come visit them.
Did someone say potential serial killer??
Run, girl.
Run.
