Sex Life: How Being Blackmailed Affected My Sex Life

February 8, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s sex life is a 30-year-old bisexual woman who almost gave up on sex after being blackmailed with a sex tape.

Being blackmailed

When did you have have sex for the first time?

When I was in law school. I think I was 21. I wasn’t really planning to have sex, but then I didn’t plan to do all the things that I did that year.

Things like what? 

Wild out. Focus on parties more than I did my academics. I had never spent an extended period of time outside of the North, and I wanted to do everything I couldn’t do when I lived with my parents. There was drinking, partying, and then sex. 

So how did the sex happen?

I went to a party with a couple of girls. We met up with some guys, one of whom was staring at me the whole night. He didn’t talk to me until we were about to leave. After one or two sentences, he asked me to come and spend the night at his place. I turned him down. How was I doing that with someone I’d just met? He didn’t even try to flirt. He just went straight to the point — If you want to sleep with me, at least toast me small. Take me on a date, buy me a drink. 

The next day, I got a friend request from him on Facebook and that was how we started talking. 

Eventually, I went one day after lectures. I didn’t tell him I’d never had sex before, but he was very gentle and kind. I watched a lot of porn growing up, so I expected it to be rough and painful.

So, you enjoyed it?

It was nice. 

Just nice?

Haha. I didn’t have anything to compare it to at the time and now that I do, I can’t exactly remember the experience. I guess that it was just there.

What happened next?

He told me he was in love with me and that totally freaked me out. We literally just met and he was at least ten years older. I told him to get it together. Abeg. 

LOL. What if he was lying just to get some more?

I didn’t see the need for him to do that; I was already willing to sleep with him again. When I told my friends about it, they agreed that I better stay away. I did.

Anyway, from that moment on, it was wild. 

Do you have any particular memories?

A ton. On campus, I made out with this hijabi babe that was in the room opposite mine. We were studying and then we just started making out. When I was younger, I thought my attraction to women was something every woman had. Like my mum — peace be unto her soul —  used to check out other women, and she spent an insane amount of time with this particular woman who I now think may have been her lover. Even when my dad was alive. 

It wasn’t until I got into secondary school, which was quite strict and conservative, that I realised how forbidden same-sex attractions were. 

So me and this babe used to sneak around and make out. We had sex a couple of times. One time, she sat beside me in class and fingered me. 

WOW.

Yes! It ended eventually. We fought about something really silly.  I can’t even remember what it was.

At the time, were you guys exclusive? Or were you seeing other people? 

Yeah. I saw a couple of guys on the side and had sex with them too. 

How did sex with her compare to having sex with guys?

It was a lot better. She was a lot more experienced and on the first try, it seemed like she knew my body. I surrendered to her completely, but she also taught me how to please other women. 

With men, sex is usually selfish. They want to do the thing fast and come. And even when they’re interested in your body, they don’t really know how to navigate it and won’t listen to corrections. 

SMH. 

Yup. For a while, I was tired of having sex with men, but it was also just part of the fun, so I didn’t stop. 

Did this in anyway affect your academics? 

I got a second class — and this was like years ago when they were still very selfish with their first class. So I can say that it didn’t. To be fair though, at some point, I slowed down and didn’t party as much, until after exams.

Immediately after exams, I continued. I even tried drugs. 

You didn’t go back home?

Not right away because I had an internship already. So I was partying literally every weekend after my exams. And it was during one of those parties everything changed. 

What happened?

A threesome with the wrong person, I guess. It was me, my friend and a guy. I assumed she knew the guy or that he was someone from campus. Turned out she didn’t. I can’t remember the details. But we were in a bar, and she was hanging out with this guy. After a while, she came to me and asked if I wanted to do something with her friend. I was like, sure, why not. I never said no to ‘doing something’. We went to his hotel down the road and ‘did something’. 

Even though it was my first time having a threesome, it wasn’t a big deal to me. I was high as fuck and didn’t know what I was doing. One thing though: every time I did some risky shit, I made sure the person used a condom or that I took the morning after pill.

Being blackmailed

By Monday morning, I had forgotten everything. I went to work and started my day. Sometime around noon, I started getting messages from my friend that someone had our sex tape and was going to release it on Facebook. 

I laughed because, what sex tape? She called me and explained that someone — most likely the guy we had sex with — had taped us having sex and that he was going to release it. I laughed again because, how did he tape us? It didn’t make sense. I told her to calm down, that maybe he was playing a prank on her. And she was like possibly, but that she doesn’t actually know him like that. That was when I knew we were in trouble, that we were being blackmailed. 

What the hell?

I didn’t even know where to start — I was confused, agitated and tired. I couldn’t do any work that day. He got my email address from my friend and emailed me a “snippet” as evidence and said there was more. It was hard to watch, I deleted it immediately and then deleted it from the recycle bin. I tried tracking down the name in the email on Facebook, but I didn’t find anything. He kept calling with different numbers and harassing me. 

I begged because it wasn’t just about my family — my career was at stake.

Wow

I think it was especially scary because online, feminism wasn’t as popular. There was a lot of slut shaming, a lot of name calling from men and women. So I was really scared. How was I being blackmailed at my small age?

Did he want something?

Yeah. After a week of torturing us, he told us he wanted money. It was a lot of money to me back then. 150,000 naira. My friend and I were poor. My friend didn’t even have a job. Where would we get that kind of money from?

Being blackmailed

Couldn’t you have done something legally?

I’ve never felt like the law could protect me. Not as a woman. Now imagine being a middle, almost lower class girl who just has big dreams of being a lawyer. Nope. The law was/is not on my side. I’m a lawyer now, so I know what I’m saying. I see all these cases of women getting sexually assaulted and nothing is done. Now that we have feminism, there are little victories here and there, but seriously? In the grand scheme of things, we’re at the bottom of the pyramid. Now imagine going to the police and saying, “I’m being blackmailed.”

This is true. What did you do next?

We borrowed money here and there and we sent it to an account. He said it wasn’t his own and that we couldn’t use that name to track him. It wasn’t even like we tried, we were too ashamed that we were being blackmailed with a sex tape to ask for help. Silly behaviour. Would not recommend. 

Typical blackmailer, he asked for more. I think about 50k. But even before this, sometimes he’d ask me or my friend to send him credit. Then he kept manipulating us, telling one of us that the other had sent him money and all.

Eventually my friend told her younger brother that we were being blackmailed and asked him to talk to the guy. That one told him that we didn’t have any more money to give and that if he liked, he could upload the video. I almost slapped him when he said that. Kai. He also said we knew who he was and that the police were coming to get him. That’s how it ended. He never emailed or called again. 

Wow. 

Yup. It was just scary. 

How did being blackmailed affect your sex life? 

First of all, I went back home and I was like, you this city, never again. Then I deleted all my  social media accounts for a bit. And finally, I just stopped having sex all together. 

Really? 

Yup. Well I’m married now, but before I could even sleep with my husband, it took a while. He’s very patient though. He knows my past and he understands my vulnerabilities.

What’s sex like these days?

Pretty cool. I mean, I don’t experiment or do anything outside the normal anymore. But, it’s good and I enjoy it. Another thing is, anytime we travel, I don’t have sex in hotels because scary stuff. In the beginning, I found it hard to sleep in hotels. But now, at least I can. I’m still really really private. But yeah, we take it each day at a time. Sometimes, I’m just like what was I thinking?

So how would you rate your sex life? 

Before I answer that, I’d just like to tell young women reading this that if you are going through anything, find someone, preferably a woman that you can completely trust and open up to her. 

To answer your question, I have to mention that I’m actually considering therapy but sometimes, I ask myself, is it that serious? It’s been years. I feel that if I do therapy, I’d loosen up a bit. For now though, my sex life is 5. I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t be having any sex if I wasn’t married to the love of my life. 

Check back every Saturday by 12pm for new stories in the Sex Life series. If you would like to get this story in your mail before everyone else — complete with inside gist that doesn’t make the final cut, sign up here. Catch up on older stories here.

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